I’m sure you get many interpretations of this poem, so I guess I’m not alone when I add my thoughts. As I read this, initially, it seems that someone who used to be with you is no longer a part of your life and left an empty hole in your heart. However, as I get to the end, there is a plea for your peace of mind Very good play on words!
What’s the Verdict?
This poem sparkles!
In the first verse, you described your heated emotions vividly. In verse two, you long for the way it used to be. You end it all in the last verse with a plea for finding your sanity.
Tips to Top It
I initially felt that end punctuations were missing, but adding them seemed to take away from the essence of the poem itself. As I took another look at your piece before submitting my review, I noticed that you made some changes and they reflected the similar changes that I was going to suggest. The changes you made to your poem were right on point and added the appropriate pauses to the readers. Great job on the rewrites!
What’s Next?
Thanks for submitting your poem for review. Although you have several poems submitted for review, you will find out which one was selected for the chance to win a unique sig inspired by the winning poem and some GPs when the winners are announced at the end of Round Two. Since you have already reviewed your poem and took ownership of your revisions I will review your poem again (and possibly re-rate if applicable) after May 18, 2007 with the remaining entries to be judged in Round Two.
The rhyme and meter in this piece is very comforting. The story and the beat work hand in hand to create a great poem.
What’s the Verdict?
This poem is bursting with diamonds!
Each verse leads you into the next episode that you can envision in your mind. The verse that stood out to me was verse six. You’ve successfully placed the reader at that moment in time with your descriptions in previous verses. Especially verse three, as you led the reader to get involved in your quest up the mountain.
Tips to Top It
No end punctuations are needed. Your grammar and spelling is on point.
What’s Next?
Thanks for submitting your poem for review. As a reminder, this poem has been entered into Round Two of the Diamond in the Rough Poetry Contest for the chance to win a unique sig inspired by the winning poem and some GPs. To increase your chances of winning, you must review your own poem and take ownership of revisions either inspired by my review or based on some changes of your own. Let me know your changes by May 18, 2007 and I will review your poem again (and possibly re-rate if applicable) with the remaining entries to be judged in Round Two.
This poem is a very simple and elementary rhyme that is good for all to read. In this piece, you are expressing the ideal of a deep love for someone who is extremely dear.
What’s the Verdict?
This piece is somewhat close to sparkling, I'm hoping that you will be encouraged by some tips that may help improve your piece.
Tips to Top It
Here is a challenge that may help your poem sparkle:
If you can add to or replace some of your adjectives to
make a stronger or more dramatic piece, I’m sure you
can make this sparkle.
Example: instead of using “very strong” –
think of a metaphor that depicts the same thing
such as, “like the wind so strong”
This may sound a bit corny – but I hope you get the point.
Show some drama and I think you will be able to make this sparkle.
What’s Next?
Thanks for submitting your poem for review. As a reminder, this poem has been entered into Round Two of the Diamond in the Rough Poetry Contest for the chance to win a unique sig inspired by the winning poem and some GPs. To increase your chances of winning, you must review your own poem and take ownership of revisions either inspired by my review or based on some changes of your own. Let me know your changes by May 18, 2007 and I will review your poem again (and possibly re-rate if applicable) with the remaining entries to be judged in Round Two.
This is a very gripping and poignant work of art. You have managed to recreate the emotions this young child has experienced from his/her point of view. You can truly feel the emotional connection you have with this young child.
What’s the Verdict?
Your poem is bursting with diamonds!
What really moved me in this poem was the point you described as the child was finally able to break free from the haunting past. I’m referring to the last six lines of verse four. Great job!
Tips to Top It
I only have a few minor suggestions including the unnecessary commas in the following phrases: ‘that scared you so,’ - ‘For many years you grew,’ - ‘In this house,’
In verse three, the last two lines read a little awkward.
This line can be reworked to something like:
’Now you can’t even find the place
Because you’ve seen what time can erase’
What’s Next?
Thanks for submitting your poem for review. You have several poems submitted for review. You will find out which one was selected for the chance to win a unique sig inspired by the winning poem and some GPs when the winners are announced at the end of Round Two. To increase your chances of winning, you must review your own poem and take ownership of revisions either inspired by my review or based on some changes of your own. Let me know your changes and I will review your poem again prior to the end of Round Two on May 15, 2007.
