Great read! The twist on Scrooge, the irony of Samuel's passing and how quickly the business was turned around by the mere replacing of a sign to change consumer perspective is all nicely tied together.
I did notice you slipped in your verbiage a few times though. Here's one where it goes from 3rd person to first:
"After considerable reflection he conceded the problem is to difficult for me to define. The conventional lending institutions will no longer accommodate me. "
You used "he" and "me" in the same sentence - reads a bit awkward.
I also like to see dialog in altnerating like this:
"Words of participant 1 here!"
"Words of participant 2 here..."
"One here?"
"Yes, one there, two here."
Makes it easier to follow dialogue using this context so the reader can keep track of who is saying what. Inserting it in the paragraph is perfectly fine if it's just one speaker, but not two or more (imho). While it may be grammatically fine to have multiple people's dialog in one paragraph, it makes it harder on the reader. (Again, just my opinion..)
That said, I really liked the story, and think you've done a good job here!
Funny dialog here. I instantly get a sense of the mentality of kids in high school and hearken back to those days of my youth. Some are super sweet romantics, others find that humorous, and you've blended the two perspectives together nicely.
I also like the juxtaposition of the person with the dog. It's something that animal lovers (and dog lovers specifically) are prone to do - anthropomorphize their pets. (Guilty as charged).
The formatting made this difficult to read. When reading material, I like to see some sort of formatting that gives my eyes a chance to breathe between thoughts. Perhaps editing this into paragraphs and putting dialog in a more readable layout for the reader. Not sure who Major Disaster and T. Author are because I've not been given any sense of who they are, their relationship with each other.
Clever usage of the numbers in Pi to create a poetic form. I liked the creativity here, and the poem itself read nicely. For some reason, in my mind I want to find some form of rhythm or meter and can't really get there.
Still, an interesting angle and a good way to showcase how one can think outside the box. Reminds me of a book:
Interesting view of the "gods" of the cosmos, their view of planets, and the risks of warring amongst each other. We fight and war constantly, without thought to larger powers that may exist, and this story illustrates that well.
I also get a sense of almost an erotic tone to it too...as though there is something arousing in violence from "Lili's" perspective. Funny that she finds no issue with her own violence, but has troubles with others...kind of wish that was explored a little more.
Overall, an entertaining read, thanks! :)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cbjason
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 1:06pm on Dec 29, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
