This is a good first draft of a vignette. Keep it up with the interesting and sensory descriptions of everything. There's some proofreading to be done, and considering the pseudo-poetic nature of the piece, focus on making each sentence and phrase stand out as its own thing while being minimal with conjunctions that put sentences together, I would say. Also, be sure to never outright tell us things like "it was perfect." Let the reader come to that conclusion, or whatever other conclusion they come to, solely via your description.
Pretty much awesome, although the dwelling on hentai tropes kind of kills the imagination. Describe the porn references yourself so that 1. people who don't know what you're talking about with the dating sim stuff will be able to understand what's going on and not feel left out, and 2. you can expand your own library of description. I mean, don't go into gratuitous detail if you want to keep it more civil, but make sure all readers who are interested can follow along.
Otherwise, this is a fantastic bit of sci-fi. Great job.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cfrancis
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 1:34pm on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
