I like your work, you know how to tell a story. My suggestions are to re-edit. There are just enough typos to be a distraction.
Also, you use this line:
‘’Who are you? It is rarely I see warriors from the mainland in China.’’
China is the mainland, Japan is the island. Unless you are illustrating the pride of the Japanese in saying everything else is secondary. Then I would tighten that scene up a bit.
I like your story, it drew me in and I want to know more about what happens. I think you have great concepts here but became confused with the different worlds. Were Alex and Zach normal sized humans or where they larger than the cubes and planets? I am sure as you develop the story you will flesh out (pardon the pun with the Deity of Death description) the details better and give the reader more information. If this is your lead I'd suggest a bit better description of the two friends to develop a tighter connection with the reader.
Thank you, that was a brief but very interesting piece on two subjects I'd like to know more about. Have you considered breaking it up into paragraphs for easier reading or do you prefer the block?
Once upon a time there was a bored cubicle dweller. Everyday, he stole time, pursuing his passion. One day, fortune smiled, the Great Creator was pleased. Because of that, he traded in his ergonomically correct, rolling chair for an Adirondack on the beach. Until finally, the world heard his voice.
I hesitate to criticize such a personal, heroic, journey. If you wrote this to be therapeutic then it is great the way it is now. If you are working on perfecting the writing to make it more powerful I suggest using an active voice. Example the oncology department "had met" and "had decided". There is such power in your battle the writing can bring it out even more.
I like this story of two people trying to find some common ground. Conveying an authentic voice is difficult especially when contrasting a country vs. city approach. Having many inspirations from rural America I struggle to give them a voice without making them sound backwards. I think you are doing great but may want to ease up just a bit. Unless of course that is verbatim from memory in which case the voice is authentic from the start. Keep up the good writing!
I like your imagery. Makes me wish I was sitting there and enjoying a drink with you. I do think you could tighten up some of your sentence structure. I think you use a lot of adjectives and you might want to cut down on a few or them. I think you will find it more powerful with a few well chosen words.
Like the premise and the direction of this short story. Felt you were doing a good job with it but the "Fear reigned supreme" cliche threw me off just a bit.
This is a solid Haiku.I like it. I feel that there is just a single word that if replaced would make it perfect. Not sure if the word to replace is shimmers, thoughts, or wander. And, it could just be personal preference but this verges on magical.
I like your writing and find your story fascinating. The story of the first cigarette and the fugitive is worth a short story by itself. The progression, the unusual drug of choice are attention grabbers. I found the large, blocks or paragraphs daunting. I realize the information remains the same and it is just aesthetics but it is important to break up the size and length.
Your writing is well thought out and powerful, just as you say writing as a means of communication can be. This is much more persuasive than the hated-filled rhetoric from both sides.
This is not my genre of choice but I found myself interested in your main character and wondering more about her. I like the premise as well. I think you would benefit from some editing and tightening of some sentences. (Examples: streets was rather than streets were in the first sentence). You do have something here.
This has so much potential. Love the imagery. I wonder if you are better served using an active voice? Some of the passive voice sentences do not flow as beautifully as your imagery.
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