Interesting commentary on personal reflections. I always love to hear about what other people see when they look in the mirror, and this was a quite original take. I was particularly amazed the first time when the voice decides that the reflection is prettier than herself. The mirror image in fact becomes the more perfect version of the self, because it is untouched. That seems so strange to me - everyone always talks about how troubles will age a person, but this individual at least doesn't show it in her outward appearance. Maybe she's good at hiding. Clever perspective. I wonder if this is a personal narrative.
The rhyme and meter are rather indeterminant and sometimes awkward - too much work put into rhyming. The content is excellent on its own.
A touchingly sweet laundry list of Mr. Right. It's simple and honest and unpretentious, and best of all, I think anyone could identify with this depiction of true love. There's a great deal of patience and understanding in the voice of the work, which is appropriate, since this is the forever kind of romance.
Errors:
par.7 - "shivers through out my body" - throughout
par.11 - "Love chooses its soul mate by finding that who fits him perfectly" - consider revising (I'm not sure if you want the "that," more like "the one" or something)
A bit wordy perhaps at times, but the sentiments are lovely.
Very clever theme for poetry. I suppose sunsets are nothing new, but you have given them an intriguing purpose in your piece. Typically sunnsets signify the ending of something (naturally, they do end the day), but here it is "only the beginning." Well played on two accounts. First of all, it's a brilliant (albeit simple) point to make that one end is inevitably another beginning. And second, from this point emerges hope in the darkness - I could go on analyzing this idea about night and day and light and dark and whatnot. That's what I like about this poem, it really makes me stop and ponder.
Good general flow. I appreciate the lack of punctuation, which lends a more natural, easy feel.
At first the repetition of the one stanza seemed a little overdone, but on second reading I decided it's probably a strong decision to reinforce, like a serenity prayer or other sort of aphorism.
There are a lot of sad or bitter love poems out in the world, but the great thing about this one in my opinion is the construction rather than the content. You have a wonderfully original sense of rhythm and rhyme, and you don't force yourself to hard and fast rules, which really seems to benefit your work - it's not artificial, unlike so much metered love poetry.
I rebel a little from the tendency toward vague meter, but only because I'm a boring academic. I admire your style. Yeats used a lot of inconsistent meter in his work, and he's one of my favorites. You inspire me to see things less formally. Thanks.
Coolness is a tough one. It's one of those subjective, equivocal classifications like normal, complete, sane, which everyone believes to be so crucial to happy living. I'm not sure of the going exchange on coolness. But, I am fairly convinced there is no end to your brilliance, and I'll take genius over cool any day. I have been delighted to take a few whiles to enjoy your portfolio, especially to find all of these remarkably told true stories. One of the most hopeful things anyone can offer the world is a funny story. Here we have a wonderfully comprehensive depiction of the path to anticool - there's little I appreciate more then self-deprecation (within reason, and for the forces of good, like witticism). No detail is superfluous or lost. And the voice is very honest.
But I will take issue with one major point. The Sweet Valley High Series were the best books ever, or at least my my third favorite after Brothers K and Steppenwolf.
For what it's worth, I think you are super rad.
But then, I watch Jeopardy and Dr. Quinn and sleep with a really big Stitch.
I wouldn't call myself a vengeful person, but if that wasn't the best thing ever. It's a very timely story for me, since I just returned from a trip abroad, and thoroughly empathize with your prayer for deliverance as I made a few pleas to the Almighty myself in the past few weeks. Well played. The American mucous is an extra special nice touch. I love how we do things in this country [and on export as well]. And yeah for Bert. Sesame Street references are universally good times.
Fantastic exposition. This is the way a story should be told; perfect development of plot and characters, lots of vivid description, and wonderful surprises for the entire family. Excellent pace and use of detail.
So, relativity you say? Makes me wonder if the Danes who I'd thought to be leering at me really just wanted to discuss some Kierkeggard.
Absolutely brilliant - I refer not merely to your verbal grace, but your excellent, perfectly rational philosophy of living. I completely agree, dark is better. Since I was a young girl, I've lived with the constant aggravation of lightophiles interrupting my serentity with fluorescense and halogen. I count myself as tolerant, but I can't bear to be alone and quiet in the low light with a book only to have someone switch on a light "because you'll go blind like that." For the love. Enough of my tirade. It's just nice to find another intellegent person who knows the good of it.
But more to the point. It's a delectable style you've got going here. And such an inspired concept for a piece. I am beyond impressed that you vacuum in the dark (though, of course, it's quite logical). I'm even more impressed that you're house is clean. My parents, who have lights galore, have the most cluttered home in creation. Huh, interesting.
Best line: "So, we move through the halls and rooms, he and I, turning lights off and on and off again in turn: dancing the waltz of the battling fireflies." It made my heart happy.
Very nicely done. I don't read a lot of the poetry on this site, because my taste is quite different from most of the fare I find here - I tend to be a traditionalist, and I'm not big on free verse. But this was refreshing. Nothing is forced or sing-songy, or abstract to the point of senselessness. It just goes, rather matter-of-fact, which is unusual for a poem. I like the stream of consciousness effect from the lack of punctuation or arbitrary pauses at the end of lines. It's natural, like you just let it happen.
Probably I liked this mostly for the subject. I believe in it. I'm probably not making sense, so forgive me. I can't really explain it, but just know that this meant something to me. I hope you'll write more in this style of poetry - it reads like your prose, vivid and real. Thanks.
This is excellent! So strong and powerful. It's so great to read something full of personal pride and assurance. The analogy of the tree is thoughtful. I love the ending: "My roots go deep,
Here I stand Tall and Proud. Here is where I shall grow." It's such a positive message of heritage and culture, I wish more people could find this sort of strength. Thank you for putting this out there for people to see. It's a good lesson for everyone.
Excellent work. It's rather morbidly engaging, just like Poe, with a heavy dragging from line to line. Your rhythm and rhyme is smartly done, and the language is very good for setting the dark mood. I especially liked stanzas 3 and 6, particularly Poe-ish in my mind.
The piece has a swirling, running feeling, if that makes any sense at all. That's how Poe always strikes me, afraid to take a breath in case it's his last and he otherwise couldn't finish. This is a fun technique, great for recitation.
Terpsichore
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