Charlie ~'s (charlieabney) Reviews

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I Wish I Could Fly

I wrote this for the Pond Poetry picture of a flower blooming through a cement crack.

When The Memories Call

For all grieving parents and anyone else who has lost a loved one.

Noticing Newbies

A warm welcome to our newbies; come meet new and not-so-new members of Writing.Com!

READ A NEWBIE

Tyler

Two friends find themselves amidst a mass shooting at the railway station in Chicago.

The Continental Giants

In a world where every continent has a giant boy, we explore their journey

Untitled

First entry on here. Let me know what you think there is more to come!

The Christmas Star Still Shines

A friend inspired this the Sunday prior to Christmas

BY ONLINE AUTHORS

Drakes Return

Writer's Cramp - if only they had podcasts

Prodigal 2424

Two astronauts visit their old home.

FIRE GHOSTS OF REAPER ROAD

Kids playing in a cemetery accidentally unleash the fire ghost.

The Old Man Next Door

Otis reports a complaint

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Charlie ~

Review Requests: OFF

1,205 Public Reviews Given

1,211 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I'm honest and fair. Every piece of writing will have positives and negatives. If you request a review from me, you will get a balanced critique. If you're expecting a 5-star pat on the back, choose another reviewer.

I'm good at...

Looking at the big picture. I'll typically read a piece at least a couple times during the reviewing process. My main goal is to improve the overall quality of the writing by finding the things that need work.

Favorite Genres

Horror, Dark, Emotional, Drama, LGBT, Psychology, Thriller, Historical

Favorite Item Types

Poetry and short stories are my favorite to write and review.

I will not review...

Long chapters, novels, or novellas.

Public Reviews

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Only reviews from the past
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#4686066

Review of i dont like

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

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Heya LorettaL

! I'm Charlie ~

and I'm happy to be reviewing "i dont like"

for you today.

Subject & Theme: Kind of a mournful vibe like the relationship is definitely over after a long time. I can dig it. It sounds like past attempts at a clean break have failed, but the narrator is totally done this time.

Pace & Rhythm: Agree with your assessment in the item description, this is giving more song than poem with the repeated stanzas. I can almost hear that being sung as a chorus. The rhymes are okay; they could use some wordsmithing in future edits. Some lines have an extra beat or are missing a beat so it throws the flow a bit.

Like the first stanza, for example, line 2 is 7 syllables and rhymes with line 4 which is 4 syllables. If those were more aligned the rhythm would be smoother.

Emotion & Impact: I feel for the narrator. It seems like they've given their partner many chances but things just haven't improved. They're over trying to shrink their feelings for the benefit of someone who doesn't care about theirs.

Creativity & Originality: Not the most original concept or language choices, for sure. It would be cool to see the poem dressed up with some more imagery or dramatic language.

Final Thoughts: I think you captured the demise of a relationship well. Future renditions of the poem could be improved upon by some editing of language choices and poetic devices. Thanks for sharing your work!

Best,
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#4569789

Review of Childhood

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (3.0)

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Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

Hello Pure

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Childhood "

by Pure

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: It's super important in difficult times to be able to reminisce on the past and remember the good times. I have a thing where I think about better times, keeping in mind that if I had those good times before, I can have them again in the future. It seems like a healthy enough grounding technique for me.

I like to think that you're talking about something similar in your poem- metaphorically traveling back in time to nowhere and experiencing those good times again. I thought the imagery throughout was very bright and optimistic.

Suggestions: This poem falls into a trap that I often see with rhymed poetry where there words seem to be built around the need to rhyme rather than the most poetic word choices themselves. It especially hits toward the end of the poem with high/fly/by, be/sea/tree/free/be, etc.

It's not in rhythm with the rest of the poem and seems to lean heavily on just making sure it can rhyme as much as possible.

I also don't think the closing lines are strong as they could be:
Where dreams become true
Where moon light went through

"Went" is pretty weak verb. Maybe something like "shone" would be a bit stronger. Moonlight should just be one word.

Conclusion: Overall, I like the concept of this poem more than I enjoyed the execution of it. I think the nostalgia of focusing on the past can be inspirational, just make sure you don't get lost in trying to rhyme. If you choose to edit, check out the rhythm and where it goes off the rails a bit toward the end. Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your writing with us. Let me know if you need anything.

Best,

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#4569785

Review of The wondrous night

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (2.0)

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Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

Hello Amber

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "The wondrous night"

by Amber

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: I love the way you write about being in nature at night. It reminds me of being outside as a kid and enjoying the expanse of midnight sky overhead. I do think there are healing powers in nature, especially when we just need to be alone to think or escape everything else going on in life or the world. I think you captured those healing aspects of being alone in nature in this poem. It definitely feels like you can just walk away and start over fresh when you're in nature sometimes.

Suggestions: Here are a few things to look into if you choose to edit this poem:

i gaze into the night
You have a few different spots throughout the poem where you're not consistent in capitalization or grammar. I'm all for stylistic choices in poetry, but they need to be consistent throughout. If you want to add punctuation and capitalization, or leave it out altogether, that needs to be reflected throughout the poem.

