You have a good begining here, so keep working at it. I have found that, by reading by stories out lout I find problems with sentance structure jump right out at me. Try this with your story, and you may find some places where the wording might be altered to make the flow a little clearer.
I see that you are new here (I haven't been here that long, either), and there are free classes in grammar and puntuation that are great. I'm in two classes right now, one for grammar and puntuation, called 'Genisis'; and the other is Computer 101. The computer class is great and will help you navigate the site easily. Click on 'Writing Resoures' and then 'Writing Classes' to see what is available. New classes start in September, so check the great FREE classes you can take.
Keep Writing!
I really like the subject matter and the waay you were able to bring the reader into your subjects head, her feelings and thoughts. Although this is not a genre I really enjoy reading yours had a very nice flow to the words and really held my attention.
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