Story:A hero by default, the story teller tells the tale as it was not as it has been recorded. He laments his cowardliness, and is tortured by grief at the loss of life which resulted from his lack of action. Caught in a web of deceit, he is trapped in a lie, knowing that even in death there will no reprieve.
Imagery:Excellent
Characterization :Very Good
Suggestions:None
What I especially liked:I really enjoyed the story and became so engrossed in it I forgot to look for errors - re read and found none.
Overall:The pain and regret of the storyteller is palpable and while he evokes little sympathy, none of us are immune to fear when confronted by evil, so the reader can empathize. The reality in which the writer presented the consequences of main characters fear is a solid basis on which the story rests. The consequent torment is portrayed with true understanding of the emotion. The writing style really worked for this tale and it held the readers interest all the way through.
Grammar: I'll say good, because I was so absorbed by the story I really don't know.
Suggestions: Keep writing
What I especially liked: The whole thing
Overall:This is a piece I want to share with my friends who are avid readers. While they are not reviewers they certainly know what they like and we often discuss what we are currently reading. I just loved this piece of story telling. It's structure, vocabulary, storyline and characters just resonated together so at the end of the reading I looked up at my partner and said "Wow. This is an amazing piece. If I could write like this I would be one very happy girl."
Thank you for sharing(and making me jealous of your ability).
What I especially liked:The language of this piece adds mood and take makes it more unique
Overall: One to be read more than once. It is a poem whose contents don't seem to be anything but flowery words but by the end of the reading, we have been ensnared.
Story: Cleverly told, but may be obscure for some readers because of the analogies.
Rhyme: N/A
Rhythm: For the flow of reading,the first three lines are not as good as the rest
Suggestions: Look at allowing some type of pause Ie comma in the first three lines. This will give the reader time to both feel the flow and the intent of the words.
What I especially liked:
Kicked seconds hurried past....lovely imagery.
Overall: A poem which has to be slowly savored. Read line by line you discover the nuances of meaning and depth of feeling.
Suggestions:
Look at the use of the words 'and' / 'but' and the need for comma's.
Look at run on sentences. Can you break them up ie. "My life has not been an easy one. I have had to deal with a lot in my short..."
Where you have listed events, instead of 'from' and 'to', the use of a semi colon can reduce repetition and give more impact. "...33 years of life; losing half my family, relationship issues and being estranged from the family that I have left. or in the example I have just given, because I have removed unnecessary words, you could just use a comma after the word 'life'.
Look at repetition of words, especially in close proximity I.e. remember.
Read it aloud and make allowances for the reader to pause for either breath or for impact.
Edit it to take out unnecessary words. Often the word 'that is over used (a particular fault of mine)ie You have written
"The next thing I remember is my mom coming home from the hospital and taking me into the bathroom and telling me that my father had passed away and that he was never coming home again." }Then I remember mom coming from the hospital, taking me into the bathroom, and telling me that my father had passed away and was never coming home. This says the same thing more succinctly and yet loses none of the drama of the occasion.
Then I remember mom coming from the hospital, taking me into the bathroom, and telling me that my father had passed away and was never coming home.
Me and my cousin - should this be 'my cousin and I'?
To me this piece isn't finished. Whenever writing, regardless of the number of words, there should be a beginning, middle and, an end. Even if the ending is a few words implying that this isn't the end but the rest is for another day.
Don't look at the above suggestions as inferring that your piece is written badly - it isn't. We are all here to improve our writing. Remember we who review also get reviewed.
What I especially liked: With most personal articles about illness and depression in particular, they are written about the now. In this piece you are giving readers an explanation of what events contributed to the condition. This helps establish empathy from the reader which in turns generates an more positive connection with your writing style. That the story is about the causes of your pain rather than of the pain it self makes it far more interesting.
Overall: I too suffer from major depression, so understand only too well the long term affect of childhood experiences on our life. As a story that connected with me personally, I would have given it a five. This is a site where you will find a lot of compassion and understanding, and if you ever want to email me about your depression etc, then please do. However in reviewing this article the rating is on the writing only, because writing has proven to be the best medicine for my depression and I know that it will also help you.