I love this piece! It is so rich and full of rhythm and rhyme.
What’s the Verdict?
Your poem is bursting with diamonds!
Although I enjoyed the entire piece, several verses made this piece very effective (in my opinion). The last three verses encompass the complete story of the resurrection. It begins with “revenge” against the diabolical enemy described in the previous verse. The second to the last verse illuminates the moment He ascends to heaven. The final verse wraps it all up with the open-ended event that is the foundation of our hope of eternal life.
Tips to Top It
Your rhyme is on point and your grammar is flawless. Great job!
What’s Next?
Thanks for submitting your poem for review. As a reminder, this poem has been entered into Round Two of the Diamond in the Rough Poetry Contest for the chance to win a unique sig inspired by the winning poem and some GPs. I have no suggested revisions for your piece. However, whether you choose to make edits or not, I will review your poem one more time prior to the end of Round Two on May 15, 2007.
This is a very romantic poem that shows the more gentle side of your writing compared to the 1st piece I reviewed from you.
What’s the Verdict?
Your poem sparkles!
The diamond in this poem was how you weaved the refrain throughout the couplets and managed to maintain the structured rhythm.
Tips to Top It
There is really not a whole lot to change in your piece. The 8-6-8-6 format is on point as well as the grammar and spelling. Excellent work!
What’s Next?
Thanks for submitting your poem for review. You have several poems submitted for review. You will find out which one was selected for the chance to win a unique sig inspired by the winning poem and some GPs when the winners are announced at the end of Round Two. I have no suggested revisions for your piece. However, whether you choose to make edits or not, I will review your poem one more time prior to the end of Round Two on May 15, 2007.
In my opinion, this has the potential to become a classic for memorizing the books of the Bible. Your passion has shined through as you intertwined the book titles with your own personal expressions of devotion. Wonderful job!
What’s the Verdict?
Your poem sparkled!
Each of your verses sparkled, because after you identified the books of the bible, you offered the reader an inspiring breather from reciting the repetitive names. This tactic is very helpful as one could actually memorize the books of the bible while making a confession of their faith in the process:
Tips to Top It
I have a few spelling suggestions that will help you improve upon this poem.
”Exodos” should be “Exodus”
“lamentations” should be “Lamentations”
In the line after Habakkuk, Zephaniah and Haggai – “your” should be “you’re”
In the line after Acts, Romans, etc. – insert a comma after “soon”
“Collossians” should be “Colossians”
“Awesome” should be “awesome”
“spirit” should be “Spirit”
“Un-ashamed” should be “unashamed”
In the line of 1st and 2nd Peter, etc. – insert comma between 1st and 2nd (John)
What’s Next?
Thanks for submitting your poem for review. As a reminder, this poem has been entered into Round Two of the Diamond in the Rough Poetry Contest for the chance to win a unique sig inspired by the winning poem and some GPs. To increase your chances of winning, you must review your own poem and take ownership of revisions either inspired by my review or based on some changes of your own. Let me know your changes and I will review your poem again (and possibly re-rate if applicable) prior to the end of Round Two on May 15, 2007.
I really love this poem. Truly it is a diamond, in my eyes.
What’s the Verdict?
Your poem is bursting with diamonds!
This poem appears to be based upon the story of the man at the pool of Bethesda
waiting for the troubling of the water. I enjoyed your take on it.
Tips to Top It
I saw only a few things that I’d like to bring to your attention to help you improve your writing:
”For now his heart, it has a view” Suggestion would be to remove <,it> so it reads a little smoother.
There is a similar phrase you used in (verse 2, line 2) and (verse 4, line 3) that I’d like for you to review closer:
V2-L2”Inside this pool of different part”
V4-L3”Inside the pool of different parts”
Does V2-L2 read better to you with an “a” inserted before “different?”
Or do you think it would be better if these lines read the same. If so, I think the impact would be great, because although these are exact lines, they have very different meanings.
Take another look at this and let me know what you come up with.
