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67 Public Reviews Given
72 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
...ALOHA, I-M
...it's me, christo, you sent me a review of "Saturday's bulemic cat", which was so kind, so perceptive, so helpful (as i said in a note hope you got) that i thought i might return the favor; unlike me, i see you don't only write poetry (i can say i envy you that, i have tried (again & again), but find i must not have the proper software for that; i openly admit both to others, and to myself; what i've come to think that shorter-type poem is very small (controllable), which fits with my (probably-Too over-the-top sense of 'perfection' (never to be achieved, but a noble goal... something, an experience, a viewpoint, something beautiful or grotesque... i think (somewhat egotistically) that i have a brain compulsively looking for meaning (i forget the name, it is a well-known syndrome, allegedly pre-programmed into every human brain, which seeks patterns (which professionals argue as to the 'validity' of ie - do we "see" things which are not there?); i know myself, very early began to 'see' things that others didn't (whether in wallpaper, or the stereotypical 'clouds'), but then later the (sometimes) very accurate pattern, which then offered me some (valid) insights, and then, with the creation of 'poetry' i felt that one tries to arrange images & actions (in some 'alchemical' way), such that (if the reader was capable of opening their mind (or at least gaining Some 'Fresh' insight), could, kindof like a code, use language to share these thoughts, not always overtly; i have worked-on some pieces for 20 years or more, trimming, changing a word here, a comma there, sometimes even throwing huge sections out, sometimes, i have been looking back, and find 2 or 3 pieces begun but never gotten very far with, and suddenly these disparate subjects, styles seem to have been made to go together; most of my pieces (which i have determined to be 'ready-enough', that i have a modicum of faith-in,and sometimes, deeper truths (about life, but even more about myself); i think (i never thought about This) i probably have started, or started to a point when it its' "complete" maybe a thousand individual poems, which I have, (over time, rejected 50-70% of) such that (and this sounds so... i don't know what) i probably have maybe 50 of on here, which i'm "willing to share"... pretty pathetic after 50-60 years of writing, i barely have the nerve to let others see"... sometimes that seems so lame... but some years ago, i began to include stuff which (seemed-to) be more revelatory of my own world/experience/experiences... so, as you may find out, i can "go-on" (although i dread the moment when i see that in another's eyes)...now i've yakked enough so that i'm nodding-off (it's midnight here), but i intend to come back and offer some of my reactions to some of your pieces, but i want to thank you again, you're remarks were a shot-in-the-arm that i deeply need.... until then, i will wish you Peace, Love, Faith, Hope and aloha...
2
2
Review of Anti-hero  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
... this review will consist of one word, but on the way to it i would like to say: Rick, you have a skill i searched long & hard for in earlier days - i often comment on a person's poem by (i hope) reassuring them that sometimes (actually, quite often) i watch the writer committed to a belief-in, the necessity-of a rhyming scheme; [ &, yes, i know for some folks, they have actually been 'taught' that "all poetry Must rhyme, right at the end of the line", and will, due to that dictum (that Opinion - that was presented as an unquestionable requirement), alas, i have watched them start a poem with a 'good concept', and then, as they struggle to search the thesaurus, at the end of Every line, to find the one word perfectly achieving the intended meaning, And the echo as well, spending copious amounts of energy/time/creative sponteneity, in search of the rhyme; now, (unfortunately) it is not Easy to find the right word (to fulfill the ongoing 'meaning' of the poem), And to also (comfortably) which also executes the rigid rule of rhymes; i watch this struggle (usually also watching as their energy, their originating impulse, their process of searching (for words), [ (perhaps) as opposed to What they want to say]. don't get me wrong, because one of the legs of the 3-legged milking stool of writing poetry is most-certainly the sound of the poem, of the words... when rhyming [ either internal (in the line) or at the ends of lines, Or assonance (the rhyming of vowel sounds), i get a little sad, this magical form [ that We have seen (apparently easily) accomplished, while still perfectly carrying-on the thoughts In the lines ] Is Not (in most people, most writers) so fundamentally-employed in work-after-work, by absolute Masters (for whom, i would guess, the rhyming just flowed, so inherently that they probably didn't Have to 'work-at-it', it was (in no way) a drain on their abilities.... & That, my friend, in my estimation, is a hand-cuffing of their creative artistic spirit. and now, because you have listened to my 'drooling pontification' so patiently, i will deliver on my aforementioned one-word-review, (which is), " BRAVO !!! "... what a fine & lyrically-delightful tribute to another human condemned to (having-to) Write AND STAY COMPLETELY 'Himself', yes, just
" .B.R.A.V.O. !!!"
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3
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
... how poignant! as a JB fan (not quite a Phead, ...but i know a few....) i guess the one question i want to ask (& you may tell me it's 'none-of-my-business'), is, "Did you just write this? subsequent to his passing?" and if the answer be "Yes", then i must further commend such a quick creation; i have in the past tried to write pieces for performing artists who has passed, but for me, i am forced to write & rewrite, niggling-here, whittling-there...( but it is true that i have been described as a bit of a 'fuss-budget').... to each their own, for sure. having gone-on-&-on, i'm going to give you a look at pretty-much the only such poem i have ever felt well-enough about to post... for your enjoyment (i would hope)...
.
.
minga, jerry

