Christine's (cblackthorn) Reviews

Christine

Review Requests: OFF

219 Public Reviews Given

280 Total Reviews Given

1

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14 days may be credited.

#4418668

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ The I Love You Sign ~"

Review by Christine

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

So, I am very badly qualified to review this as I have never reviewed a photo before. I want to say that I love the photo and the story behind it but as it is supposed to be a review for a writing page I am reviewing the combination of picture and explanation. As such, I feel, the explanation falls short of both the story and the picture. The picture is incredibly poignant and combination of the shadow of the "I love you" with the background if the hard concrete is meaningful in itself. As such the explanation lacks emotional "whumpf". I would have liked there to be a more developed caption to do justice to the image.

2

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14 days may be credited.

#4417730

Review of Warping Radiance

Review by Christine

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Also, I have no expertise in poetry aside from an appreciative reader's liking for it. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I admit to being a complete philistine when it comes to poems - I like reading them but have no idea about form or format - so please take that into account when you read my comments. Having said that I liked this poem though it did not grab me emotionally. I loved the rhythm of it, the imagery being created.

BEGINNING:

I like that you use the same images throughout not only in the stances but through the way the words sound together.

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

I did not get drawn in emotionally though whilst I appreciate this poem based on the way it sounds to me it did not touch anything in me.

DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

I love the way it dances and flits around - like the light particles you refer to. However at the end of stance three (last line) it sounds clumsy and as if a word is missing.

STRUCTURE:

Based on the definition you gave it seems a well adapted poem (sorry, this is where I am simply not qualified)

LANGUAGE:

I love that you manage to use words and sentiments which fit together to create a joyful, light atmosphere.

Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here ▼

OVERALL COHERENCE:

You have managed to create the same imagery and carry it through not only with words but with the sounds you use.

END:

I like the recognition that a poet, a human, also misinterprets. It is a nice note of seriousness in something otherwise very joyful.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

As unqualified as I am to comment on this I ha e to admit that I liked the poem a lot (aside from one line).

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE POEM OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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3

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#4232010

Review of Not Like the Movies

Review by Christine

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Dear Arakun the twisted raccoon

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

So, I have come to the conclusion I like your shorts - though they make me smile more than be frightened. I love the surprise in them.

Beginning

What I like is the way you play with our preconceptions both in the way your characters speak and in their names. Brittany. We are seeing the image of a pretty, blonde cheerleader, not too bright and charmingly self-absorbed. The way she speaks, the language she uses fits perfectly to the image we have created in our minds.

Descriptive Elements:

External Descriptions:

Observations:

There is not much and for once I do not think there has to be more. The power of the story lies in the lack of descriptions, in the way the dialogue holds it all.

Examples:

The most prominent description is with her "toothy mouth" towards the end and it fits so well because it does make a point.

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

n/a

Emotional Draw:

This piece has its strength not in involving the emotions of the reader but his curiosity - and in the end his humour.

Dialogue/Monologue

The whole piece is a dialogue, and a wet crafted one. I can see and hear the two teenagers

Characters

They are so charmingly stereotypical - the cheerleader and her quarterback

Structure/Format

Great Structure

Language

Style:

I love the way you can let your character become consistent person through their speech.

Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼

Tension

The tension lies in the fact that we are desperately trying to figure out what the surprise will be - and how it makes us smile

Conflict:

External:

Vampires are also people

Internal:

n/a

End

I love the end - the way it jumps out on us and still is so innocuous.

General Comments:

I love the humour of this piece

I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW

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4

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#4231998

Review of Dreamcatcher

Review by Christine

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Dear Arakun the twisted raccoon

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I love the fact that this story is more a teaser - it leaves so much space for all the nightmares each of us has to come through and hit us over the head.

Beginning

It has such an innocuous beginning - he gazes at a dreamcatcher. We assume he has just bought it, possibly at a flea market out of a whim. He hung it up because it is pretty, not because he believes that it will actually work....

Descriptive Elements:

External Descriptions:

Observations:

You are very visual in your descriptions - to the exclusion of other senses.

Examples:

"rotting zombie" - there is a smell attached to that image, even a sensation to the room.

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

N/A

Emotional Draw:

This piece has a fascinatingly high level of emotional draw because it does not overtly try to catch the reader's emotions. It starts so innocently and then leaves the reader lost in his own images.

Dialogue/Monologue

n/a

Characters

Harvey - he seems such an idiot because he is a completely normal guy. He is you and me. We all have gone past a dreamcatcher, some other implement with rumoured mythical properties before and have contemplated buying it.

Structure/Format

I love the pithiness of the structure

Language

Style:

Short and very contemporary without loosing the dreamlike elements.

Tension

The tension is almost completely based on the look towards the dreamcatcher - and the falling asleep.

Conflict:

External:

The dreamcatcher and the question if it is real or merely myth

Internal:

n/a

End

I love the fact that you did not go down the obvious route and let it all just be a dream.