What’s next?
Thanks for submitting your poem for review. As a reminder, this poem has been entered into Round Two of the Diamond in the Rough Poetry Contest for the chance to win a unique sig inspired by the winning poem and some GPs. To increase your chances of winning, you must review your own poem and take ownership of revisions either inspired by my review or based on some changes of your own. Let me know your changes and I will review your poem again (and possibly re-rate if applicable) prior to the end of Round Two on May 15, 2007.
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to review your work!
As you may already know, this poem you have submitted to receive a "Invalid Item" has been automatically entered in our "Invalid Item" for an opportunity to win a uniquely created sig inspired by your poem and some GPs.
So let’s get started, I sincerely hope you appreciate my R&R point of view!
This poem is very moving and speaks to the hearts of active duty personnel and armed service veterans everywhere. After serving six years in the Marines many, many years ago I thank you for being able to capture the heart and emotion of the soldier who is the focus of your poem.
The verses that sparkled for me began with this line– It’s for them that I do cry; that is why a tear you spy – through the end of your poem, simply because it puts a realistic face on a war portrayed in the media from a one-sided viewpoint.
Tips to top it! I can appreciate your writing about this topic from the perspective you have chosen. I only have a few suggestions for improvement in the area of a few punctuation changes. Punctuation change: in the line Out to loot their precious oi,l - change to “oil,” Punctuation change: in the line Of stone heart,
a stony face”. – remove the lone apostrophe.
The objective of this review is to inspire you to write more pieces like this or reflect on some revisions of your own for this piece. Remember, if you choose to re-work this piece prior to April 1st, let me know so it can be re-evaluated for determining the winning submission. Good Luck! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to review your work!
As you may already know, this poem you have submitted to receive a "Invalid Item" has been automatically entered in our "Invalid Item" for an opportunity to win a uniquely created sig inspired by your poem and some GPs.
So let’s get started, I sincerely hope you appreciate my R&R point of view!
I like this poem as it has a very reminiscent feel to it. As a read, I can visualize looking out the window to young kinds playing hopscotch. At first I thought the woman was in a tall building looking down, but as I continued to read how she could smell the scent of nature’s essence, then I envisioned the window a bit closer to the playground area. Great job on the communicating the senses and visual in this piece!
What I really liked about this poem is how you have the woman to physically open the window in the beginning, watch the young children playing below, and then reminisces about her own youth as she proclaims to leave my window open in my heart always. The verse that sparkled was the one The open window holds the innocence of youth; laughter, joy, anticipation, excitement.
Tips to top it! You’ve done an excellent job in describing the woman’s surroundings and experiences. There is not much to add in and your punctuation and grammar appears to be on point.
The objective of this review is to inspire you to write more pieces like this or reflect on some revisions of your own for this piece. After April 1st, I will be re-evaluating all entries to determine the winning submission. Good Luck! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to review your work!
As you may already know, this poem (of the three) you have submitted to receive a "Invalid Item" has been selected to be automatically entered in our "Invalid Item" for an opportunity to win a uniquely created sig inspired by your poem and some GPs.
So let’s get started, I sincerely hope you appreciate my R&R point of view!
I too am a fan of the rhyme, meters, and syllables, which probably explains my love of puzzles!
I really like your poem "Grace" , because you managed to create a visual of nature and redemption all in one poem. Note: I’ve published a poem along a similar theme "Dwelling" in "Remembrances" anthology from the Summer 1994 Iliad Literacy Awards Program. Check it out when you have time.
Overall, the structure of your poem combined with the topic of “grace” which is more lenient and merciful makes this a GREAT read. I definitely enjoyed reading this poem because of the rhyme scheme. But what sparkled the most were the last six lines of your poem as you painted the picture of mankind’s descent, a love in spite of, and the anticipation of salvation. Excellent writing!
Tips to top it! This is an impressive piece written with much structure, yet not compromising on the content. Your punctuations were appropriate and I didn’t see anything that I could add to change this wonderfully crafted poem.
The objective of this review is to inspire you to write more pieces like this or reflect on some revisions of your own for this piece. After April 1st, I will be re-evaluating all entries to determine the winning submission. Good Luck! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to review your work!