.
i saw you without a touch of grey
in the Fillmore, purple with mescaline--
one young beast not to be tamed
.
at a race track in Maine, you floated
100,000 freaks up into the night sky
and set 'em down, with a soft glove
.
in a hockey rink at UMaine, you destroyed
a beautiful mushroom high with bad
sound and something aching in your heart
.
then, my best bud forced me to come to Boston Garden
and while he spent 2000 years in nirvana (surrounded
by incredible, grinning facsimiles of us, 25 years ago)
you restored the Sistine Chapel with jazz and Persian rugs
.
.
this June, on a whim, i took my last two kids to Vermont:
through the Highgate, we passed into the moving feast
you created; and they could taste the community
.
which was more than just the music (because we knew
each night was just one more bead on your necklace of notes,
your endless sharing of the noodles in your head)
.
yet strangely, it was the same gathering, the same family it had been
that night on the lower east side, or in SanFran (before the money
came), just garbage cans full of a new way to look at things
.
and my kids felt that (sprung from hippie shanties
in the Maine woods), they recognized that shared vision
they shook with the power of being part of the show.
.
.
so now, on some unnoticeable Wednesday, you just up-and-leave
us; lucky you, now you can just play,
while we will forever watch that hot Vermont moon come up
.
grey-haired and bearded, only a bit younger than you
and wonder whether you would change a single lick,
now that you are finally
.
high enough to see.
.
.
© Copyright 2010 christo (christo13 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
well, cat
i've given u a 4 (if the #s matter to u)...that (positive) rating is a commentary on WHAT u r saying, not how u said it
i was once (as i take it u r now) in college & writing poetry (i had been since i was 12), and i had a great teacher who helped (and changed) my writing SIGNIFICANTLY ...one of his primary lessons was "SHOW ME, DON'T TELL ME".. the trick is to present and ask all these questions (in ur head), without just having an internal (unedited) 'dialogue with urself'...u must attempt to EVOKE (feel, smell, taste), in the reader, the very EXPERIENCE u r having, thereby causing THEM 2 generate the context in a manner that allows them to 'get' what u r feeling/saying
i hope it doesnt seem like i'm lecturing, i only bother to review pieces that show the depth of the writer, and i'm trying to pass on to u some helpful thoughts...
in any event, my advice is to keep pouring it out, becoming ever more successful @ moving ur reader

ciao 4 now,
christo
5
5
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
i didnt looose interest, (other that your BOLD, PURPLE type) there is nothing of interest...
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Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
well, kl
a poem! full & deep, with an overarching metaphor (perfectly maintained, throughout- this is just what i read here for
first- the overfall meatphor (ie- raindrops= friends, and then the characterization of differing physical attribtutes =ing various types) is SO apt, as to wonder why your the first to use it?
specifically: i liked they "seep off the edge/blow back and come inside."
i dont feel u need the last stanza (in its present form), you have made ur point beautifully already, why 'sum it up the reader'
all in all, a piece which deserves to be honed and polished to fulfill its strength