General Comments:

I am normally not that fond of short things as I like stories to develop and being able to connect to the characters. But strangely enough I could to this one from the first sentence.

I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW

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5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4231532

Review of "I Love Piano Duo"

Review by Christine

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Also, I have no expertise in poetry aside from an appreciative reader's liking for it. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I rarely review poetry - not because I do not like it but because I cannot write it. I love to read poetry and stand in awe of anyone who writes it. This piece fascinated me as it played with childhood imagery and emotion in a very clever way. Until the end I did not know if the protagonist is the child itself or a mother looking on.

BEGINNING:

I love the fairytale imagery of the beginning which also is reflected in the light skipping tone and rhythm of the piece. I think you could make more of an emotional impact by extending the childhood feeling in it and then letting it bleed into the bittersweet memory.

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

The emotional draw of this piece lies in the childhood innocence and joy being represented in the piece which, through the adult eye, acquires a bittersweet element when looking back.

DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

External:

This is where you are letting your poem down a little. There is no colour, no scent to let the childhood element fully develop.

Internal:

The strength of this piece lies in the slight melancholy most people feel when remembering treasured childhood moments with their fathers, you grasp that well and bring it out throughout the poem.

STRUCTURE:

The structure reminds me of old children's verses and fairytales and you tailored your language well to that.

LANGUAGE:

Style:

I love the slight anachronism expressed in the language. It fits very well to the subject matter of the piece.

Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here ▼

OVERALL COHERENCE:

The piece fits well together with the first and last verse linking well together leaving the reader to settle into the poem without a feeling of something being missing.

END:

The bittersweet emotion you let the reader experience here, the internal melancholia which comes up and swamps over us, is well done and relates well to both the structure and the content of the poem.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I very much liked this poem though I think it could be stronger - in particular in an emotional way.

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE POEM OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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6

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#3925239

Review of The Kiss

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Dear Amay

This review is in association with your entry into the Sensual Moments Contest.

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I fell a little bit in love with this piece - and it made me almost cry

Beginning

I love the way you establish the emotional relationship from the beginning, the wistful love hovering in the room.

Descriptive Elements:

External Descriptions:

I know at all times where I am and what is happening. There is a beauty in the tenderness you manage to communicate through your descriptions - the only quibble I have lies in the fact that you almost only and exclusively address the visual sense.

Where is the hospital smell, the sensation of the skin under her hands? Let me truly feel what is going on.

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

We can feel and hear her, be her though the depth you give her in the beginning - though you let this drop of half way through.

Emotional Draw:

Very, very high - the situation, the depth of feeling you give them draws the reader in.

Dialogue/Monologue

Good and believable

Characters

I love them both, though I would love to see some more of him.

Sensuality

The sensual tension between the two characters is amazing in the beginning and that established warmth is enough to rescue you over the last few paragraphs.

Structure/Format

Good structure

Language

Style:

I love the gentle beauty of your style

Tension

Good tension created and held

External Conflict:

Well established and heartwarmingly deep

Internal Conflict:

I would love to have more here - it is such a clear potential here.

End

Beautiful

General Comments:

I love this piece. I love the depth, the emotion it promises. I would love to see that depth given more space, more development. Please, please, please - extend it and let me read it again?

I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW

7

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14 days may be credited.

#3910200

Review of The Tube

Review by Christine

In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Dear Volpone

This review is in association with your entry in Round 84 of the Weekly Quickie Contest - Congratulations for your win.

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I love the story idea, the development, the ending. There is space for more depth, more description and emotional draw though.

Beginning

I like the beginning in its commonplace, its normality - everyone who has ever been to London has been there.

Descriptive Elements:

External Descriptions:

I like the clarity in your descriptions - but they are very visual. There is little sound, scent or taste - let alone sensation.

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

I want more here - i want intrigue and sadness, embarrassment and thrill. I want the depth you can give your characters.

Emotional Draw:

Well established at the beginning with a little kick at the end.

Dialogue/Monologue

Not really applicable

Characters

I like them both - especially with the surprise.

Sensuality

There could be so much more - more taste, more sensation, more emotion.

Structure/Format

Good Structure

Language

Style:

I like your style - though it is not always entirely consistent in it tone.

Orthography:

None noted

Tension

Well established in the beginning and held throughout.

External Conflict:

Clear and a good guiding principle throughout

Internal Conflict:

I want some - I want this to give depth and feeling to the characters.

End

I absolutely love your ending

General Comments:

This story has so much potential, so much strength - please consider extending and rewriting it.

I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW

8

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14 days may be credited.

#3906072

Review of Keeper of Secrets

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello, Fancy . This is a review from

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#1499415 by Not Available.

as part of your Shower!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I loved the heartwarming quality of the piece, the depth of emotion you create in the reader.

Beginning

I like your beginning, how you put the reader immediately into the story, into the sensation of feeling for the child.

Descriptive Elements:

External Descriptions:

You are good at letting the reader be always aware of where they are at, of what is happening. I like the way you play with colours but I would love to have the other senses addressed as well. I would love to smell the scents, hear the sounds, feel the air on my skin, the warmth of horse under my hands.