As you may already know, this poem you have submitted to receive a "Invalid Item" has been automatically entered in our "Invalid Item" for an opportunity to win a uniquely created sig inspired by your poem and some GPs.
So let’s get started, I sincerely hope you appreciate my R&R point of view!
I just want you to know that I had goose-bumps after I read your poem and was slightly moved to tears because it so touched my heart!
I, too, remember my wedding day and the way you have described your emotions brings back those memories of fluttering hearts beating fast.
The verse that sparkled for me to cause those goose-bumps to flare up was: And while this may not impress you at any later times, now my life is born anew so brightly I hope it shines on this day I marry you. Great job capturing your emotion, also, I like the title choice.
Tips to top it! A great poem to speak on your wedding day … I’m wondering did you use this speech? Not much to improve with the exception of some spelling and punctuation corrections. L1: Add an end comma L2: Add an end period L3: Remove comma after And L4: Replace comma with period L5: Remove comma after know L9: Add a comma L10: Add a period L11: Remove comma after because L13: Change You to “Your”; remove comma after love L15: When reading this, I thought it reads better as
“Through all my courage, you see, that your love is all I need”
instead of “And all my courage, you see, that your love is all I need” L17: Change its to “it’s”; add comma L18: Change its to “it’s” L21:times should be “time” L23: Insert comma after brightly
The objective of this review is to inspire you to write more pieces like this or reflect on some revisions of your own for this piece. Remember, if you choose to re-work this piece prior to April 1st, let me know so it can be re-evaluated for determining the winning submission. Good Luck! I look forward to reading more of your work.
As promised, I have returned to honor your request in reviewing your poem. I also want to thank you for your participation in the Diamond in the Rough Poetry Contest and an opportunity to win a uniquely created sig inspired by your poem and some GPs.
I truly appreciate your patience through my temporary setback!
So let’s get started, I sincerely hope you appreciate my R&R point of view!
Prior to my own personal crisis that temporarily took me away from active WDC participation, I may have read this differently. Although I did not experience the death of a person, I experienced a death of some sorts as it relates to my stable living arrangements. Yes, I can now identify with this poem, yet I am glad to be alive to tell of my experience.
Verse 4 sparkled for me because of the personal connection I feel with this verse. I took my living arrangements for granted. Although we were not that happy, we were willing to stick it out until the end of the lease. Apparently it didn’t happen …
Tips to top it! You’ve done a great job with this piece. Your grammar, rhythm, and meter were on point. I saw no real major improvements needed with the exception of a few unnecessary commas (Verse 2, Lines 1 and 3).
The objective of this review is to inspire you to write more pieces like this or reflect on some revisions of your own for this piece. Remember, if you choose to re-work this piece before March 30, 2007, let me know so it can be re-evaluated for determining the winning submission. I look forward to reading more of your work. Visit "Invalid Item" for more information. Good Luck!
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to review your work!
As you may already know, this poem you have submitted to receive a "Invalid Item" has been automatically entered in our "Invalid Item" for an opportunity to win a uniquely created sig inspired by your poem and some GPs.
So let’s get started, I sincerely hope you appreciate my R&R point of view!
The layout is interesting.
Yet, because the eye naturally reads from left to right, I was thrown off when I had to start from the right to the left.
What I felt was interesting in this piece was how on the right side, you captured the imagery of a different side to the subject of the poem. However, on the left side, you seemed to reveal the true nature. The last verse combined everything and simply reiterated that no matter what you see on the surface, get to know the real person. That is what it seemed like you were implying.
The last verse had much sparkle. It was where reality met perception. You effectively brought together the girl with the stringy hair and downcast eyes to a place of peacefulness and dreams.
Tips to top it!
Try starting your format from left to right instead of right to left.
It may read better.
The objective of this review is to inspire you to write more pieces like this or reflect on some revisions of your own for this piece. Remember, if you choose to re-work this piece prior to March 15th, let me know so it can be re-evaluated for determining the winning submission. Good Luck! I look forward to reading more of your work.
