I think the general blueprint or direction of the poem is basically excellent.
As I reviewed more carefully, I find that I don't totally understand the opening line, and so I stumble on that. Also the information between the -- -- is a little much that I started to disengage with the rest. imagery or the metaphors. In other words, there's a lot of ideas here, but the intention of the messaging was lost on me, mostly owing to my stumbling over the beginning.
When I got to the violet mark, though, a lot of things started to click. And the pacing of the poem is cool to follow. It really picks up steam to reach a horrifying end.
I think this poem invites multiple reads (I've been with this review for nearly a half hour just reflecting), and that in and of itself is always a mark of success for the artist.
The strength of this writing is the humor. Tool whisperer is great. Delegate Improvements Yourself, I love it. It's a scenario of exasperation, self-deprecation, a little bit of teasing...I think there's a lot of opportunity here, too.
Create a specific situation for your husband and you to navigate. That will give this a narrative, direction, and action.
I notice you do a lot of telling, and not showing. Your writing reads more like a thorough explanation rather than, say, prose, or literature. That's fine, but to accomplish this as a short story you need plot/narrative, more character exploration.
There's potential here. These ideas could springboard into a brand new project, perhaps.
The imagery here is potent; the beggar’s hand simile in particular is fascinating and different. I’m still absorbing it. The writing resounds almost like a prayer, emotionally. The narrator’s attachment and reverence for rain is touching, spiritual.
I noticed you address the rain in the second person (i.e., you), although in line 7 you refer to it as the rain. So is you the rain? Or are you referring to God or a universal force, manifested through rain? Perhaps you could clarify.
The conclusion felt a little off too as you introduce literal man-made things. It feels like a slight jarring juxtaposition to the writing prior. Maybe that’s just me.
This is pretty interesting. Firstly, this desire to be free is manifest in the poem: its details indicate that the narrator has put significant thought into this. In that regard the poem is emotionally potent.
I wonder if this may be categorized slightly more as prose? I'm just not sure. Reading it that way might deliver an even bigger impact. Could a slight narrative be adapted to some of this imagery? Just an idea...
This almost sounds like a team chant! That’s a pretty cool effect. I’m imagining the team at pre-season training learning this philosophy. I think it’s a simple and very effective poem. Your rhythm is exciting and seems to jostle like a football huddle. Nice piece.
Oh I think you set up a tight plot here. The reader is hooked and you set up the psyche of the narrator very well. The seductive partner is introduced and then the haunted twist of abuse. Compelling and emotionally arched. I like! Two details: "but chaos within, but I loved him." Could you turn "but" into an "and?" Or just get rid of but. The double but is distracting to me, unless it's meant to construct a word play impact maybe? The last six words are good, but I think it ends stronger with "And then he kicked my dog..." that sort of sets up the fight (or something worse) without such explicit messaging. Perhaps you could use those six words more powerfully if you want to add a really punchy ending, pardon the pun, but that's the direction the story seems to go. I enjoyed this!
It's like getting to look at your journal, an interesting experience. Did you write this for an audience or more for yourself? Just curious about the process that created this entry. I would give a higher rating, but the writing seems like a decontextualized segment of thought, so it's hard for me to recognize the writing as 5 star excellence. Thanks for sharing!
This piece highlights a lot of passion and enthusiasm. You feel strongly about the subject, and that shines through. I admit I had a hard time following some of the ideas - you simplify the Bible but it still feels complex. Maybe you could break down your ideas more. It might be ok to get a little "boring," it it means setting up your terms and maybe establishing a concrete goal of the sermon. This feels like a great exploration that might ring well with an audience, so I'm not sure what I can say. As a reading experience I was left a little lost. I can imagine this being delivered with brio, though. Let your soul keep shining!
I totally respect anyone to venture into the territory of epic. Admittedly, I anticipated a much longer piece, but your effect achieves the same goal in half the time. I could imagine an elder almost urgently telling this tale over a fire tale to unwitting youth. That's to say, it hooked me in to follow the story. Well done.
I think your meter might be just about flawless! It reads pretty quickly. I also think that the title is awesome, "Honey, Honey." It resounds and certainly grabs my attention. Perhaps you might spice up the poem with a little more imagery, and sensory experience. Your words espouse promise, and commitment, and good sentiment, and I think it can be elevated even further. Good craft, tightly constructed, and you know what you're doing.