Time has no meaning, the clock has stopped ticking
beauty around me
but i am alone
The reason I pull these lines out is because they're a good representation of the line break issues in this poem. You have some lines that are really long, some that are really short. That can be a great thing when it's used to make an impactful statement. Unfortunately, that's not really what I'm seeing in this poem. It seems like the line breaks are just random, some long and some short, with no underlying purpose or thought behind them. That disrupts the flow of even a free verse poem.

Other than that, I've noticed that the poem is a bit repetitive:
but i am alone
no one there but me
Have nothing and no one
for i am alone
i am free i am alone
nothing no one but me
This is way too many times and ways to say that you're alone in such a short poem.

The reader understands from the first mention that you're alone. If you wanted to emphasize it, you could do so through imagery without directly telling the reader again that you're alone.

Conclusion: Overall, I like the thought behind the poem and your passion for nature. I do think the poem needs to be edited quite a bit to reach its full potential. Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your writing with us. Let me know if you need anything.

Best,

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#4569784

Review of A love AS deep as the ocean

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (3.0)

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Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

Hello Jamaican Queen

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "A love AS deep as the ocean"

by Jamaican Queen

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: I think it's really sweeet that you've experienced a love so deep and unconditional that you chose to write a poem about it. I really liked the imagery in the opening lines because it reminded me of the ocean with the still, deep waters but wind blowing on the surface and soaring like a bird. The imagery worked really well for me there.

Suggestions: Here are some things to think about if you choose to edit:

A love so deep like the ocean
Stood still
As the wind blows
I think the first line would be better written as "A love AS deep as the ocean" because it sounds more in line with the way someone would naturally speak. In addition to that, there is a verb tense change between stood (past tense) and blows (present tense). I'd choose one or the other there.

As the poem goes on, you lose your imagery and metaphors. In the beginning, you were building a strong story around metaphors of ocean and ocean-like things. Toward the middle and end of the story, you're no longer building that story or using any imagery at all, so it makes the beginning seem out of place and disconnected from the end.

One of the most difficult parts of romantic poetry is trying to have impactful, unique ideas. Toward the end of the poem, it started getting a little bit cliched. It's just a little too simple and straightforward, I think. "I love you, you love me" sounds like that Knick Knack Paddy Whack child's rhyme.

Conclusion: Overall, I think the thought and emotion behind this poem is really sweet. I think you could enhance the poetic devices used to continue the imagery from the beginning of the poem into the end, and I think doing that will create a more unique, lasting impression for the poem. Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your writing with us. Let me know if you need anything.

Best,

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#4569772

Review of ALEX MAKES A NEW FRIEND

Review by Charlie ~

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Rated: E

| (3.5)

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Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

Hello Tema

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "ALEX MAKES A NEW FRIEND"

by Tema

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: This is a cute short story snippet into Alex's life. I felt scared for her and Fuzzy when Mark came around, knowing that he might hurt her little friend if he found it. My favorite part of the story was Alex telling Fuzzy not to move so she could count its legs. I thought that was age appropriate for a 4 year old and added to the innocence of her character.

Of course the climax of the story is Alex being quick enough to hide Fuzzy in her hat and then take it to the far edge of the park so it can safely escape. It had to end on a positive note, being a kids story and all!

Suggestions: I think there are a couple things to consider in this story:

The parts that are in parentheses are not needed and almost break a fourth wall. (which is pretty hard for a 4 year old) is good info to have on the character, but putting it in parentheses makes it almost look like an author note rather than part of the story.

The "A-l-e-x" part followed by the "O-o-o-h" part is weird. The first one makes it look like he's spelling out her name. The second one makes it look like she's stuttering. If you want to have him call her name in a sing-song voice, I'd do "Aleeeeeexxx" or something like that to indicate that he's stretching her name out in that way. I don't think him spelling her name out makes much sense.

For most of the story, you did a good job of showing rather than telling, except when it comes to the characterization of Mark. I think his character might be built a lot more naturally if you don't tell the reader what to think about Mark. You don't need to say that he's a bully before we even meet him. Let Alex's trepidation and response to him lead the readers to that conclusion on their own.

Conclusion: Overall, I thought this story was cute and interesting. A lot of kids with older siblings would likely relate. There are a couple grammatical/stylistic choices that might need an edit, and I think it's important to trust your readers to draw accurate conclusions without directly telling them what to conclude. Either way, welcome back to the site and thanks for sharing with us. Let me know if you need anything.

Best,

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#4569764

Review of Stroke is an Intruder

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

Hello Noreen Snyder

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Stroke is an Intruder"

by Noreen Snyder

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: I'm sorry to hear what you and your husband have been through. That's really rough and unexpected I'm sure. I'm happy that you ended the poem on a strong note, saying that you're going to rise up even bigger than before. I think that's the appropriate attitude to have when dealing with insidious health crises.

I really like the title of your poem. I think it will draw readers in and provides a strong hook at the beginning of the poem.

Suggestions: I'm wondering if you could do more with poetic devices in this poem. The emotional impact is there, but the word choices are very straight forward and lack some of the poetic appeal that might help it reach its full potential. I use Wiki's list

of poetic devices, especially under the "meaning" section to make sure I'm using imagery, symbolism, metaphors, analogies, etc.