Keep writing, sharing and on the days you don't believe in yourself, believe in the people on this site who recognise your true abilities and potential.
Story: The word MUD is used repeatedly, but effectively in this story of how mud affects the living and the dead. I will assume the use of mud as an analogy is intentional and therefore clever.
Spelling/Grammar: Good within the style of this being written as a personal observation of the writer.
Narrative Style: Maintains interest and repetition is successful in reinforcing the imagery that sustains the drama.
Suggestions: Non
What I especially liked: The originality of the topic and the imagery.
Overall: An interestingly written piece that gives a vision of a bleak world and although it does not end positively, there is continuity in both the story and the telling.
Suggestions: No. But...here it comes out of left field...what if you were to change the title!!!! The beauty of this piece is that it leads the readers thoughts several ways but then grabs them by the throat. The title then makes sense but...I wondered if a less direct title wouldn't have the reader waiting for the connection to the "Creepy" title.
The reader would be more open their own impressions and the punch at the end would be even more effective.
What I especially liked:
The last verse changes the momentum but the last line gives goosebumps - loved it but...as per suggestion.
Overall: You have this amazing knack for drama. This piece represents how simplicity, like a black and white photo, grab people's attention and keep drawing them back. I re read this several times, almost as if searching for clues that would have prepared me for the ending and the only one was the title. It is an extremely clever piece and if one that lends me to believe you would have a compelling style for writing a novel.
Presentation: The division of the entries by title and listed alphabetically is practical and tidy and makes it easy for readers to find a favourite piece they have read before.
Volume of Work: Prolific considering the short time you have been a member.
Quality: The high standard of your work is reflected by the consistently high ratings given by an increasing number of reviewers
Suggestions: Keep sharing
What I especially liked: Nearly every piece, not only reflects your own experiences but allows readers to see episodes of their own lives.
Your poetry has a degree of drama which lifts it above the ordinary and your vocabulary is not mundane.
I also appreciate that much of your work is thought provoking.
Overall:The folder clearly shows that you are open to experimenting with different poetry styles. Your unwillingness to stay with the tried and true is refreshing. Rather your pieces show a penchant to learn and improve which makes your portfolio within WDC one other writers could learn from. If I had more Gps and wasn't so stingy I would give you an award but praise will have to do.
Suggestions:
Re write taking away the words used to rhyme.
Try to use the least number of words to express what you mean.
I.e. second verse could read:
With night comes reality
as light conceals
the stain of blood
the rain of souls
What I especially liked: This has so much potential.
The last verse is crisp and dramatic and is a great ending.
Overall: This has so much potential.
Parts seem contrived to fit the rhyme which in these instances detract from the quality. Where you haven't tried to rhyme it is much better as it allows you the freedom to present your idea exactly as intended.
If you edit this, let me know and I will reassess my rating.
Story: The writer gives a very visual narration of the country environment of NSW
Rhyme: Good
Rhythm: A bit lumpy
Suggestions: I personally felt the he flow was interrupted -
While high on the ridge frost lays in sheets looking like snow.
An engine roars past cutting the serenity like a knife.
as the sun rises creating a pink and orange glow.
Remember this is merely a suggestion - As with all stories, the more concise the more effective the telling. The following is just one interpretation of how the rhythm can be improved by using less words.
A soft blanket of mist hugs the valley below.
While high on the ridge sheets of frost look like snow
A mob of kangaroos graze on the grass,
leaving footprints as they pass.
What I especially liked:
I'm an Australian (SA) and related to everything and really enjoyed the visuals presented.
In a review of a poem I wrote you said you weren't a poet. I mean no disrespect, but you lied. I have read many of your pieces and admit that I too was disrespectful because I didn't review them. Not that they weren't worthy, but because all were exceptional in the way they touched me but I was a novice in comparison. I will correct that over the next few weeks because today you taught me a valuable lesson. The true reward for a writer of any format or genre is that the reader was touched in some way by our words. I denied you that reward by assuming my response wasn't important as so many others had already sang praise to your work.