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

This is possibly where you are weakest - not because you do not address it but because for a story with so much potential emotional upheaval you address it so little. i want to know what she feels when she sees the child, how Chester reminds her of her own childhood. I want to know that feeling of utter comfort when you walk into a stable of sleeping horses, how the scent of it makes something in you relax.

Emotional Draw:

Ver, very strong at the beginning but petering off towards the end - mainly I believe be cause the reader would like to see so much more of the internal dialogue.

Dialogue/Monologue

Realistic and clear

Characters

I like both the little girl and the protagonist. I would love to see some more depth so

Structure/Format

Good Structure

Language

Style:

Good, down to earth style. At times your descriptions feel a bit like you are simply listing things rather than describing them though.

Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼

Tension

Good tension created form the beginning and held throughout

Conflict:

External:

Well introduced and clear from the beginning. At all times we are waiting for her to begin to speak.

Internal:

This is where you could give both your characters and your descriptions more depth. You hint at the internal conflict, her own history, her identification with the child - but you do not develop it.

End

I am not sure I like your ending, but that might be a personal preference. It feels almost too predictable.

General Comments:

I love the depth of emotion this story can evoke, I love the potential and warmth. I think there is space for improvement but I love the general story line and the warmth you give it.

I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW

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9

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#3904154

Review of The Old Man’s Prayer

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello, Gary . This is a review from

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This item number is not valid.
#1499415 by Not Available.

as part of your Shower!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I loved the story, the depth of emotion held in it, the bittersweet atmosphere and the hope.

Beginning

I like the beginning in so far as it is a clear hospital scene which sets us up well for the coming sooty - but, in comparison to the rest, it is a very long beginning.

Descriptive Elements:

External Descriptions:

I was fascinated to see how you communicate the sentiment with very few external descriptions. i would have liked to see more senses addressed though, how does it sound, how does it smell?

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

Very good and easy to follow - engaging and realistic

Emotional Draw:

Is very high, you made me cry at some point. Though the draw is highest in the middle and somehow lacks something towards the end.

Dialogue/Monologue

Realistica

Characters

I am fascinated by the old man because he can stand for so many men we love. I think he could profit from a little more depth through crafting him as a presence for all our perceptions, though.

Structure/Format

Good Structure

Language

Style:

I like your style in general, though there are some incongruities. The word "that" is slipping in at places where it is truly not needed and, interestingly, your style varies, from lyrical one sentence to a more commonplace style the next, in places.

Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼

Tension

Well built and held

Conflict:

External:

Clear and obvious, well alluded to and kept as a thread throughout

Internal:

The wistful love for his wife and fear to leave her is very strong in the first three quarters but peters off a little in the end

End

I love the surprise of the end, though I would love it to be more abrupt, more poignant

General Comments:

I loved this story, I loved it even more for the impact it could have. Give me the depth please, let me feel it in every aspect of my mind.

I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW

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10

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#3893782

Review of Masquerade

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon . This is a review from

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This item number is not valid.
#1499415 by Not Available.

as part of your Shower!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I loved the lyrical beauty, the sensual joy of this piece.

Beginning

I love the way you are creating the setting, introduce the dream-like nature of the whole piece. You play with sound and vision. though not scent. It also might be an interesting addition to hear what your protagonist feels - we can guess what she feels, sensation at least, but he is strangely untouched.

Descriptive Elements:

External Descriptions:

Your external descriptions are superb. You create them for me to see, to experience and allow them to pull me in. I admit I might want to have some more quantity - scents, the sensation of the ribbons on your wrists as you test them ....

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

This si possibly your weakest part. We have no idea what goes on in him, or even what he really feels, for the most part. It would give your character so much depth to let that come out and play.

Emotional Draw:

Is there, definitely - but could be so much stronger. Let me really feel what there is, not just see it. Don't get me wrong, I am drawn in but, as yet, some small part of my mind still remains separate. Catch it! You have enough words left over to do so.

Dialogue/Monologue

N/A

Characters

She is incredibly vivid, incredibly present - he less so.

Structure/Format

Good Structure

Language

Style:

I love the beauty of your style, the way you draw us in the dream realm.

Orthography:

Found none

Tension

Good tension

Conflict:

External:

The external tension, the culmination of the act is well set up and believable

Internal:

Here you give me nothing - and there is such potential. Why are they playing this? Does it fill a need in him? How does he feel about that? It would give them so much depth to really hear that.

End

I like the end, as you let us slip into dreams, let us come down from the height of your story.

General Comments:

I love this piece - and I am angry. Why? It has such potential, such depth. i want to meet the characters, want to feel their hands in my mind. You clearly have the ability, the drive to do so. You paint this incredibly beautiful, poetic picture - and then you do not throw me in it. Please - can I get another instalment?

I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW

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11

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#3893175

Review of Magic Whiplash

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello, A*Monaing*Faith . This is a review from

Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#1499415 by Not Available.

as part of your Shower!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I really want to like it, really do. I love the idea behind it and I enjoy your style - but I think you did not do it justice in this short piece.