ciao 4 now

christo
7
7
Review of Tennessee Breeze  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
turtlemoon
now this is poetry; i say that because the author is using imagery to create a sense of...time, place, feeling
what i dont see here (uncommon on these pages) is a self-concious 'versifying', i dont hear any false, forced rhyming (which ALWAYS destroys the flow & the meaning of a piece)
what i particularly like: "A screen porch caught/us at the door/ of midnight's chance"- now THAT is a poetic image, a hard, real time and place (one can feel the air on the porch), which speaks an entire volume (in just 1 image), which pulls the reader (right) along with the speaker
i DO think there is more to be captured by this piece, more 'sense of the 'atmosphere', perhaps, even more of what this all meant, to the writer--great pieces continue to change, grow and unfold; i think this is a poem you should continue to hone AND 'follow', it could only lead you (and the reader) to further perception
all-in-all, A FINE PIECE!

ciao 4 now

christo
8
8
Review of Love's Token  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
ren
well, what a niece little piece!
the first comment i'll make has to do with rhyming- i've been on a tear lately, trying to tell my fellow writers that to (force a) rhyme, or an entire rhyming pattern, on a piece, is, for most of us, a prescription for losing our way, our idea, AND our reader's attention; i feel that when the reader sees you, feels you, struggling to make the line work and still come up with a rhyming sound, in a word, then you might as well not bother (try INTERNAL rhyming, it frees you to keep your meaning and flow)--
WOW, what a blowhard, huh?
BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE HERE;
although you struggle a bit early, by the time you get to the third stanza, you have found your stride, and the rhyming, from there out is organic, and FULFILLS the thoughts; this is a pleasure
by the time you reach "My heart was in chains...", i feel you have the over-riding image for the poem, 'locks burst, leading to freedom'-- selfishly, he said, it reminds me of my poem entitled "Penny (for your thoughts)", the last couplet of both poems asserting the positive growth gained, even from a relationship that has ended

WELL DONE!
i think this piece deserves further work, the 2 opening stanzas need to lay the thrust of the poem out:
"The necklace of another year, now past, lies broken
in my hand, warm as words of love, once spoken..."

or something...

hope this helps

ciao 4 now

christo
9
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Review of dump  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
dank
good piece!!
the thought, the execution, hard to find anything to change
dont know if you need "in public" in the 1st stanza?
i love "It goes underground where no one will see it"-- this is a beautiful allusion to the hypocracy of our 'body-denying' morality, our hypocracy over our common, bodily, ANIMAL processes-- i think that is the sub-text of the piece?
the sarcasm (and feigned acceptance) captured in the final couplet is the perfect coda

i'm gonna search out more of your stuff (i'd be gratified to hear any thoughts on my work - you might try "a powerful deadly creature", i think it echoes your sense of 'otherness' concerning the animal our conciousness rides around in)

thx for the fine read

peace

christo
10
10
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
hi koufax
i found alot in this piece to really like-- i never saw the earlier version, but think the story you seek to portray is worth even more work (i must admit, i rarely am done with any piece; i am still revising pieces i wrote 20 years ago!)
the number of excellent lines is MANY: everything through "the terrible truth" seems perfect, after that, i think you could be more'image-rooted' (for lack of a better term), for example, i would DESCRIBE the qualities of the "chapel", which make it FEEL " testifying (ie- maybe 'bell towers, sworn,/ reaching for the sky,/ a tolling testimony/ to our lack of understanding'---do you see what i mean? images which SHOW US, rather than TELLING us
i think a different word for squeeze would 'fit' better- arent you trying to say 'clinging to' or 'grasping'? squeezing seems too... toothpaste tubey
the final stanza is a beautiful coda, leaving us wistful and bereft - bravo!

there is so very much this piece has to say, i think you should continue to refine it

GOOD WORK!!