As for this particular piece, I chose to review it because the title reflected that it was of a military nature and that is a subject very close to my heart.
The rhyme and the rhythm are very good, but it is the story and the telling that shines. You have a true gift, and I am sorry if, as you put to me, you do not consider yourself a poet, however in your modesty, I hope that you can accept that the gift you have as a story teller, is both a blessing and a responsibility. Such is your ability to write from the depth of the soul, that you are relating the emotional and social history for future generations to read, appreciate and learn from.
Thank you for the story, for the tears I shed and for the tribute to those who continue to keep America and Australia free
Story: After hanging on to the pain for so long the time has come for someone to help the writer move foreward.
Rhyme: very good
Rhythm: not bad until last two lines.
Suggestions: Would like to see you try and shorten the last two lines to improve the rhythm without losing the intent of the words.
For now I must be carried, there will only one set of footprints in the sand,
something like now I am carried, one set of footprints in the sand,
while you love me, respect me, listen to me, be my friend, hug me and hold my hand.
something like while you love and respect me, and hold my hand.
these suggestions still don't smooth the rhythm perfectly but it gives you an idea. Also the word love covers friendship and hugging and the word respect covers listening so those three elements can be left unsaid without the line losing impetus.
Now that even more time has passed write about individual incidents or occasions as your experiences, although sad, are food for dramatic pieces as well as a measure of how far you have or have not moved on.
Overall: A lot of pain over a long period and the recognition that it is time to move on. Considering this poem is but a hint of the drama, deceit, pain, fear and loneliness it is well expressed.
Summary:I am not a participant in your course, but I have added this article to many others of have gathered in a bid to improve my writing.
Many times I find such informative articles boring and therefore useless in conveying the guidance that was intended. Makes you wonder if they practice what they preach (damn, one of them sneaky old cliches).
The examples given are not only pertinent but interesting within themselves.
If this is an example of the standard of work you put forward as a facilitator and mentor then the participants of your course are in excellent hands and have already made an excellent life changing decision on their road to writing excellence.
Although I write many poems in tribute to the military, they are lost within the whole concept of the magnificence that WDC has become. For many of us with or without a military connection, there are not enough ways to express our thanks, pride, appreciation, empathy and sympathy. This site allows us the freedom to express in whatever way we can, how our lives, military or civilian, are touched by the the personnel who day in and day out 'just do their job'. The job of fighting terrorists, supporting the down trodden, protecting the innocent here and overseas, rebuilding the civic structures of freedom, putting their life before that of their 'brothers' and those at home and so much more.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to provide this avenue in which we cannot just showcase our writing, but share what's in our hearts.
Subject matter: Very interesting and pertinent to everyone.
Theorizing: theory explained, personal example given
Readability: Good
Suggestions: I haven't reviewed this grammatically but rather on the basis of the presentation and credibility of the theory proffered, therefore no suggestions are given.
What I especially liked: That you have put forward a theory that is complete. Rather than leaving the reader thinking 'So?' it encourages them to explore their own 'theory' of the subject in relation to the one you have put forward.
Overall:Deja vu is an interesting subject matter that can only be hypothesized as opposed to debated due to lack of scientific or known data. Your theory is an excellent discussion piece.
Story: An open letter to military personnel overseas.
Suggestions: None
What I especially liked:
When you feel alone sometimes remember I see the same stars you do.
and
Remember, most of all, you are part of us all
Overall: This is a heartfelt piece that will resonate with all who read it, regardless of their political persuasion. It is a simple communique and yet the authors need to write it and for those to whom it is written, it is anything but simple. The inclusion of the following, while a prayer within itself, does not extol or discriminate the virtues of any religious denomination.