Beginning

I like the first sentence possibly most at least until the semi-colon. It is a visceral and almost tangible situation you draw your reader in.

Descriptive Elements:

External Descriptions:

It is such a short piece that you need very little and what there is feels true, feels engaging. The problem is it is too disjointed. You draw me into one place, then dump me into another without letting my mind adjust.

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

In a way it is an internal monologue all the way through

Emotional Draw:

Surprisingly strong for such a short piece, especially in the beginning.

Dialogue/Monologue

N/A

Characters

I like your character even though I cannot really meet him in this piece.

Structure/Format

55 words is a hard limit to create a story - but you mostly managed

Language

Style:

I love your style, the poetic quality of this

Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼

Tension

Good tension though there is the danger to lose your reader

Conflict:

External:

We can guess at one which is impressive in such a short piece - but because it is not developed or spelled out enough you lose your reader

Internal:

N/A - here is where you could, with a few words, give more depth.

End

I hate your end - in its confusion it lets down the whole piece

General Comments:

I loved the way you write, I love the tension-laden atmosphere you manage to create in such a short piece. However, because it is so short the confusion and grammatical problems derail it so severely.

I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW

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12

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#3892041

Review of " BLAKE ! " (part 1)

Review by Christine

In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Dear watila ug

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I love your style and the promise of the story - though I am not sure it counts as erotica. It is a fascinating sight into your characters life

Beginning

I like the intrigue created by the beginning - it draws me in and makes me want to read more.

Descriptive Elements:

External Descriptions:

Observations:

You are very good in telling the action points of the story, in leading us along, though you are better at the internal dialogue. I would like to have some sounds, some scents

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

Fascinating how you make us not only see your character but empathise. There is more space you could give it though

Emotional Draw:

Strong and steady

Dialogue/Monologue

N/A

Characters

I like your protagonist, teh thoughtful young character you create

Sensuality

This is not really erotica yet - and sensuality is not its purpose

Structure/Format

Bad - try to clean it up to make it readable

Language

Style:

I love your style - elegant and pleasing, almost poetic

Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE ▼

Tension

Good tension created in the beginning - though I feel you miss an opportunity to heighten it towards the end

External Conflict:

Clear and obvious external conflict

Internal Conflict:

Could be worked out more explicitly - what does he feel, how does it make him think?

End

Don't like it - there is so much more space for drama here

General Comments:

I liked the story - mainly because I very much enjoy reading your flowing style. I also liked the ethical conundrum you give. There is lots of room for extension, for drama and true emotional draw

I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW

13

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14 days may be credited.

#3890450

Review of The Writing-Practice Journal

for entry "Invalid Entry"

Review by Christine

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

I loved this. There is no other thing to say. I absolutely loved it.

The tension was incredibly high from the beginning and the constant wonder what it is they are burying is great. I love the imagery you use as well. One point, you use a lot of visual clues - but very little scent or sound. That might be a way to make the impact even higher.

I also love the ending, the poignancy of it. I would like one snappy sentence at the end possibly, but it is great as it is

14

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14 days may be credited.

#3884493

Review of A Choice

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Amalie Cantor - We Got This! . This is a review from

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This item number is not valid.
#1499415 by Not Available.

as part of your Shower!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I was fascinated how you manage to draw in the reader in such a short piece

BEGINNING:

You draw in the reader with the first sentence, how your style and the mystery of the story draws on the reader.

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

Is very strong, within a few sentences I can feel her as well as see her.

DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

External:

I would say that this is your weakest aspect - not because I cannot see the potential of it but because you try to play with the imagery of night almost too much. The repetition breaks the descriptive flow and leaves the reader strangely dissatisfied.

Internal:

You manage to convene to the reader her internal state of being with very little

DIALOGUE/MONOLOGUE:

Believable and well reactive

CHARACTERS:

I like her, I can feel her more than her surrounding. I would like to know more of her.

STRUCTURE/FORMAT:

Good for the very short piece - it leaves me wanting more

LANGUAGE:

Style:

I love the style you write in, the poetic elegance, the potential it has to paint verbal pictures.

TENSION:

I feel grabbed and held throughout the whole short piece

END:

Appealing ending - it leaves me wanting more

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I am utterly fascinated by the amount of tension, of emotional draw you were able to put into such short a piece

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE STORY OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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15

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#3884476

Review of The Looked Ones

Review by Christine

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

I love the idea, I even love the play on words you give the read - but unfortunately it confuses the story.

The concept of the story is intriguing and I would love to hear more of it, to see it developed. The only problem is that the lack of clarity within the story itself makes it really hard to follow. I love the imagery you use.