ciao 4 now

christo
11
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Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
hi bill
i am more than glad to read your stuff (as you requested), with the proviso that i am really only interested in the verse
i want to like this piece; the title alone warrants attention, as it is so true
but i am somewhat confused when reading it-- shall i construe that "my master", is a reference to jesus? and if you are a devout christian, why isnt "master", at least, be capitalized (you may find my question hypocritical, as this message, as well as any of my work, should you choose to read it, eschews the use of capitalization in almost all situations) ? but i find it unusual for someone who defines themselves that way, chooses not to?
on to specifics: i dont mind "lowing to self" [even with the ommission (sp?) of the implicit adjective, 'my'], but i cant quite accept (especially from a self-described English professor) the use of the the non-adverbial modifier, "slow" as opposed to 'slowly'?
i have a personal issue with poets who, in the service of a certain rhyming scheme choose sentence closing words which do not fit (either syntactically, or terms of the appropriateness of the meaning)- i find it doubly jarring, because after the forced rhymes of the first 2 stanzas, you totally abandon said scheme
and then i really loose you: is the "master" now "the other power"

i want to say something to you (and i want you to understand that i usually only review pieces which i find somehow 'gratifying'-- as my grandmother actually said, "if you cant say something nice, dont say anything!"- but i sense a strong writing talent, that needs to understand that poetry is not about TELLING ME SOMETHING, it is about SHOWING ME!
if you want me to grasp your 'revelation' (that all paths lead to the same place), then GET ME ON THE PATH, show me the other travelers, approaching the same end, from different angles

i hope this hasnt been an unpleasant experience for you, i am neither rude, or insensitive to how hard it is to risk sharing one's work, but i wanted to review this, as asked, and didnt want to be insincere. please feel free to savage any and all of my work

ciao 4 now

christo
12
12
Review of Feel My Pain  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
stella
i hope this is a tale of the past
you certainly capture the angst of this position, the sense of hopelessness, as well as all layers of self-doubt
that said, i sense that you could write a MUCH MORE stunning relating of this reality-- some of the lines (the 3 lines that begin"What it's like...") are trite (i've heard them sooo many times (perhaps, something like '..to walk on tiptoe', '...my fingers on the welts, on my back', '...to watch blood swirling down the sink'--i dont propose that these are the only changes that would work, but rather to encourage you to symbolize this syndrome with FRESH, sense-based images
i applaud your courage to (admit and) ytake on this "heavy" subject, and would love to see this piece recast in very visceral images

but most of all, keep on writing

ciao 4 now

christo
13
13
Review of IN THE MIST  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
yellow
i'd call this a 'quiet little piece', and i find the quietude fitting (it is muffled by the mist); i want a little more description (perhaps your shadows (2), as you walked "in the light of love", or the blocks the foundation was built of...)
but, just as it is, a fine piece, evocative, wistful
i like the quote (?) of the last line, pwerhaps it should be echoing itself (from the earlier stanzas?)

keep the faith

christo
14
14
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
right on, leger
do not attach your (hopefully, loving, fond) memories of me to ANY place, or even my body; let ur light join mine, beaming across space
sober, intelligent and informed-- u r
if interested, i tried to capture and honor a dear friend (in death)-- "right as rain, bob, right as rain--- i'd be honored to know what u think of it

peace

christo
15
15
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
leger
just so! terse, rooted in images; its very sparseness = the winter scene
i thought the 1st 3 lines were strong, georgeous; thought the final 3 lacked the intense grounding of the beginning
but, FINE WORK!! (now to plumb the depths of your (massive) folio

thank u 4 ur thoughts

ciao 4 now

christo
16
16
Review of Paranoid Fires  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
longbow
soo good; to hint id to subtly confer
so delicate, on so indelicate a subject
UNIVERSAL THEME- there is no human who (truth be told) doesnt know what this piece is addressing
internal, as well as line-ending rhymes, divine!
dance around the elephant in the room, and by non-disclosure, define its shadow
i (obviously) like this alot
now i'll just ahve to read more of your stuff