My name is Chelle and I’ve had the pleasure to review the 9-poem saga "THE COMPLETE TIME SERIES" . Meg let me know that you are a writer as well. I am a fan of your family’s writings and look forward to reading more of your original work in the future.
I like the fact that you came in with a tribute to the saga that your brothers initiated. It seemed to serve as your belated introduction as part of the writing team. In anticipation, I can’t wait to see what you will help your brothers and mom come up with!
In my reviews, I commonly make reference to a "diamond in the rough" or lines or verse within a poem that stands out. You'd be glad to know that I've found several within your poem that I'd like to share.
As I read your poem, I did notice a poetic repetition through each verse. Verse 1 had Told was and Told by. In verse 2, there was To those and To bring. With verse 3, you incorporated We all twice. I think this added a unique flair to the poem. The lines that were selected as the diamond in the rough were the last two lines. This not only served as an introduction to who you are, but as a true mark of respect to your brothers and mother. Great job!
Overall, I think you did a great job in writing your poem. I have only a few suggestions to improve your grammar and punctuation. L1: Replace the “period” with a “comma.” L3: Capitalize braddock as it is a proper noun. L5: Remove the from before mother. L6: Remove the “period” L11: Remove the “comma” as it is not needed.
I appreciate the opportunity to critique your piece. It is my hope that my review inspired you write more pieces like this or reflect on some revisions of your own. If you choose to re-work this piece, I would love to read your edited version. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I saw your poem and thought I’d welcome you to writing.com and share with you a little of my R&R point of view.
This is a powerful poem full of inspiration and determination. I find that it is important for a young, impressionable child to have a positive role model in their life. It seems as though he is a tremendous blessing in your life.
In my reviews, I commonly make reference to a "diamond in the rough" or lines or verse within a poem that stands out. You'd be glad to know that I've found several within your poem that I'd like to share.
One of the things that I appreciate with your poem is the comparison between climbing up a ladder and the challenges of growing up in dysfunctional environments. You’ve earned a diamond in the rough with several of your verses. The last three of your verses really bring home the purpose behind Jacob’s Ladder. In verse 7, you acknowledge the protective zone within your home. Verse 8 deals with empowering Jacob with the tools necessary to survive. Yet with verse 9, although he isn’t fully grown up and has not left the nest, you are always there to make sure that he never gives up.
In this piece, you not only encourage Jacob to continue climbing for his parents’ sake, but you provide him with a safe, nurturing place to land, for his sake.
Great job writing this beautiful work of art!
Overall, this was a well-crafted poem with a lot of heart. The only thing I found were very minimal punctuation and spelling errors. Verse 5, L1: Replace period with a comma. Verse 5, L1: Replace comma with a period; add an apostrophe between n and t for “can’t”. Verse 6, L3: Add an apostrophe between t and s for “it’s”.
I appreciate the opportunity to critique your piece. It is my hope that my review inspired you write more pieces like this or reflect on some revisions of your own. If you choose to re-work this piece, I would love to read your edited version. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I’m glad you chose to stop by and join our growing family of writers.
I was drawn to read and review your poem just from the first glance at your title and first line. As I continued to read, I recognized there was more to your story. You did a wonderful job pulling the reader in.
In my reviews, I commonly make reference to a "diamond in the rough" or lines or verse within a poem that stands out. You'd be glad to know that I've found several within your poem that I'd like to share.
Although this is a short poem, several of your lines were found to be a diamond in the rough. I consider line 4 to be the anchor to your poem, yet when it is repeated at the end of she is the reason for her own broken heart, it gives the phrase a whole new meaning. I like this approach you’ve incorporated in your poem. Terrific writing!
Overall, your poem packed a lot of detail in very few words. I only had a few suggestions involving spelling and punctuation. L2: Replace comma with a period. L3: Capitalize now; replace have with “has a.” L4: Replace comma with a period. L5: Capitalize months. L6: Insert an apostrophe before the “s” in husbands. L7: Capitalize she. L8: Replace comma with a period. L9: Capitalize she.
I appreciate the opportunity to critique your piece. I hope you are inspired to create more diamonds like this as you continue to improve your craft. If you choose to re-work this piece, I would love to read your edited version. I look forward to reading more of your work.
