I enjoyed your poem so much that I left it open in a tab, I found it right before bed, that I might review it in the morning when I could give it my full attention.
I personally think that first stanza is just perfect. The eighth line in the second stanza seems like it needs a little tweak. It's clearly a necessary sentiment for where the poem is going, I understand that. I think what I'm feeling about it is that every line before is very precise and that eight line is reiterating itself.
I think you've caught a sentiment that I've always felt. That there are many kinds of love and no two are the same. Sometimes it's a quiet, supportive kind of love. For some of us we love loudly, or passionately, or sometimes even dangerously. You've caught that very well.
The final four lines definitely captured my imagination. The last two were a perfect combination for a closing that ends the poem well but keeps it on a person's mind.
A very enjoyable poem! One of my favorite aspects of it is how you've chosen to use your punctuation throughout the work. It reads like the journey, or journeys, you're describing. It has a bit of an almost prose feel to it which is lovely.
These lines here are my favorite
"But those who let loose in raves surrounded for miles
By pavements, they think that they can achieve
That state, there, in Clubs in the basements of high-rises.
Maybe they know more about this than the lion in the zoo."
There's just something about them that rings so terribly true. The more I read them the more I enjoy them. While I'm not aware of who Ghan-buri-ghan is it still makes sense in context and doesn't take away at all.
That is a really lovely and strong piece. I would suggest rethinking that second verse that provides the answers. It feels like the rest of the piece would carry itself beautifully without it. Doesn't the best writing come with questions the reader has to answer for themselves? I've re-read it a few times and it's just a wonderfully developed work. It almost reads more like prose which good poetry often does. Bravo. Write on!
Line 9: I think the proper abbreviation is "ol'" (but I don't think ole is improper either!)
It's a lovely little piece. It's very playful almost with how it's read and comes with a huge dose of good advice. The last verse feels a little solid and short compared to the others. It might be worth a try splitting it into two verses.
I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for sharing!
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