Tim, you successfully execute several metaphors which add vibrancy, sensuality, and physicality to this love. I love the rhyme scheme and the whole thing is devised quite compact. The poem delivers a message of passionate love, and it certainly wrapped me up in the dynamics! I initially struggled with the line, "Not simply a loss," and I'm still not sure what to make of it. Is the narrator popping his cherry? In a way I like the ambiguity, but it also leaves me just slightly confused. I loved the use of the word haunches. My first encounter with the word! Keep it up!
Carly, you do a great job capturing the subtlety of jealousy, "shying away from the waves of hate." I love the personification of emotion too, it brings a physicality to the abstract. I think there is a lot to work with in this poem. You could possibly construct a narrative around this monster. However, that might sacrifice the intimate contact you grant us with the emotional core at the heart of this poem. Nice work!
Hi there Juno! Is this the opening scene of the novel or does this scene take place a little deeper into the story? A couple pointers:
- run-on sentences: most of your paragraphs are actually just one, maybe two, pretty long sentences. It's hard to follow the action because the wordage is a little overwhelming. Break these sentences up a little bit. Try to evoke some more pacing in how you present the scene.
- lather up in your description more, and less about the characters doing this or doing that. You could instill more tension and emotion in this scene by profiling the feelings a little bit more.
It's hard to say too much more as I don't know the full context of the writing.
I can tell that you care about your idea and work. The writing indicates a thoughtful approach to this literary world.
"this icy cold valley of winter time" --> I love it. You seem to dive deeper into rich description in this tale. I enjoyed it. I had a less easy time following the story compared to your previous works, though another pleasant read.
Jacques strikes again! I notice you're more precise in your language choices this time around especially. I like that. These are fun, memorable, and didactic!
This is pretty potent! The rhyming scheme on the second and third line is curious. It rushes the fourth line, and if that's what you intended, all the power to you. The first and fourth line rhyme may become lost in that process. And that's fine! It's just my one particular reading. I find hope in this poem despite how despairing it can be. It clearly came from a place of lucid expression. The honesty and vulnerability your narrator display are commendable. Good on you.
This poem casts a peaceful, calm tone. I found the repetition of "stars on a winter's night" repetitive the second time it was mentioned, but then you return to this at the conclusion. It basically works. Could you think of figurative language to capture these stars? A little more imagery could really hone that idea as it is the center of the poem! Overall very good.
Hi Jacques! I've read you before. You are a pro at this form. A nice quaint set-up, simple, effective description, a little bit of a moral, and an overall happy feel. Thanks for your work! I am sure that I will read you again.
Ken, this was very funny. You establish a Don Juan, Antonio Banderas-esque character traversing the streets of a California pueblo. And. It turns out he's a bit of an overweight fraud, a creep, a peeping John! A totally unexpected and comical twist. That delivered a satisfying, amusing finale for me. You use solid word choices and deft description. Keep it up!
I like the twist which you lead the reader to by the end of the poem. It brought me a smile. The whole idea of the poem is lovely, of course. I notice that you repeat certain words a lot: spring, in particular. Maybe you could reign that in a little. This is a peaceful poem, nice job!
Hi Joe! Just a question: is Steve Jobs' original name Jay Jobs? If so I did not know that. That's a pretty cool scoop. Your writing reads very polished, in standard, academic English. It reads as a report and is highly informative, but also succinct. It was easy to follow. An interesting insight might be his legacy, his impact on the world and the culture, and why he will be remembered. An effective entry. Nice job.
I cannot wait for October here in the NorthEast. Best time of year! Crisp, cool delightful. Your poem is vivid, rich, and captures that Autumn Eve feeling (post-Indian summer) of mystery, warmth, and excitement. I enjoyed reading this and it made me feel enraptured by my own fond memories of the season. Jumping in leaves, bonfires, marshmallows, Halloween...not to mention the kaleidoscope of color which you beautifully highlighted. Thanks!
I'm giving this five stars for just how intriguing a read it was. For starters, your presentation style is fascinating. The indent on the last line of each verse had me staring and creating word patterns within each verse. I read in so many directions. Super cool. That hooked me and would keep me returning to this poem. I can't articulate how this poem made me feel, but I felt the mysterious hold and pull of the dreamworld in your words.
Tim, I rarely pay much attention to rhyme or meter, but you seem to nail it really well in this poem. Reading was almost like singing. I really appreciated that experience.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/conradmoriart
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 7:46pm on Mar 25, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