As I read your first verse, I was drawn in to sit back and enjoy a love story … until I read the second verse. Very devious, I must say, yet I found it very intriguing. You added a twist to the poem and caused it to take on another shape.
I had to remember that you were right this about loving someone who only sees you as a friend. The way you began and ended your poem was great!
In my reviews, I commonly make reference to a "diamond in the rough" or lines or verse within a poem that stands out. You'd be glad to know that I've found several within your poem that I'd like to share.
I felt that verse one and two together make the diamond in the rough because of the contrast within each verse. This is especially obvious in the last line of verse one and the first line of verse two.
The last four lines complement verse one, bringing your entire poem full circle. Another diamond in the rough that added to this well-crafted poem. Great job!
Overall, the way you approached this topic was very clever and bright. Keep up the good work. The suggestions I have include grammatical and some rework ideas. Check for adding appropriate punctuation after several lines, to include periods
and a question mark. Verse 3, L2: Since you began the poem in present tense, it makes sense to
remain in that tense. Example: felt should be feel. Verse 3, L5: This statement baffles me. I’m not sure what it means. Verse 4, L1: Omit will, not necessary since you are still in present tense. Verse 4, L2: I like this line! Verse 4, L3:look should be “looking.” Verse 4, L4: Again, present tense felt vs. feel. Try something like “The pain I
feel as I sit next to you.” – not quite impressive, but you get the point. Verse 5, L1+2: This is a good line, yet it fails to connect with line 2. It seems
like it is missing something Verse 5, L3: Again, present tense felt vs. feel. Another way to put an interesting spin on your poem is to add the hint of
wonder. Example, you already have the framework in verse 5 so instead of I
could tell you … But you would not …, try something like “I could tell you … Would
you even … ?” This allows you to pull the reader in even further without giving
away the surprise at the end. See what you can come up with.
I really enjoyed reading your piece because you have so much potential throughout these verses. I hope you are inspired to create more diamonds like this as you continue to improve your craft. If you choose to re-work this piece, I would love to read your edited version. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Welcome to WDC! I came across your poem and felt the gripping nature within your poem. It must have been difficult to write this as I sensed a lot of emotion behind your words. I am hoping that releasing your thoughts on paper has allowed a healing process to begin.
The sequence of your “story” is evident between the lines. I truly give you credit for sharing this special poem.
In my reviews, I commonly make reference to a "diamond in the rough" or lines or verse within a poem that stands out. You'd be glad to know that I've found several within your poem that I'd like to share.
Immediately I was captivated by the first two lines, which I dub as a diamond in the rough. You describe fear, not as a constant feeling, but the type that comes and goes – even when you don’t want it to.
The last two lines were also considered a diamond in the rough as it gives the reader intimate insight into the damage that fear has brought into your life. You also seemed to be invoking a declaration that since you have now confronted the fear on paper … in reality, it should no longer have that uncontrollable control as described in your second line.
Although this may have been difficult to compose, the structure was straightforward and to the point. Great job! Some of the suggestions for improvement included a few minor grammatical corrections. L1: Remove “s” from souls. L3: Remove the capitalization from Self-destruct; willing should be “willingly.” L7: Seems as though “when” is missing from between even and all L15: The analogy between light and bleeding wound I don’t get. The analogies
you’ve used in previous lines make a connection. Try re-working this to focus on an
analogy that represents one or the other. L19: Remove extra space between trust and the.
I appreciate the opportunity to critique your piece. I hope you are inspired to create more diamonds like this as you continue to improve your craft. If you choose to re-work this piece, I would love to read your edited version. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I’m here to share a little R&R. Hope you don’t mind.
What a powerful, stirring poem. It is obvious that this man means so much to you.
Your expression of love conquering all is very evident in this piece. It is always refreshing to know when someone has experienced a happy ending that evolves into a new beginning.
In my reviews, I commonly make reference to a "diamond in the rough" or lines or verse within a poem that stands out.
It is very rare that I find complete poems that are rated in its entirety as a diamond in the rough. You should be glad to know that this poem was one of them, because of the raw emotion that you displayed from being the unfortunate victim to a strong survivor. Excellent writing!