I think it will enhance your poetry writing a lot.

Conclusion: Overall, I definitely feel for your situation. You've done a good job of creating an emotional impact here. I think the next step is editing for word choice and adding some new poetic devices to heighten your poetry. Welcome to the site. Thanks for sharing your writing with us. Let me know if you need anything.

Best,

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#4569535

Review of “Look Away”

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

Hello Bpathos

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, " “Look Away”"

by Bpathos

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: Yes, go off! Love it. Not to get all political, but one of the funniest things to me is people who claim that they don't want the government or any other entity "up in their business" but they fill out facebook surveys that are essentially your failed password security questions i.e. what's your favorite color, mother's maiden name, town you grew up in.

I'm like, yes, I can see you take your privacy VERY seriously.

You had some stellar lines in here too. alexiacon vocals it's super cool. I'd change it to alexacon vocals just for clarity's sake. I like all the sarcasm in this poem. It's nice.

Suggestions: Other than the suggestion I made above, the fifth stanza doesn't flow as well as the rest. It's the syllable count or something. There's an extra beat or a missing beat somewhere there. The last stanza isn't as strong as the opening stanzas. The idea of being controlled like a chess piece is played out and doesn't have the sting of lines like You turned you in. I think a stronger close would be where I'd focus in editing.

Conclusion: Overall, love the concept. I think it's something a lot of people need to hear and realize. Several of the lines are heavy hitters. The final stanza is weak by comparison. Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your writing with us. Hit me up if you need anything.

Best,

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#4569528

Review of Good Fortune

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

Hello BrieHart

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Good Fortune"

by BrieHart

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: Aw man, that's a bummer. I've been there, probably on both sides, and it's never fun to get your hopes up about all the potential someone could hold in your life that just doesn't pan out. Then you start comparing yourself to the other person and have that whole downward spiral.

I feel it. I think you did a good job of conveying the situation and how you feel about it. I think a lot of people can relate to the situation and having to be selfless enough to allow someone to be 'free' to live their life the way they want to live it.

Suggestions: Should be "a different tune" rather than "a different toon" in the sixth paragraph.

Other than that, I think you could make more out of this short story. As it stands, you're telling the situation with a lot of heart and I dig that, but I think you could enhance the story by bringing the 'characters' to life and showing us the situation rather than telling it. Otherwise, you could create this into more of a personal essay rather than a short story. There's an option for that within the item.

Conclusion: Overall, I thought this was an interesting read. It's pretty well-written and clear what's happening in the situation. The next step is to elevate it using those emotions to build the characters.

Best,

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#4569189

Review of Summer Storm

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Hello tj in a winter wonderland

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Invalid Item"

by A Guest Visitor , for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: After reading this poem, I checked the weather report hoping for storms. Tomorrow maybe!

I love watching a storm roll in. I love the way the scent of the air changes and everything. I think you did a good job of capturing that electric excitement of a summer storm in your poem. And who doesn't sleep great when it's raining?

I really enjoyed how this poem had a beginning, middle, and end. It wrapped up so nicely. My favorite part was the second stanza. Those first ominous signs of a storm incoming were well-written. I also like the imagery and word choice behind this line: no clouds to challenge sunshine. I've definitely seen those days.

Suggestions: I think the flow of the poem is pretty smooth throughout, but there are a couple spots where the rhythm is off to me when I read the poem. Not sure if there's an extra syllable in those lines or if it's just the word choice that throws me off. For example, I hasten to the house for shelter doesn't flow as well for me in that stanza as the other lines do.

Conclusion: Overall, I think your poem achieves its purpose. As a fellow storm lover, I can see the imagery of this and I understand the enjoyment of watching a summer storm. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Best,

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#4569153

Review of The Cat Was Unhappy

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hello Winchester Jones

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "The Cat Was Unhappy"

by Winchester Jones

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: Well that ending was unexpected! I was about to say you've been spying on my cat, but never mind!

I like the bait and switch of this story. Everyone who has ever had a cat knows that they're just about the most dramatic creatures possible at 3 in the morning when their food bowl is empty. One of mine practically walks around the house screaming as soon as her food bowl is "half empty" in her pessimistic eyes.

Dogs are so strange. Yep, confirmed cat.

Suggestions: I don't know if the comedy genre is the right one for this story. Maybe comedy and something else, like mystery or horror?

This part of the story confused me as I read it: The cat went into the den. The food was there. The dog didn’t eat it. The cat has been walking around loudly complaining about there being no food. Maybe changing it to "The dog's food was there" would clarify why the cat considered the mom food when it saw her but was still walking around the house complaining about there being no food. Just a thought!

Conclusion: Overall, I thought this was a nice story with a little twist. I doubt many see the ending coming. Thanks for sharing your writing with us!

Best,

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#4567698

Review of Living in a Dream

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Hello Vanishing Vapor

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Living in a Dream"

by Vanishing Vapor

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: Such a haunting poem. I'm definitely a fan. I loved the repetition of "I'll keep living in a dream" at the end of each stanza. Not only is the poem about living in a dream, but the words you chose give the poem a dreamlike energy that exudes from first line to last.

