Hello Keaton
I enjoyed the contrasts painted by this work. Your use of verbs like beating, rising, pumping, living, drives etc keep the poem moving, however I miss the what could anchor it in inertia in your verbs besides the statement: my heartfelt inertia.
Thank you for sharing!
Hello
I could really relate to the comparison and the contrast that you made with the girl who at a different time would have worn a purple gown and be associated with royalty.
Maybe you could work to engage the reader in the beginning by describing the setting more and the beautiful gowns or jewels etc of the persons around her. Let us know what she thought of those persons so that we get more of a feeling of how they were affecting her.
I really wanted to plunge right into the story but it felt a little rushed. Your use of different sentence lengths made it interesting to read. Your use of commas did as well, however grammatically they did not always help with the flow of the story e.g. like she was a freak, Her messy tangled hair a......
I hope this was helpful. Best of luck and thanks for sharing!!!!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cperders
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 3:51am on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