Overall, I thought you did a really great job developing the whole piece. In my opinion, true events spark the best creative content for any written piece. I have just a few suggestions to help you enhance your writing. I noticed that you capitalized some words to reference deity.
However, I wasn’t sure if the inconsistency was on purpose. For
example, in verse 17, you wrote: YOU have shown me what love is,
without limits or expectations. In your love, I’ve found myself I
am a new creation.” In reading this, it appears that your attributing
who has shown you love to God. Yet, in part B, it appears that you
have found yourself in Chuck’s love. Don’t forget to proofread for punctuation errors.
I appreciate the opportunity to critique your piece. I hope you are inspired to create more diamonds like this as you continue to improve your craft. If you choose to re-work this piece, I would love to read your edited version. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Under normal circumstances, reviewing poetry of a dark nature is not my specialty or preference. However, there was no disclaimer listed in my forum prior to your post, so I will honor your request and provide you with a review to the best of my knowledge. Although I do not consider myself an expert on love, I feel that I have searched for love throughout the majority of my life and have written many pieces on this topic while on this journey. I appreciate your willingness to allow me to review your work and I will do my best to hear what you have written through your words. I also accept the challenge to find a “diamond in the rough” within your work from the heart.
In your description, you indicated that this was inspired by AFI song “Summer Shudder.” Not knowing who AFI or Summer Shudder was I did a little research. Although I still didn’t really understand, I can tell you took the basic aspects of the song and truly made your poem your own.
I believe presentation is important, so I’m hoping that the suggestions I provide will help you modify your poem for a more to distinct delivery from an objective point of view.
After I read your poem, it seemed to me that you were expressing the hurt and pain that is experienced and agonized over from a love gone badly. When this person enters your life, you think they will react the same way as the others have before, but all of that changes when they touch you and all the pain of yesteryear is gone and you are filled with something new and refreshing.
Diamond in the rough You definitely have a diamond in the rough in this one! Check out L26 – L29. I selected these lines as diamonds simply because of how they sum up your deliberate descriptions in the body of your poem. What I can appreciate about these lines is how they embody the emotion of finding that true love to take away all the hurt and pain.
Great job on this piece!
Tips to top it L1: Add period L2: Remove And; remove the comma; try moving and wither down to L3 for a more dramatic effect L3: Insert paragraph space L4: Replace semi-colon with a period L5: For consistency, replace hung with “hangs” L6: Insert a comma after Alone L7: Add a period after nauseating L10: Maybe replace your comma with “…” and insert a comma before and after “my love” L11: Omit the comma, as it is not needed L12: Replace comma with a “period” L14: For the second half of this phrase, try replacing you’ve torn me apart with another phrase using a synonym of “laughed or scoffed at, ridiculed, etc.” It will make sense for L15 L15:punchline is two words L16: Omit But look; and capitalize ripe; add a period after bough L17: For suggested affect, replace the end comma with an exclamation point. L18: Replace the end comma with a period L20: Omit the comma at the end, since you used the conjunction And in L21 to bring both lines together L22: Replace the comma with a period L23: Replace the comma with a period L24: Replace the comma with “and”; replace the semi-colon with a period L25: Between L24 and L25, try to use a different word for “all” (i.e., use it in one line and find a similar word for the other. L26: Remove And then, it takes away from the impact L27: Try reworking this to something like “Draining away the poison and venom…” L28: Since you’ve already had this person touch your cheek, maybe have them touch your “lips” or something other than the cheek L29: Have fun with this last line, because you want to leave the reader with a good reason to breathe a sigh of relief. You can bring this full circle with your first line and maybe instead of fill me, you can possibly suggest a cooling effect.
Opiache, you have helped me overcome a slight hesitation in reviewing works of this genre. So it is my hope that I have helped you improve and make your piece better. I would like to have the opportunity to read your edited version if you choose to consider my suggestions or if this has inspired you to reflect on some revisions of your own.
It’s me again, Chelle! Hope you are ready for another R&R Point of View!