peace

chrisyo
17
17
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
thad (do u go by that?)
first, thank you so much for your supportive review of Perfect Lilacs, especially that you "could smell the lilacs"==that is the best response i could get; i believe that 'effective ' poetry is poetry that ROOTS the reader in the experience of the piece (an early teacher drove the concept of SHOW ME, DON'T TELL ME! deep into my writing), by 'showing' the sensual reality...blah, blah-- the nuff of me
so i love how this piece is about smell (is there any thing more luscious than the smell of the air before a thundershower? answer: yes the smell after the shower!)
there is a repetition at the end of stanzas 1 & 3 (ie- "ather in these sounds..." & "pleasure oin the(se) sounds...") that i would like to hear 'echo' at the ends of all (?) or at least every other stanza
then when you switch to the sense of smell/sound ("..sizzling over hot charcoal), and hearing ("puddles splashing), I AM RIGHT THERE, WITH YOU
i have listened to the rain (i'm gonna list a new pioece that i wrote after a friend passed, call "right as rain, bob"- i hope youll check it out) and applade this attempt to capture that experience--BRAVO!!

peace, 4 now

christo
18
18
Review of A Different World  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
well, desdimona
i disagree, i think u ARE a poet
and i absolutely love the opening line here-- youve got me 'on the hook', but i never get the payoff i'm waiting for
i find an absolutely captivating rhythmic sense here, and (unusually, for me) i'm gonna reformulate the line breaks, to accentuate that (forgive me for being soo presumptuous) not discussing content yet, just rhythm, controled by (your) linebreaks

The snow is gone
It's time to move on
On, on and away
Further and further [each day?]

Running and running [Run, and running,]
Fly, flying, flee this trap [Fly, flying, freely, fleeing this trap?]
Fly, fly away

Over hills mountains valleys
To a different world [To some different world?]
Wing, wing away
Carried, buoyed,
Lifted by wind
Pursued by mediocrity

A spot [To a spot?]
Quiet and barren
Sit [To sit,?]
Sit and think
Think of Nothingness
Think of blankness [Think, blankness]
Think of Insanity [Think, think, of, insanity?]

Quiet [Think quiet]
Empty [Think, empty]
Towering bare faced rocks,
Surround
Dirt Mother Earth
Pebbles Dust

Stretch, languish
Lie in the dirt
Listen to the Silence
Of my own mind

Listen to the Silence
Of the rocks and dirt
Absorb the sun
Wait here forever
While the mind rots

And blanks [And think, in the blanks?]
And the quiet speaks
And I am one
Alone

Dirt sun rock
Impassive around me
While I [While I go]
Slowly/Go Insane [Go, slowly, go insane]
Then fly away
To another world [To that other world]

*stuff in brackets [ ] r possible variations

please forgive me, i dont usually presume to rewrite somebody's whole poem, but i feel the power here!
so dont take me the wrong way (i wouldnt have used my energy if i didnt value the piece), just possible thoughts

keep writing (feel free to give my stuff a look and ur thoughts)

peace

christo
19
19
Review of We've Tried It  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
ALRIGHT
it is what it is; i don't think its the best piece of poetry youve eevr written, but it is a fine 'routine'
what's good, is the rhythm, the fact that you didnt force the rhyming [in fact i'm a huge fan of 'internal rhyming- is that "assonance"(sp?)]
and i DO love the last couplet, it makes the whole exercise worth the trip
so....good; i'm going to check out your other stuff

ciao 4 now

christo
20
20
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
anita
first of all-- I DO FEEL YOUR PAIN! so if that was one of the things you wanted me to feel...SUCCESS! i think both men & women can empathize
i think the key to this poem (& that feeling) lies in the last stanza, and with the 'payoff ' of the last line, but ithink the route you take to get there needs to be more about the signs of your waiting
the 1st stanza starts just right, with him calling, you preparing (show us more of your anticipation-ie nervous fingers on the zipper), i think that should be the thrust of how you're WAITING, happy, thrilled- but ending in the.... 'wet pillows of disappointment' or somethin
i think the 2nd stanza is beside the point, kinda beating your breast (figuratively)-- the piece doesn't need that. i think continue to paint the picture of being left, misused, unappreciated (remember- SHOW ME DON'T TELL ME!), perhaps another 'vignette' to SHOW his behavior, establish as a pattern that you were "throwing your pearls before swine," OOH, that might be nice, a scene where ur taking off a pearl necklace, and it breaks...
OH WELL this is your piece, and there is a kernal of experience in there that we can all relate to, so..... good luck with htis piece, i hope i get to re a revised version sometime
for now tho, just keep on writin

