Wow...it was like I was in a trance as I read this. I really like the repetition, it gives the writing such an intense emotion. I love the desperation in this piece...and I'm not just trying to butter you up, I really did like this. =) It would be really cool if you would format it like a free verse poem instead of in paragraphs. I don't really know "rules" or anything like that, I just think it would be cool.
I enjoyed reading this. It seems like a nice, easy going story so far.Maybe you'll keep it that way, or throw in a killer plot twist...either way I like it. There are some grammar mistakes...things like changing the tense of your verbs, and some awkward sentences. You have really good description, but keep in mind that it isn't necessary to describe every single thing. Description is important, but sometimes too much of it can be a little wordy and boring. Over all it's pretty good! Keep writing =)
I really like the feel to this poem. It's haunting and eerie, but almost peaceful at the same time. I like the form that you wrote it in too...especially the end. The way the end slowly trails off leaves the reader with lots to think about. I love the imagination in this. Very nice writing!!
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