My favorite part of the poem was at the end of the first stanza:
Impossible, it would seem,
So poetically,
I'll keep living in a dream.

I think those lines proved to be a great hook for the rest of the poem, but they're also an excellent summary of the point you're making here.

Suggestions: For the first half of the poem, I think the flow and rhythm work very well. The third stanza is a little out of whack for me with some longer lines that have a lot of syllables and throw off the rhythm a little. The writing there is overall weaker too, for example, they'll know my specialness rocks isn't on par with the earlier lines in the poem.

Conclusion: Overall, I do think some parts of the poem are stronger than others. The third stanza is particularly weak, but you got back some of your strength with the last few lines of the poem. If you ever do decide to edit, I'd target the third stanza. Thanks for sharing your writing with us!

Best,

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#4567682

Review of Never ever again

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

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Hello Happy to write

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Never ever again"

by Happy to write

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: I can't even imagine trying to do door-to-door sales during a pandemic.

I imagine a lot of people would get angry if someone came up to their house because they're trying to keep distance from people in the first place. I definitely wouldn't be answering the door for anyone right now.

I'd be hoping to get fired too! Hmm, now to think of ways to get fired without breaking a contract.

I actually keep my mask in my car because I don't want to forget it when I leave the house. Otherwise I just stay inside, so I wouldn't be able to put a mask on anyway even if someone did come to my door and I elected to answer it!

Suggestions: I think the "never ever again" bit is a little overdone. I totally get the repetition of it and how determined the narrator is to never sign another sales contract of this type, but I had trouble reading with the same 3 words being every other line. I ended up just skipping over those lines after a few times reading them. I'd suggest trimming that down because you'll get the point across just as well with having quatrains that all end with the line "never ever again" in my opinion.

Conclusion: Overall, I definitely feel for you if you're having to try to sell people things door to door. That probably wouldn't be the most fun for me even if there wasn't a pandemic, but under current conditions? No way! Best of luck to you and thanks for sharing your writing.

Best,

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#4567647

Review of Life’s Moments

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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Hello TheBusmanPoet

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Life’s Moments"

by TheBusmanPoet

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: I read your poem because the description reminded me a bit of stoicism. Being aware of things, but not dwelling on them. I think it's easy to fall into the habit of focusing on the past or the future while forgetting to enjoy or acknowledge the present.

Your poem flowed well and preached of some important lessons. We aren't promised more time to make things right, and because of that we have to stay present of mind and heart.

Suggestions: The entire first stanza was a bit of a cliche to me. Those opening lines about living life's moments as if they were your last are very true, but they're not impactful because they've been said, in that exact way, so many times. The poem picks up pace with the second and third stanza, but the final stanza is a bit weak again, seeming to rely heavily on the need to rhyme 'be' with 'thee' so that it will flow well.

In an edit, I would focus on reconstructing the first stanza with a strong, unique hook that will motivate the reader to keep going. Then I would focus on reworking the final stanza in a way that leaves a lasting impression on the reader.

Conclusion: Overall, I think the lessons you're speaking about here are important for each person to learn. I think the middle stanzas were more creative and stronger than the first and final stanzas. Thanks for sharing your writing with us!

Best,

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#4567588

Review of A Hole In Reality

Review by Charlie ~

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Hello Paul

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "A Hole In Reality"

by Paul

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: This was definitely a sad one! I felt so bad for Stephen not having anyone to be with him at the end of his life, but I'm happy he has Ian now to spend time with him.

These dialogue-only stories are a lot more difficult than they seem like they'd be at first glance. I've read several of them for the contest and it can be really difficult for the reader to decipher who is saying which lines. You created a unique voice for both Ian and Stephen, which helped a lot. I didn't get mixed up on who was talking at all and I was able to follow along easily.

Suggestions: This story is definitely a 2020 story. Why does Stephen think he'll die just because he has the virus? Wouldn't he be in the hospital if he was near death from it?

Just some thoughts I had while reading.

Other than that, the only issue I noticed was that there are a lot of run-on sentences in your story. Example:

We can talk more later. It was great talking to you, gotta go, have a doctors appointment, how about meeting here tomorrow?

Should be, It was great talking to you, gotta go. Have a doctor's appointment. How about meeting here tomorrow?

These are noticeable throughout, so I'd check that first if you do an edit at any point.

Conclusion: Overall, I felt for Stephen feeling invisible in his old age without his wife by his side. I can't imagine how difficult that must be to live your whole life with someone and then have to live out the remainder of your years alone.

I'm happy he found an inspirational friend in Ian. Thanks for sharing your writing with us!

Best,

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#4567571

Review of A Word To The Herd

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Request a review from me: Click here!

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Hello ♥HOOves♥

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "A Word To The Herd"

by ♥HOOves♥

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: Everyone should read this every 6 months at least.

You've put a lot of effort into coming up with some basic WDC etiquette that all of us have probably forgotten from time to time! I know I've found myself doing the wrong thing here and there, try as I might to always be (quickly) grateful for things (and express it)!

Another thing you've pointed out here that I've struggled with is overextending myself, especially when in the middle of school finals or a really busy period at work. I love what you said about underpromising and overdelivering. I've learned the hard way that I can't commit to doing an obscene amount of things, no matter how badly I want to be everywhere at once participating/reviewing.