May Our Father protect you
May His love surround you
May the time pass quickly for you
It is an expression of the desire for the recipients to be comforted by reminding them they are not alone in their battle for survival.
What I especially liked: The use of lush words, rarely seen but in the springtime of prose.
Overall:Excellent imagery and use of words - I'm sure many readers will look some of them up - ersatz was the one that had me searching. However I'm not sure that the delightful word virescent was how I pictured the springtime sky but I may be being a little too pedantic.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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This is the type of story that will raise empathy with the readers. We have brutality, fear, love, nobility and courage. Also the compassion of school friends. We also have a caring but determined hero.
Although you give us no description of the main character, the reader is given enough insights to allow them to guess the hero's age and this is confirmed when told 'the driver is another high school student'. We know he is mentally and physically tough, not just because of all that he has gone through, but because of his determination to change his situation. While motivated by fear and survival instincts, moving from being unsafe in a home environment to the insecurity of an unknown future is something many adults cannot do. I.e. I was in a violent marriage for 28 years before I had the courage to leave.
I won't say I enjoyed the story told, but I enjoyed the reading and did get involved, in as much as I too was afraid when the headlights came.
Suggestions:
Read this piece as if you were a teacher.
Look for repetition of words I.e. he, his, These particular examples could be fixed if the hero had a name. Again just a suggestion.
Be aware of past and present tenses.
Check typo's- there are two or three.
Also look at sentence structure I.e. 'As if walking through a mine field, he walks to the front door. ' Could read 'He walks to the front door as if walking through a mine field.'
Look for superfluous words I.e. 'The ditch{, he notices,} is dark and damp .' remove the bracketed words to leave - ' The ditch is dark and damp.'
Spelling: Worse should be worst. I'm not sure but 'plowed' is probably an American spelling because in Oz we spell it ploughed.
Everyone's grammar is better than mine, but I'm sure you have a reasonable handle on that. Other reviewers will certainly pick it up.
As a quick read this is good. As a piece to review it can be tightened up quite a bit.
Re editing past writings can be a drag when you have so many new things to write, but I know you want honest feedback and to improve and, although I hate doing it myself, re-editing really is satisfying. Every thing we write is special, for either content or purpose. Whether recording our past, present, future or imagination, they become a part of our history. Therefore our special pieces deserve to be the best they can be.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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You have imparted the information well and in an easy to read manner.
By identifying the main characters with those of another religion, you have not only broadened the reader base, but have contributed to the demystification of your own religion.
I.e. a full stop is required after the 'e'. You do not need the '-' between I.e. and the examples that follow.
etc. With this you do not need the full stop after each letter.
"...mixed to form [a] clay;" the word 'a' is not required - delete.
"...So Iblis (Satan) declared [that] he would lead..." remove the word 'that' as it is not required.
In a story/novel avoid using the brackets. Suggestion "...Hawaa who in the Bible is named Eve..." but as this piece is the interpretation of a story in a historical book, it works here. However, when they are first mentioned you identified a characters other known name in brackets, i.e. Hawaa (Eve), Iblis (Satan). However, having given the reader that information, you do not have to do this every time.
As a Christian I found this both informative and enlightening.
Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading the stories of the other prophets.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
Imagery was excellent.
The reader does not have to have knowledge of the military to appreciate the story behind this piece.
I am sure many readers will empathize with this summary of a life of honor and sacrifice.
The past and present are brought together in the last three lines:
All the honor, dedication, and pride,
All the suffering, sacrifice, and pain,
Wrapped up in tags and chains.
To write is your challenge, to review is mine.
I may offer suggestions but always with respect.
They are there for your to accept or reject.
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A well told story with which readers can relate.
I visualise this old man as one who's wisdom comes from a life of struggle but sustained by faith.
Good imagery.
Excellent characterisation.
There is more than one message in this piece, but it neither a lecture nor a sermon but an honest and believable piece of storytelling that could be easily adapted to a short story. This would allow the old man's character to be exposed more deeply and the growth of the relationship between the writer and the wise one given more emphasis.
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