16

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#3883799

Review of Young people and social exclusion

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️ . This is a review from

Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#1499415 by Not Available.

as part of your Shower!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

Clear, concise and balanced presentation of the issue of social inclusion and sport

BEGINNING:

Your introduction is well crafted overall, containing the most pertinent introductory information and definitions. It might be improved with a clearer statement of the argumentative syllogism and a one sentence summary of the conclusion. The danger in using an almost entirely descriptive introduction is that your setting yourself up to produces a likewise essay: high on description, low on analysis

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE:

Your statement of purpose is weak - not because your arguments are weak but because you use prevaricatory language in its statement. Also, you bury its strength in information. It is often wiser to let the different aspects of an argument be your flagpole sentences.

For example:
Socrates is a man
All men are mortal
Therefore: Socrates is mortal

This is a simple syllogism. Assuming your essay were on this topic then this syllogism would be, in some form, stated in your introduction. Then each line would be the first and last sentence of each section - with the supporting evidence between.

Paragraph 2 (after intro):
Socrates is a man
evidence
evidence
evidence
evidence
Therefore Socrates is a man

With that you make a very strong statement of purpose and preserve structure and clarity within the essay itself

CLARITY:

External:

Your overall clarity suffers under the lack of flag-pole sentences but you do an amazing job to nevertheless remain on target and not lose your reader

Internal:

Internally, within your paragraphs and sections your clarity of argument and the logical progression is well designed and convincingly displayed

CONSISTENCY:

Consistent and thorough

ANALYSIS/SYLLOGISM:

At times you fall into the danger of being too descriptive and not analytical enough. The main reason for this lies not in your actual argument but in your structure and clarity issues. Without clear and definite language and flagpole sentencing an essay easily is portrayed as a description rather than an analysis.

STRUCTURE/FORMAT:

Overall a good and appropriate, though could be clearer

Referencing appropriate and sufficient

LANGUAGE:

Style:

Good and accessible academic style

BALANCE:

There is space for a more diversified counter-argument and updated source material

END:

There is space for a more detailed summary here but you state your conclusion well and clearly.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

Overall a well researched and thoughtful essay. The conclusions were well defined and the supporting evidence well presented.

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THESE THOUGHTS OR EDIT THEM - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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#3883551

Review of Monsoonal Moisture Left

Review by Christine

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E

| (3.0)

I am utterly fascinated by the format, the structure of the poem. Let me say, first of all, that I have no skill in poetry - I just like reading it. In this instance I am fascinated how the strict and clear formulaic composition shapes the sentiment of the poem. I am fascinate by your skill. However, I have to admit that I am also a little disappointed. I have read other of your poetry and I felt you are very good at also allowing space for sensation, for sounds and smells, for the feeling of a poem. This poem does not give rise to that feeling, feels almost limiting to your skill, especially in the first stanza. I can see what you are writing - but the feeling of the air, the sensation of the humidity in my lungs, sensations you are very well able to invoke, as shown by other works, is missing somewhat. Though there is the promise of it within the poem. I like the way you use the monsoon as almost a parable to both renewed life and life, to change and challenge.

18

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14 days may be credited.

#3882393

Review of Writer, Dancer, Lover, Thief

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Jellyfish needs more hours . This is a review from

Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#1499415 by Not Available.

as part of your Shower!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I admit that I chose to review this out of entirely selfish reasons. When I looked at your port and saw the title a story jumped fully formed into my head and instead of reviewing, I went away and wrote my own. So it seemed only fair to come back and do the actual review.

Let me say that I was drawn in from the first, enchanted by the very idea, the language, the characters.

BEGINNING:

What I like:

I loved the intrigue and expectant mystery you manage to put into this first sentence.

Favourite part:

He played the writer.

I played the dancer.

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

What I like:

I love the whimsical atmosphere with which you are drawing in your readers.

Observations:

Sometimes the bow is overstretched through your language - there is just one word, one phrase that seems too much and breaks the musical rhythm of the words

A good example is: He wore a bowler hat and glasses and braces over his shirt.

The second and makes the sentence cumbersome and throws me out of the emotional pull you have created for me. I suddenly cannot feel the character anymore - I only see him.

Suggestions:

I might want to have more on sensations - not only what the characters see, hear and smell but how those things make them feel, react and wonder

Favourite part:

In the play he was in love with me.

In reality, I bored him beyond belief.

DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

External:

What I like:

You are very, very good at the external descriptive elements. You paint a detailed and amusing image.

Suggestions:

The descriptive fascination is sometimes muddled, almost lost, through overly convoluted sentences.

Favourite part:

Rehearsals took place in the back room of the back street theatre or – on occasion in the back room of the Fox and Glove round the corner, above the thud of contemporary rock music and under patchy lighting where half the bulbs had blown and never been replaced.

Internal:

What I like:

Are very sparse and not really necessary for the most part. I love how you make them short and to the point when you provide them - almost in stark counterpoint to the convoluted nature of your other descriptive elements.

Suggestions:

There are parts where they might aid in the construction of the depth of the character.

DIALOGUE/MONOLOGUE:

Dialogue among characters:

Observations:

Feels slightly abrupt, bordering on impolite in places.

Internal monologue:

What I like:

love the pithiness of it.