This serves as a good reminder that we can all do better and, above all, be kind!

Suggestions: It may be an outburst, but it's an outburst well had! I know I've been hurt a couple times when someone doesn't follow through on their commitments or doesn't acknowledge a review that I've put a ton of time and effort into. I try not to take those things personally because I know how life is and how time can get away from you. I'm happy you keep this here to update from time to time, and I hope others will read it and take it to heart as well.

Conclusion: Always good to read you, hoovsie! Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom with us.

Best,

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#4567547

Review of Obscure Somberness

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Request a review from me: Click here!

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Hello Anna Marie Carlson

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Obscure Somberness"

by Anna Marie Carlson

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: Thanks for sharing your story with us, Anna Marie. It sounds like you've endured a lot and come a very long way. I know what it's like to feel invisible and the awkwardness of those moments where a whole conversation is happening in front of you, without you. It definitely makes you feel like you're not there and you start to question whether you even truly exist.

I hope you're able to find the video you're looking for that you participated in. It might have been made by NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness. Here's their site

. If I come across the video, I'll let you know.

We also have a mental health forum here on WDC if you ever want to come vent or talk. You can find it here: "Invalid Item"

Suggestions: I think it might be cool to do some font formatting in this piece. For example, using bold or italics could create a large emphasis and impact in certain places.

For example, Obscure (not clearly expressed nor easily understood)

draws more attention to the word and its definition. You've used this style of naming and defining a word throughout the beginning of the item, so it might be a cool way to add emphasis.

Conclusion: Overall, this is clearly written from the heart and I just want you to know that at least one person did see it and read it. You're definitely not invisible.

Keep on keeping on and thanks for sharing your writing with us.

Best,

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#4567516

Review of Joy for the Toys

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

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Hello THANKFUL SONALI Love my family

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Joy for the Toys"

by THANKFUL SONALI Love my family

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: This is the first birthday-related item I've gotten my hands on for review. Thanks for making it a good one!

I love the song lyrics at the end and the relationship between Sarah's parents. I thought it was realistic that the dad looked at the mom before quickly agreeing that it was too dangerous.

He knows how to not get in trouble!

Suggestions: Here are a few things I noticed while reading that gave me pause:

the ten-year-olds didn't even have a compulsory nap time
I've never met a young child that knows the meaning of the word compulsory. At most they might use the word mandatory or required.

held in place by some dough.it looked just like a campfire,
Just a typo here. ...by some dough. It looked just like...

Sarah's Dad was famished after a hard day at the office
I don't think dad would be capitalized here as it's not used as a proper noun in this context.

Conclusion: Overall, this was a cute and sweet story of a loving family. I was happy that Sarah got what she wanted in the end and that it was a moment shared by the family. Thanks for sharing your writing! Good luck in the contest.

Best,

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#4562035

Review of Jasmine

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Request a review from me: Click here!

Happy WDC Account Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers"

Hello Humming Bird

,

Happy WDC Anniversary month! I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Jasmine"

by Humming Bird

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: I chose to read this story because I liked the description you chose: Climbing up the mountain of constraints. You did a good job of showing instead of telling in this story. I could get a sense for the daily bullying Jasmine was contending with due to her injury. I wanted her to get a resolution for the way she was being treated by her classmates. I know kids can be cruel, especially when they notice differences in their peers. I liked that Jasmine's teacher recognized her dedication to the classroom and her ending words to Jasmine were supportive and thoughtful.

Suggestions: Just a couple quick English suggestions to make the story more clear:

Three years back, on her way back from school, a large car had bumped with Jasmine’s rickshaw.
This would make more sense as: a large car had crashed into Jasmine's rickshaw.

Doctors could save her life
Doctors saved her life

Other than that, I would like to see the other kids in the story learn a lesson too. It's important for Jasmine to know that she's important and valuable, but I feel like with the way the story ends, the other kids didn't learn anything and their behavior won't change. Maybe just adding an extra line about what the teacher does to help the other kids understand that their actions are cruel or unacceptable would help the story's resolution.

Conclusion: Overall, I think you did a good job of telling Jasmine's story and letting the reader feel her emotions. Great job!

Best,

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#4562012

Review of Broken Bond

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

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Happy WDC Account Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers"

Hello Bernie

,

Happy WDC Anniversary month! I'm Charlie ~ and I've selected your item, "Broken Bond"

by Bernie

, for reviewing today. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: Well, you wrote this poem 17 years ago so this is a bit of a throwback review.

I think it's good when we can go back and look at our old work and see how much we've improved. I've considered rewriting some of my stuff from when I first joined the site because I'm positive I could improve them given my current hindsight.

I can tell that a lot of raw emotion went into this poem. It seeps of a feeling of unexpected betrayal and I can't imagine what could've happened to the friendship you're describing here. I think the first few lines are a good hook "thick as steel/this bond we made" shows the narrator's perspective of the friendship, followed by admissions that the perspective had been so wrong. I like the callback to the bond in the second-to-last stanza, "When I felt the bond break/I thought the whole world fell."