peace

christo
21
21
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
glyn (u good little witch u!)
HOW PERFECT!
if the art of haiku is perfect brevity, well u have achieved it here!
so many good things:
1) the first line is ACTION- i cansee not just the peach (first), but the biting, the savoring, and yes, the dripping- at the end of this line there is a drop of nectar, falling through the air! WOW!!
2) then more action- (now slightly slipping to past or passing tense) the action implies (now) the entrance of 'the OTHER' - is he (she) crushing those berries on YOU??- it just makes me want to lick them off!!!
3) no action!- i think the peak has past; i see u reclining, sticky with love and fruit, sated-- the 'honeydew and you.' just coooooool!

FINE, FINE JOB!! no improvement neccesary (or possible!)

u might find either "SEX" OR "love in the dunes" (both mine-he noted, egotistically) interesting if not as beautifully brief & luscious

hope to hear more from u

ciao 4 now

christo
22
22
Review of Fall  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
please, don't take this the wrong way: it's cute, its sweet, its wistful, and these are all meant to be compliments, because (i'm thinking)that's exactly what you wanted me to feel?
my own greatest guideline (from my very first real poetry teacher) is "SHOW ME, DON'T TELL ME!, and i think you follow that in this piece, i don't feel " read to", if you know what i mean? i feel shown, and i like that, cause it lets me feel what I want, about this picture--
so, VERY GOOD! , indeed

specifics? i love the action of the 1st stanza (might find an even more delicious word for 'pretty'); and the leaves are already dead, when they fall
2nd stanza: you're letting the reader slip away; i don't know quite WHY u don't 'feel him', but i DO want to get to the 'golden lands', and i can accept them, though vague, because we all have those 'golden lands' of our past AND future
3rd- i'm not sure 'lain' is a proper conjugation ( sounds beautiful though); i'm undecided about your archaic usage ('spelt'- the spell check just puked it up- stupid little spell checker!)- but now i've decided i can take it, it fits the overall dialect of the piece (plus, i'm pretty archaic, myself)
so... FINE JOB!! i think, if you love this piece as much as it seems you do, i'd shave it, and sand it (maybe rework the 2nd, so its more descriptive and powerful

on the whole, i enjoyed this piece (please share your thoughts about one of mine)
peace
christo
23
23
Review of Mask  Open in new Window.
Review by christo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
good for you, taking on such darkness (of the human soul);
i think, though, we must guard ourselves against 'grinding axes' in our pieces.while there is nothing wrong with venting your ...anger?...disappointment?...at someone, it is a slippery slope to think you know what's in another's heart.
this is why i always return to a ...skill? .. a device?... that my very first real poetry teacher hammered in to me: SHOW ME, DON'T TELL ME!!
if you draw pictures of the experiences he goes through, if you show us the pain and aloneness this person feels, then you are not 'writing a poison pen letter' about someone, you are leaving the reader to make that judgement for themself.

mechanically, a few things- rhyming that is forced (so that you use words to complete the sound, but which are not quite fitting for the meaning [ie-'its attempts are only another lout' first of all "lout" is a masc. noun, so an attempt (active verb) can't be a noun---if you are intent on rhyming, i would look more for an active description: ' its attempts were just one more probing snout'- (just ONE possibility!! but at least its active, descriptive).
next, i'm not a big fan of capitalization (in general, i personally don't use upper case- obviously!!), but especially capitalizing (non) proper nouns (ie- forces of nature, human character traits, etc) seems to me to be saying "reader, your not smart enough to know how important this word is, so i'm gonna put a flag on it"

i hope you know these are not criticisms of YOU, but rather feedback, as i assume you, like me, and all true writers, are MOST concerned about how/what we are actually getting across into our reader's heads; i value nothing as much as an honest review by a valued peer
ciao for now! power to the people!!
chris
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