I liked the overall poetic presentation of this epic saga told between three individuals. This is truly a great achievement taken on by each of you. Great job!
Diamond in the rough Once again, I found another “diamond in the rough.” This time in Stanza 3, your description of a family’s love is very important which appears to be the bond that is implied throughout this nine-poem saga. Excellent job!
Tips to top it
I must say that there was not much to modify with exception of a few periods and commas here and there.
Geno, this has been a very good saga and I enjoyed your writing gifts very much. I hope you could do something similar to this in the future. I would love to read it. I’m now off to review "Invalid Item" ….
I’m back! I just finished reading and reviewing the 1st four poems in your saga. I am truly enjoying this!
Hope you are ready for another one of my R&R Point of Views!
Overall, I like the mysterious overtone in poem #5. Your character once again deciphered the cryptic message of the younger sibling.
Diamond in the rough In Stanza #1, you credit your younger brother’s passion behind his rhyming ability, similar to the way one would if physically dueling with swords. I truly enjoyed your interaction and this is why I selected this stanza as the “diamond in the rough”.
Tips to top it Not much needed to top this poem except maybe a comma at the end of line five. Fantastic job!
Thanks again for this great read! I’m now off to review "Invalid Item" ….
I’m back! I just finished reading and reviewing the 1st three poems in your saga. This has been enjoyable so far, and of course, I found several diamonds in the rough! Awesome job!
Hope you are ready for another one of my R&R Point of Views!
I like your approach with poem #4 and how you’ve made it more challenging. It seems like you’ve now upped the ante for Geno, and gave him a whole lot of cryptic messages on where, how and when he can obtain the timepiece. This is my guess. I thought you did a super job with this one!
Diamond in the rough I selected stanza #4 as the diamond in the rough, because this appears to be the verse that provides mysterious clues that unlocks the key to where and how he should return the timepiece.
Tips to top it Not much needed to top this poem except maybe a comma at the end of line five. Fantastic job!
I’m Chelle and just got finished reviewing "A MEMORY IN TIME." . As I shared with Braddock, I thought it would be fun to do a review on each of the nine poems included in your saga. When I do a review, I usually look for what I consider to be “diamonds in the rough” or simply lines of poetry that make a statement. Your contribution to the saga is very well written and distinct! I think you did an exceptional job!
I hope you don’t mind my R&R Point of View, so here we go!
Overall, as number two of the 9-poem saga, I like how you added your persona to the story. There is something about each of stanzas that directs the reader deeper into the story, wanting so much to know about this inanimate object. I assume that the gold and silver token Haddock referred to in "A MEMORY IN TIME." is your grandfather’s watch, which brings me to my selection of the diamond in the rough.
Diamond in the rough I selected Stanza 5 as the diamond in the rough, because I like how you brought to life the references presented in poem #1 and hinted the familial relationship between the two.
Tips to top it
Although I only noticed a few missing punctuations, such as a period and comma at the end of several lines, here are some suggestions you may want to consider: L9: Join motion and less to become one word; end with a comma, L13: To flow with the remaining lines, I felt that replacing but with “for” seemed more appropriate with what you are conveying here. L20:Grandad should be spelled “Granddad”; end with a period.
Thank you for allowing me to critique your work. It has been a pleasure and I’m excited to find out what happens next. I’m off to review "Invalid Item" ...
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Thank you for giving me an opportunity to review your work! 
Tips to top it! I can appreciate your writing about this topic from the perspective you have chosen. I only have a few suggestions for improvement in the area of a few punctuation changes.
Although I did not experience the death of a person, I experienced a death of some sorts as it relates to my stable living arrangements. Yes, I can now identify with this poem, yet I am glad to be alive to tell of my experience.
Tips to top it! 
Yet, because the eye naturally reads from left to right, I was thrown off when I had to start from the right to the left. 
Verse 3, L5: This statement baffles me. I’m not sure what it means.
Diamond in the rough 
You definitely have a diamond in the rough in this one! Check out L26 – L29. I selected these lines as diamonds simply because of how they sum up your deliberate descriptions in the body of your poem. What I can appreciate about these lines is how they embody the emotion of finding that true love to take away all the hurt and pain.