Suggestions: While I like that callback from the first to fourth stanza, I don't dig the repetition of the last two lines in the first two lines of the following stanza which is seen throughout the poem. What I mean by that for example is:
I was wrong/as I am so many times and then the following stanza I never thought I'd be wrong

The poem is also pretty straightforward and I think it could use a few more poetic devices, some imagery or metaphors might liven it up and make it have a more lasting effect.

Conclusion: I know this is an old poem, but it might be interesting to revisit sometime and see what you would write 17 years later in a similar situation. If you're anything like me, you might not even remember writing this, but thanks for the chance to review anyway!

Best,

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#4557487

Review of Fractured Truth -- Fake World

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Request a review from me: Click here!

Happy WDC Account Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

Hello Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ 2025

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I'm reviewing your item, "Fractured Truth -- Fake World"

by Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ 2025

, as part of "Invalid Item"

. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: I think a lot of us feel helpless in current times. You wrote this back in October and I think it rings truer now than ever before. In fact, I think a rewrite on the topic now would be cool, just to see if anything going on has triggered even more passion and vigor in your words.

There are so many times when I wish I could help someone or a situation and there's just nothing you can do. You can donate your time or money, but it seems that nothing on the grander scheme of things actually changes despite what we do. It's hard looking on from your "safe perch" knowing that you can't change people's hearts and minds, as you've eloquently written here.

My favorite lines were:
Always told how to follow
never shown how to lead

It's a clever play on following the leader. I might use the word "taught" instead of shown here. I just think it's a stronger demonstration of the point and I like the alliteration between the lines as well.

Suggestions: Kind of in line with what I mentioned above, I do think there could be some stronger word choices here and there throughout the poem. Those things you pick up with hindsight perspective when you go back and edit something years later with distance between you.

The final line of the poem is strong but I'm not sure that "pre" is needed in the programmed part. To program something, you sort of have to do it beforehand. "You are programmed to die" is more direct overall.

Conclusion: I enjoyed seeing your perspective on the song/video. I think you did a good job of raising strong points and saying something meaningful that so many people feel right now. I do think a quick edit could bring about some even stronger, more direct lines, but overall a great read.

Best,

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#4542059

Review of Office Drama

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers"

Hello Ray Scrivener

,

I'm Charlie ~ and I'm reviewing your item, "Office Drama"

by Ray Scrivener

, as part of "Invalid Item"

. The following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

First Impressions: Yikes! I know someone who is exactly like this. He's totally harmless and a good guy, but he notices and talks about *everything* endlessly. Where'd you get it? When did you get it? How much was it? Was it on sale?" I mean, seriously...

Such a sweet guy, but it's wild how irritating that can be after a while. I'm just like stop.talking.about.everything.

I also liked the ending of the story where the main character made things right after finding out the truth behind Harold. While he may be annoying, he's overall harmless so there's no real reason to go out of your way to make him lose his income.

My Favorite Part: My favorite part of the story was when the narrator realized that they'd done to Harold was out of proportion and undeserved. The main character learned a lesson that people are always going through things, so you can't judge them too harshly without knowing the underlying reasons for their behaviors. Harold was using work as an outlet, and was likely lonely which explains why he was talking so much. It's still annoying as a worker to have to sit across from because it's distracting, but it's still nothing to get revenge over.

I thought the dialogue and characters were well-written. I'd like to know a little more about the main character because it would help us connect to them more. Just a couple sentences of their background or the main character's name even will help reader's connect with the character.

Suggestions: I'd like to see more of Harold's antics. Like I said, I know someone who is eerily familiar to this character, but for readers who don't know anyone like this, it might be difficult to read in between the lines on why someone who talks a lot or mentions every single change that's made in the office can be grating. It might make readers confused about why the main character seeks vengeance over it.

As I mentioned previously, I think the main character could be fleshed out a little more. It's a short story so there doesn't need to be too much added. Just a few details will round the character out well.

Conclusion: This was an interesting, quick read. It has a clear conflict and resolution. The main character learns his lesson and isn't bitter in the end despite losing his job. Thanks for sharing your writing.

Best,

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#4521059

Review of the end that is.

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (1.5)

This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers"

Hello quiet web

,

My name is Charlie and I've selected your item, "the end that is."

by quiet web

, to review today. Please be aware that the following feedback is merely the opinion of a fellow writer/reader. Use what is useful to you and throw the rest away.

General Thoughts: This isn't reading as a full story yet, so I'm reviewing it as base story idea that could be expanded in the future. I'm guessing the bold words were a part of a writing prompt or contest? If so, it can help to make a note either in the item description or the item itself letting the reader know the specific contest and prompt for which the piece was written.

I'm assuming that Cloud & Night might be code names for the characters? They seem to be involved in some kind of underground crime scheme, so it would make sense for the them to have code names.

Favorite Part: It seems like there's an interesting backstory to be told between the characters here. They're ex-romantic partners and now they're partners in crime? Which occurred first, the crimes or the relationship? How did they get into this life of crime and what made them break up? Who is the old man who greets them? What is it that he knows about Cloud? I think there are some good story concepts hiding here. It's just a matter of fleshing those ideas out and writing that out in an enticing way for the reader.I

Suggestions: First and foremost, the grammar in this piece needs a lot of work. Capitalization at the beginning of sentences, commas, and proper quotations go a long way.

