This is a good first draft of a vignette. Keep it up with the interesting and sensory descriptions of everything. There's some proofreading to be done, and considering the pseudo-poetic nature of the piece, focus on making each sentence and phrase stand out as its own thing while being minimal with conjunctions that put sentences together, I would say. Also, be sure to never outright tell us things like "it was perfect." Let the reader come to that conclusion, or whatever other conclusion they come to, solely via your description.
Pretty much awesome, although the dwelling on hentai tropes kind of kills the imagination. Describe the porn references yourself so that 1. people who don't know what you're talking about with the dating sim stuff will be able to understand what's going on and not feel left out, and 2. you can expand your own library of description. I mean, don't go into gratuitous detail if you want to keep it more civil, but make sure all readers who are interested can follow along.
Otherwise, this is a fantastic bit of sci-fi. Great job.
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