Technical issues:
* Dranyen turns to Ivan facing him directly. * -- 'Ivan, facing'
* closest they have been, Ivan had no * -- replace this comma with a period for easier reading and better flow.
* "It is possible that this creature is trying to lure us into a trap." He says aloud, so all could hear him. * -- when attributing a quote, replace the last period inside the quote with a comma, then use a lower case for the first letter of the attribution. "Aloud" means spoken. If he says anything, he is saying it aloud as opposed to thinking it. If he is saying it loudly, then he can bellow or boom or say loudly.
In the middle of the fourth paragraph, the verb tense changes from present to past. It continues to be fluid throughout the story.
* "What do you think that was Ivan?" asks Brotal. * -- 'was, Ivan?" asks'
* "I don’t think so Ivan, this building was well built and * -- Separate this into two sentences. 'Ivan. This'
* "About three full pieces we had seven to begin with, Ivan." * -- Separate. It leaves a sentence fragment at the beginning of the quote, but that is acceptable in informal speech. 'pieces. We'
* Azamash suddenly outbursts. * -- 'outburst' is a noun. Try 'rages' or 'growls.'
Style issues:
For clarity, it's best to double-space between paragraphs on wdc.
*Walking with swords held in front of them and behind Brotal, their best point man, they were quite confident the creature they were tracking would be located, and the bounty on its head collected.* --
This sentence is convoluted and difficult to follow. This is a suggested re-write, and it probably needs some tweaking of its own: 'Brotal, their best point man, led them. Swords before them, they were quite confident they would soon locate the creature and collect the bounty on its head.'
When the beast attacks Brotal, I find it unbelievable that out of 8 remaining mercenaries, none have the fighting wits to pursue a fugitive. I would find it more believable that 7 underlings all run after the creature and Ivan has to recall a couple to him to care for the injured man.
* Ok, this place will work, Dranyen and Kyltin , I want you two to set up a guard at the corridor, light up every torch on that wall, I want to be able to see that thing coming at us well before it’s here. * -- Here, Ivan is giving orders. These should be short sentences that can be barked quickly. A military commaner doesn't meander while giving instructions, which is implied by using so many commas and a very long sentence. eg: "Okay, this place will work. Dranyan and Kyltin set up guard at the corridor. Light every torch on that wall. I want to see that thing coming well before it's here.'
Personally, I find Ivan's "We're all scared, kid" speech cliche and unnecessary.
Overall, it is full of action and has an interesting ending. |
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