For example:

"welcome home good sir" the old man said in a lilting accent. Cloud frowned and said I am afraid you have me mistaken for someone else." the man seemed amused by this "i know everything about you do not kno about your self" Should look like:

Welcome home, good sir," the old man said in a lilting accent.

Cloud frowned and said, "I am afraid you have me mistaken for someone else."

The man seemed amused by this. "I know everything about you that you do not know about yourself."

Grammarly has some great writing tips. Here is their dialogue guide.

I definitely recommend checking that site out and also just reading as much as possible to see the way stories are written. I think reading has helped my writing more than anything.

Conclusion: I think you could have an interesting idea here, but that idea isn't fully on the page as of yet. I'd suggest writing a basic outline of the story premise along with some quick facts about the characters and their background. This will help when you begin the process of editing or rewriting the story. Thanks for sharing with us! Keep up the good work.

Rating: stars.

If your item requires a star rating, please see "Invalid Entry" & "Comment-In-A-Box" for guidelines on rating WDC items.

Best,
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#4516771

Review of Little Boy

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with Under Construction: MHWA

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi RootsToAPoetree

,

Welcome to WDC!

Today I'm reviewing your poem, "Little Boy"

, which I found on the Read a Newbie

page. Thank you for sharing your writing with us. Let me know if you have any questions while traversing the site.

Theme/Subject Matter: This is a theme that is very near and dear to my heart. I'd say over 75% of my writing deals with my own experiences with childhood trauma related to abuse. I think it's great that you can explore your past through your writing. I almost view this type of writing as poetic journaling. I can look back through my past poems and recall exactly what I was working on processing at that time.

Here you've touched on the topic of physical abuse, gaslighting through denial, and society's stereotyping of gender roles. It's a lot to tackle in one poem, but you've done a great job of wrapping it up in a cohesive poem.

Originality/Creativity: You definitely have an interesting style in this poem. Something like a stutter step, a steady heartbeat of short lines. You also opt for fragmented sentences with missing articles and lean more toward nouns, verbs, and prepositional phrases.

Emotion/Impact: There's a strong emotional impact in this poem. I think even those who don't have similar experiences will be able to understand the confusion and angst that is borne of abuse. There's also a lasting question of, "Who are you going to become?" Are you going to repeat abuse cycles? Are you going to become something more? It leaves a lasting impact on the reader.

My Favorite Part: My favorite line is shattered windshield, memory clip because it reminds of those random bursts of past trauma and memories that just pop into your head out of nowhere. Like a film reel of your past, they always pop up at the most inopportune moments.

I also like with no one to turn to eyes turn to wrist. Says a lot, but says it with subtlety instead of just straight up calling it suicidal thoughts. I really appreciate things that can be said without being said. It's a surprisingly rare thing.

My Suggestions: Just because I relate to what you're writing about here doesn't mean I'm going to skimp on the suggestions.

We all have room to improve.

heart of a lion
strength of the mouse
I'd make these articles match. Either 'a' or 'the' for both.

Boys seek victims
In children and women
Men protect family
Unconditionally, show me
I wonder if this stanza is saying what you want it to say. Here's how it reads: Boys are abusive, but real men aren't. Unconditionally show me that what I've just said is true. Where did this come from? Is it something the young boy was told by his father and he's now saying, "If it's true that men protect their families, then prove it to me" ? This stanza is just unclear.

Clear paths don’t exists
Should be 'exist' with no s.

Learned behaviors ignored
Father, sons tallies scored
Second line here is awkward. Is it Father, sons - tallies scored or speaking directly to father Father, sons tallies scored? If it's the latter, I'm not really sure what it means. If it's the former, it needs some clarification in grammar. Maybe needs some rewording there.

Summary: Overall, this was an interesting look at the perspective of young boys going through abuse and flailing while trying to become men. It's difficult to find a clear path when you're dealing with an abusive past and the trauma that bubbles just beneath the surface. How can we match society's view of what a man is?

Anyway, thanks for the read. Hit me up if you ever need someone to talk to.

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#4499060

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ ✝️ I Choose JOY! ~"

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers"

How's it going, ruwth

? I'm Charlie ~ and I'm reviewing your item, "~ ✝️ I Choose JOY! ~"

, as per your review request. Hope this review finds you well.

Theme/Subject Matter: This is a spiritual piece about finding peace by putting your faith in God. Your review request stated that this is an item you'd like to share with people in your area to inspire others. We have differing reviews on religion, so I've made an effort to focus on how well I think your goal of inspiring others may be achieved given what you have on the page currently.

Originality/Creativity: This piece is a mix between self-help and religion, or rather self-help through religion. Of course there are 2.2 billion Christians on this planet and I've come across many of them who write on the topic of religion. I think for people who are religious, there is a connection between putting things into God's hands and accepting what comes to you. You did a good job of telling your story in a creative way and I like that you played with font size and color to emphasize specific points.