Observations:

I am not sure if I like her or not - or for that matter if you do.

Suggestions:

I would like to have a bit more substance, a bit more depth in order for the final reveal to be more shocking.

Favourite part:

I heard his words from the night before echo in my head as the train pulled out of the station – a hazy dream, or perhaps a reality;

CHARACTERS:

What I like:

I like how your main character turns out

Suggestions:

I can feel the place, the atmosphere, I can even feel the Writer - but in places I can only see your main character.

STRUCTURE:

What I like:

Good structure

FORMAT:

What I like:

Good format

LANGUAGE:

Style:

What I like:

I love the gentle teasing, suffused with the biting, pithy humour and dreamlike elegance of your descriptions

Observations:

Sometimes your meaning gets lost in the complications of your style

Suggestions:

There are sentence which could easily be broken in two or three.

Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here ▼

TENSION:

What I like:

I like the way you hold the tension throughout

Suggestions:

The relative abruptness of some of the dialogue somehow throws the tension, the flow

END:

What I like:

I love the end - nothing else to say about it.

Favourite part:

But he was wrong.

I am the lover.

And I am the thief.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I loved the cheeky levity, the hidden thoughtfulness of the piece. I absolutely loved the ending and the twist it represents.

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE STORY OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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14 days may be credited.

#3880591

Review of The Pale Lord

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello, Naraxes . This is a review from

Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#1499415 by Not Available.

as part of your Shower!

Please accept these comments as those of merely an interested reader and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I like the tone of it, the elegance and mystery. I like the potential and promise.

BEGINNING:

What I like:

I love the beginning. I feel drawn in.

Observations:

It is a very beautiful fairytale beginning with hints of thoughtfulness - but there is so much more depth possible.

Suggestions:

Give me scents, sounds. Tell me how those may may make the reader feel

Favourite part:

It too has succumbed to the patient march of time, although a more astute observer can still mark where the path turns or where the gleaming stone shows through its heavy cloak of earth and greenery.

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

What I like:

Is surprisingly strong

Observations:

I like the images your create but I cannot feel them yet.

Suggestions:

You paint a picture, but don't fill it in. I want to be there - not just see them there.

DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

External:

What I like:

I like the way you give the whole surrounding a mystical feeling.

Observations:

The external descriptive elements are possibly your strongest.

Suggestions:

You are very good on the broad visual strokes - but less so on the small detail. I want more colours, more scents, more sounds

Favourite part:

She wore the sparse sueded-leather armor of the Tir Anuel trade patrol, dyed black with subtle gold accents, and a heavy brown cloak. A cased longbow and quiver leaned against her stool, as well as a short, curved sword and targe.

Internal:

What I like:

I like the potential depth of your characters.

Observations:

This might be your weakest aspect of the story

Suggestions:

I want to know how they feel, and how it makes them feel that they feel this way

DIALOGUE/MONOLOGUE:

Dialogue among characters:

What I like:

I like that you preserve the style per individual

Observations:

In parts very stilted

Suggestions:

Make it feel more natural - make them flirt and tease, joke and be annoyed - and tell me how their faces move, their bodies, what they feel

Internal monologue:

Observations:

Very sparse

Suggestions:

Make me be the characters, let me walk in their shoes please.

CHARACTERS:

What I like:

I like the variety, the fantastic elements and rich cultural and historical background you give them

Observations:

At the moment they are still animated dolls

Suggestions:

the reason for their lack of animation is the lack of internal monologue combines with the lack of description of emotions and sensations.

STRUCTURE:

What I like:

Good structure

FORMAT:

Observations:

Appropriate format

LANGUAGE:

Style:

What I like:

I like the fairytale style

Observations:

On occasion you want to be so formal that you lose the flow

Suggestions:

Play with the elegance, the beauty of your writing.

TENSION:

What I like:

I like the idea

Observations:

Tension drops off sometimes half way through

Suggestions:

Make me feel the characters and I will feel the tension

END:

Observations:

It does not feel as if it is over.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

The story has such potential, such promise. I live the idea and I can see the characters - now just make me feel them.

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE STORY OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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14 days may be credited.

#3879238

Review of In the Pouring Rain

Review by Christine

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Also, I have no expertise in poetry aside from an appreciative reader's liking for it. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I have no particular ability in poems, no idea about format or verse - but I love reading poetry small and large; and I loved this one.

BEGINNING:

What I like:

I love the dreariness in that first stanza

Suggestions:

Possibly the mention of the colours of rain, the grey would even increase that sensation

Favourite part:
I must walk outside again.

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

What I like:

I have no idea why - but it really draws me in. I think it is the strange combination between dreary and playfulness.

Suggestions:

None

DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

External:

What I like:

I like the feeling of bad weather you give me through all the dark vowels

Internal:

What I like:

There is no internal dialogue and I am wondering if that is not a strength. Would more emotion take away part of the playfulness?

STRUCTURE:

What I like:

Clearly, I have no expertise - but what I really liked was the rhythm the structure gives to this poem.

