I believe its not the religion that must be feared; but the religious that tread on blindly without questioning and re-affirming their faith! Glad to read your thoughts, you truly are one of those few souls who see beyond the obvious!
Good job for a first poem! u can make this better, by adding more imagery around what you're trying to convey. use metaphors and similies to stress a point or to just add to the overall imaginitive aspect of the poem, remember, poetry is telling something in style!
your starting is very nice......i liked the way it flowed......but then from the middle part of the 3rd para onwards u somehow seem to go off the road.....its not clear then wht ur talking bout......but all in all i enjoyed the poem.....u have the gift and the potential lies to be fully tapped......
best way is to read your poems aloud that way you 'hear' your poem adn can better judge how its flowing by the sound of it......
keep writing!
cheers :)
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