Emotion/Impact: The main goal of this particular piece is to have an emotional impact on the reader, right? You want to inspire them to choose joy as you have! I do think the writing itself is technically well done. As far as the lasting emotional impact, it's difficult for me to say. I don't share the same religious views so it's hard for me to say how inspired a religious person would be from this item, but I'll get into that more later.

My Favorite Part: I liked that you talked about how you almost had to give yourself permission to be happy. I think it's so ingrained in society sometimes that you have to behave a certain way or believe a certain way. If someone you care about is upset with you, you have to let it ruin your whole day. You have to stress about everything life throws at you and work yourself to the bone. It's hard to give yourself permission to just relax and be content in a world that values the rat race of life.

My Suggestions: I have some concerns about this piece and I'm giving you this perspective as a mental health advocate and non-Christian, so take that with a grain of salt. If the people you want to share this with locally are religious, their perspective might be quite a bit different than mine. Here are some of my notes I made on this piece while writing:

As a person who advocates for mental health treatment and breaking the stigma against it, "Choose joy" almost gives me visceral reaction. A lot of people would choose joy if that were possible for them, but they're unable to for one reason or another. To combat this, I think you need to explain how you chose joy. What specific steps did you take to achieve this pervasive peace? Right now, it's reading too simple to me. "Just go off by yourself with God" is super vague to me. What does that actually mean?

As an ex-Catholic, I personally spent a lot of time trying to find peace through religion and a steadfast belief system. What can you do in this item to reach and inspire those people who have been letdown by religion? As I mentioned before, if your goal is to 'preach to the choir' this piece might be inspiring as is; however, what about those people who don't already follow this religion or follow a different spiritual belief system?

In combination with the above, I think this item needs more detail. You gloss over the difficult times (I made mistakes, house needed repairs, etc...) without fully fleshing them out and connecting them to the main point of choosing joy. I think people who are struggling are the ones who stand to be most inspired by writing like this, but if you don't give them something detailed to relate to, the end result falls flat.

Summary: Overall, I'm conflicted on this item. I do think the writing itself is technically good. I just don't know if you're fully selling the concept that was the entire point of the message. I think it would be beneficial to consider outside perspectives and tailor some of the writing to those other viewpoints. Thanks for requesting a review and sharing your writing with us, Ruwth!

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#4498934

Review of I Met Mr. C.

Review by Charlie ~

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers"

How's it going, ruwth

? I'm Charlie ~ and I'm reviewing your item, "I Met Mr. C."

as per your review request. Hope this review finds you well.

Theme/Subject Matter: I certainly feel as though I met Mr. C after reading this piece as well! I've always known the importance of journaling your life and I think that's why I love blogging so much. You said in your review request that you're wanting to share this with local seniors to try to get them to write their own memoirs. Unfortunately, you've stated that it failed the "read aloud" test so hopefully my suggestions can help with that.

Originality/Creativity: It isn't every day you get to 'meet' someone who was born pre-1906! I found Mr. C's life to be so deeply interesting. I've personally always been taken with memoirs and stories of ordinary people's lives, especially those who have been through a lot but aren't famous in any way. Your concept of writing about his memoirs as a tool to encourage people to write their own is inspiring.

Emotion/Impact: What a rollercoaster of emotions in this piece! I felt myself going through the ups and downs with Mr. C as he experienced so many different things. First, the fear of being lost at sea during a bad storm on his way to the US. It started off as a gripping tale and didn't stop until the very end. It reminds me that I should also be keeping track of what I can in my own life. Who knows who it could reach a century from now.

My Favorite Part: I think you did a great job of following the timeline of his life. It started from his trip to America and went fairly consistently through his life from his childhood to starting his own family to his final entry about the US putting a man on the moon. It really felt like a piece of history and I can only imagine your experience of reading it firsthand.

My Suggestions: My suggestions are going to be tailored specifically to what you're wanting to use this piece of writing for. If you want to make this read aloud better, here are some things to consider:

The story itself becomes a little bit disjointed when you interject your own opinions between his memoir entries. One minute we're reading something that happened in his life, and the next we're reading about your perspective or experience on reading the memoir or meeting Billy Sunday. I think that could hurt the process of reading aloud a little bit.

Direct quotes! I think it would be so cool to have direct quotes from his memoirs instead of, "Well, he wrote about such and such." It make it go from show to tell, which we don't want to do as writers. Of course the whole thing doesn't need to be direct quotes, but I do think it would liven the piece up a bit.

Visual aids. If you are trying to share this story aloud with seniors, I think visual aids could help so much. Do you have the memoirs so you can show them a page full of green ink as you're explaining what it is and what Mr. C experienced throughout his life? I think visual aids would make it so much more interactive when presenting it, and it would even make it more intriguing on the written page.

Perhaps you could sandwich his memoirs (with direct quotes) in between the personal impact it had on you. That's typically how something like this would be written, I think. You start with what it is, what the reader/listener is going to read/hear, and then at the end you conclude with why it's so important and what the lasting effect was on you personally.

Summary: Overall, I think this is an interesting piece of writing and I enjoyed reading it so very much. I do think there are a few things you can do to further the reach and impact of the piece as well as inspire others when it's read aloud. Thanks for requesting a review and giving me a chance to read!

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