LANGUAGE:

Style:

What I like:

I love how your words play with the emotion of rain and bad weather

OVERALL COHERENCE:

What I like:

It fits together well

END:

What I like:

It made me smile, it is the feeling we all get when we realise we forgot something.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I have no idea why I liked this poem so much. I liked the feeling it gives me, the fact that it makes me think and feel a rainy day when the temperature outside the window tops 30 degree Celsius. You might make that feeling stronger with some colours and sensations.

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE POEM OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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14 days may be credited.

#3878353

Review of Someone To Blame: Part 1

Review by Christine

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Cailean Jones

. This is a review from "Invalid Item"

!

Please accept these comments as those of merely an interested reader and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I like seeing him there, trudging through the leave-covered forest, his feet snagging on the hidden stones, the scent of autumn in the air. His head bowed in contemplation, hands in the pocket to protect against the cold creeping in.

BEGINNING:

What I like:

I like the mystery and slight melancholy you create with this piece.

Suggestions:

I think your impression could be stronger. What does it smell like? How do the leaves sound? Is he fighting tears?

Favourite part:

The soft crunch of footsteps carried through the still air around Tywin

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

What I like:

The potential for an emotional draw is very high, and I am being drawn in already.

Suggestions:

But there is potential for a deeper, a more all-encompassing draw. I want to know hoe he feels physically and emotionally - not just with words but what that emotion does to a body. When you are trepidatious - does your stomach not feel heavy? Sadness makes my eyes water, threatening to spill over. The cold gives me goosebumps. Let me feel that as your character.

DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

External:

What I like:

I like the way you play with our expectation, use so little to let the image of him rise in our minds.

Suggestions:

But I think you could give the reader more - more colours, more touch. Don't get me wrong - I think you are already very good at this, but you are inconsistent.

Favourite part:

The soft spongey soil was smothered by orange-red leaves the trees recently shed.

Internal:

What I like:

I like the way you can insinuate the idea of nervousness of contemplation in the perception your reader has of the protagonist.

Suggestions:

I think you should try to be more explicit - not just hint at the emotion but tell me how it affects your character, how it makes you feel.

CHARACTERS:

What I like:

I love your character, or at least there is the potential of love as I get more information about him.

Suggestions:

Tywin is fascinating, he has hints of depth around him. You have done that very well.

Favourite part:

Tywin had never actually noticed the beauty of nature

STRUCTURE:

What I like:

Good structure

Suggestions:

It feels as if this is not entirely complete

LANGUAGE:

Style:

What I like:

I like the hints of vivid expression in your writing

Suggestions:

I would like to have more of that

Favourite part:

The way the crisp green pine needles scattered the sharp mid-day sunlight. The knotted bark of the maple trees, made naked by the season

TENSION:

What I like:

You are good at creating a tension, to draw in your reader and make him want more.

Suggestions:

It feels as if this is merely an introduction to a larger piece

END:

What I like:

I like the hint at the future, at the excitement yet to come ...

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I love the promise of this piece, the hint at the future excitement. I also love the way it promises to shift from this thoughtful, contemplative atmosphere to something more active, more adventurous.

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE STORY OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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#3874101

Review of Squatters

Review by Christine

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Please accept these comments as those of an absolute amateur and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I think this piece has a lot of potential, it is fascinating in the draw it has on the reader, the tension it creates.

BEGINNING:

What I like:

I love the feeling of tension, of danger, you create so easily in this beginning.

Suggestions:

I think there is space for even more tension and drama with more description. What does he hear? What does he smell? I want more information on sensations and emotions.

Favourite part:

She really is stunning naked.

I love this opening - though the phrasing could be more elegant, more dramatic.

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

What I like:

I like that you make us empathise with both the intruder and the potential victim.

Suggestions:

You lose coherence towards the end. I can empathise with the intruder in the beginning but in the last third his character is too confused, too confusing even, to really be feelable. I understand that there should be cryptic and mysterious remarks - but they are so vague that the reader gets lost.

Favourite part:

Soon I’ll be close enough to touch, instead of watch.

Close enough to kill

Very powerful - though again the style and grammar could be clearer

STRUCTURE:

What I like:

I like the three part structure moving from outside to inside in the mental landscape of the intruder.

Suggestions:

I think it could be stronger towards the end with a clearer end section.

LANGUAGE:

Style:

What I like:

I like how you can give the intruder the edgy short style to represent him and his fractured mind.

Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here ▼

TENSION:

What I like:

It is fascinating how you create the tension through the first two thirds of the story - and how the reader's breath halts at the thought what he might do following the last part.

Suggestions:

I think more description of smell and sensation would be give the reader a closer link to the characters - and therefore create more confusion, uncertainty if one SHOULD feel with the intruder or not.

Favourite part:

Anyway, my story doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. This isn’t about me.

It’s about us.

All my brothers and sisters.

CHARACTERS:

What I like:

I like the confusion you create by making us empathise with both.

