This story is riveting! I assume it is true. But even if its not, it is very convincing. I think you did everything right. you have a great introduction that captures attention. You keep paragraphs small so I didnt get lost in the thoughts conveyed in each one.
I think this is my favorite paragraph "Pursing her lips tightly, Marge rolled her eyes as if to laugh at my efforts. "I've tried. I've listened. Nobody knows the agony, the horrible aching in my chest." When I started to speak, Marge held up a hand to silence me. "No, don't say another word. I..." The clamor of the telephone caused her to pause and glance toward the door to the kitchen where the phone hung."
Obviously the situation is a terrible one. What I liked was the clarity here, i felt as if I was sitting in the room next to the characters. I could feel the humanity, the emotion. And then, at the worst moment, the phone rings. This is what makes the story real. Real life can have the worst timing like that.
I really identified with both charters. I have had my own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. I have had friends who helped me through those situations. And I felt you did a great job at capturing all the feels of both the suicidal friend, and the main character who had already overcome that struggle.
I also enjoyed the twist at the end, the moment that made the friend snap out of her run away suicide train. I did not see that coming, that is why I liked it. God truly works in ways like that at times. and he can use our experiences to help others.
One suggestion I would make is in the fourth paragraph i think, beginning "Wait, Marge". The sentence is "I knew first-hand how devastating the death of someone loved could be." It says "the death of someone loved could" I feel this causes the reader to stutter because saying someone loved could is a mouth full. I think it would flow better as "the death of a loved one could be".
The only other one is in the line that begins, "Maybe you're stonger." The third sentence begins "If you had you..." I feel like this needs a comma after "if you had,". Otherwise reading it for the first time is a bit confusing. I am no expert in comma use and it can be somewhat subjective anyway, but thats what I think.
Thank you for sharing this story. I would love it if you reviewed my story. #2074944
I appreciate your poem. I love poems about nature and especially about trees. the poem may lack a specific meter but it defiantly has a repetitiveness to it which is vital to good poetry, even free form. So good job there. my suggestions are to add a comma at the end of each line. and consider taking out the word "and" at the beginning of line 9 (the line that begins "and without a will..."). I just feel it would flow better. But I suppose that kind of thing is subjective. those are my thoughts. Keep up the good work!
This is a really good short story. Using an animals perspective on the crucifixion is something i have never seen before. I enjoyed how the donkey was the same one jesus rode into Jerusalem on. This story is definitely riveting, primarily due to its unique perspective looking through the donkeys eyes. I also appreciated how the story brought in other animals and main characters from the biblical narrative. The only thing that could be improved that I saw was in paragraph 9 i think it says "while walking with man". I think this should be "men". Thanks for the story. I would be grateful if you reviewed my story Back to Basics #2074944
I am intrigued by your short story. You make some very good points that more Jesus followers need to hear. There are very deep thoughts presented here. I think the experience listed at the bottom in blue makes a much better ending. It could be integrated into the final paragraph. Also, perhaps the quote from www.theworddaily.com could be cited properly. Aside from that I thought this was a great devotional thought or newsletter article. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Please review my short story of a religious experience called Going Solo With God #2074943
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dagarner_tn
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 12:00am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "