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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/crazypowerpuff
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3 Public Reviews Given
14 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Kate Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there! I think that this poem has a really good start. There are a few tips you could consider:

Organization:
Sometimes people write poems this way and that's fine. But i think that in this specific case a more tradational poem format might be better. I think the the paragraphs are taking away a lot from the emphasis of the powerful words that you are using.

Quick hits: "no he moment" That doesn' tmake sense to me.

"I have a will that is as strong as steel, even the flames that mutilated my flesh could not fracture"
What you are saying here is amazing and powerful. But it's another thing that organization could help. Check this out:

"My will, as strong as steel,
could not be fractured
by the flames that mutilated flesh."

You dont' have to use it or anything, but it seems so much more intense to me. Play with it a little!

Also, You write "shatter" alot. If repetition is what you are going for, then this piece might need to just be reread for tightness.

I really like what you have here. If you rewrite it, I'd love to see it again!
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Review of Grey Sins.  Open in new Window.
Review by Kate Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I really like what you are doing here. The repetition works for the most part, but It might be a little too repetitive and not substansial enough. Also, i really like the images you are using and the sensory detail. One thing to try is adding more than one kind of sense. What was the smell and what did you hear?
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