END:

What I like:

I like the edginess

Suggestions:

I understand that the confusion is part of the character but you are losing your reader here.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I love the tension, the excitement, the rising fear - but I want more, I want sensations and emotions, sound and smell. I want to feel the clothes against my body as I hide in the dark, want to see the warm light shining through the bathroom door play over her skin ....

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE STORY OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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14 days may be credited.

#3870635

Review of Lost... On the dark side of the library!

Review by Christine

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Please accept these comments as those of an absolute amateur and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I loved the concept of it and was drawn into the idea. When I go to work in the library tomorrow I will definitely look at the reflection out of the corner of my eyes - and who knows what I might see?

BEGINNING:

What I like:

I like how you have chosen to use an everyday occurrence and given it a scary, intriguing element.

Suggestions:

The beginning draws me in and creates a situation I can "feel" - mostly. What do you smell, what other hints do you have about the two speakers? I would like to know how their voices sound.

Favourite part:

The other day I went to the library to borrow some books, and overheard an odd conversation through the shelving

Grammatically that sentence might be a bit dodgy but I love the way it introduces us to the story. We all go to the library - and we all would love there to be a section of hidden books and some mystery.

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

What I like:

I like that you present the protagonist as the "normal" guy, that most of the attention is on the action. The problem with that is that he only annoys and bores me. He does not want to take a peak? He runs? He does not do anything after?

Suggestions:

The problem with that is that he only annoys and bores me. He does not want to take a peak? He runs? He does not do anything after?

Favourite part:

I don't think I have a favourite part in respects to emotional draw - I think this might be the only real weakness of this piece. I want to be in that room, I want to experience what he does - I also want to hit him over his head for his lack of curiosity and courage.

STRUCTURE:

What I like:

I like the no nonsense structure, fitting with the everyday feel of the piece - but it does make it harder to read.

Suggestions:

It is hard to jump between their conversation and what is happening on his side of the book shelves - partially because you are not entirely consistent with the format (I think). But the fact that I have to wonder about this makes my point ;). Though I think you should keep the simple style, I also think there has to be more of a distinction - possibly by using more spacing or bold writing.

LANGUAGE:

Style:

What I like:

The simplicity fits the story incredibly well.

Suggestions:

At some points you fall out of the simple into lyricism. I first thought this was when you are talking as the other guy - which would have been a great idea. But you mix up the different styles in the different characters then.

Favourite part:

The speaker had no such doubts. He spoke in hushed urgency and the seriousness of his voice seemed to lend his ridiculous claim plausibility

Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here ▼

TENSION:

What I like:

The tension is brilliantly created and held throughout.

Suggestions:

The tension plummets a bit at the end

CHARACTERS:

What I like:

I like the nebulous and still down-to-earth quality of the protagonist as well as the slightly simple impression the main speaker presents.

Suggestions:

A bit more meat and bone to him (scents, sounds ....) might help.

END:

What I like:

I am not sure I like the end - I feel let down somehow.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I thought it was a great piece, tension laden and fascinating. It draws on the reader's commonplace experiences and gives them a twist.

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE STORY OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.

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#3869057

Review of My Rating Philosophy

Review by Christine

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Thank you for a =very good and thoughtful look at ratings and their meaning. It was immensely helpful to this beginner.

25

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14 days may be credited.

#3867017

Review of Sirens' Cove

Review by Christine

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Please accept these comments as those of an absolute amateur and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.

INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I very much liked the idea of the story, the general surrounding but the characters felt in places too flat. I like the way you create the tension right away.

BEGINNING:

What I like:

I like the way you present his state of mind, the fuzziness before the faint, very well through the language and the disassociated images you create.

Suggestions:

Make me feel him more, let me feel the person he is already in the first few sentences.

EMOTIONAL DRAW:

What I like:

I like her and she draws me in. You get her emotions right.

Suggestions:

You might want to consider to add some more sensations (colour, scent, touch) to strengthen the impression of actually being there. You have got the facial expression, but little of what surrounds them or what emotions they engender

STRUCTURE:

What I like:

The structure is straightforward, possibly a bit too straightforward. In some places it feels almost too predictable

LANGUAGE:

Style:

You waver between a very lyrical style and a more simple one. In-between that distinction feels a bit jarring

TENSION:

What I like:

I like how you build the tension right away, in the first sentence.

Suggestions:

The tension peaks very early on and then falls flat, almost. Possibly you could draw it out a bit more.

CHARACTERS:

What I like:

I like the grumpiness and anger of the witch. The ways he is portrayed as a spoiled child almost

Suggestions:

She is very unlovable, but he still falls for her. You might want to consider giving her a deeper dimension

END:

What I like:

I hate the ending, I think it lets the story down. It is too mundane and whilst your style is very lyrical at other places it somehow descends into the commonplace.

Suggestions:

Can you add one, really powerful sentence, to draw it out of the mundane?

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I liked reading the story, liked the tension in the beginning and the idea behind it. I think there are some rough edges that could be, in my personal opinion, evened out, but I would love to see where you take it.

IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE STORY OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.