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Review of Never Again  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This story is very captivating, from a horrifying point of view. My heart goes out to you, but I am glad that you are able to write about it. The act of writing the story and sharing it with others can be very cathartic.

As for your story, it well organized and well written. There are a few punctuation issues -- nothing that running grammar/spell check and performing a final proofread wouldn't catch. They don't detract from the story, but should be corrected. A few examples are as follows:

*Bullet*"Tell her what to do with that thing, Gloria!", Ken yelled. The correct punctuation is: "Tell her what to do with that thing Gloria," Ken yelled.

*Bullet*For once, pure terror was beaming from his face rather than mine or my mother's. It should read: For once, pure terror was beaming from his face rather than my mother's or mine.

*Bullet*The following sentence is a little wordy: I was busy with my school work that was a week behind and due the following day when the familiar screams from my mother began penetrating throughout the large house.

Try breaking it up a little bit and then changing the order of the sentences. For example: I was busy with my schoolwork, when the familiar screams of my mother began ringing through the house. I was already a week behind, and this assignment was due tomorrow.

Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to reading more items from your port.

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Review of Clutter  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem a lot. I like the feeling expressed. Many of us have had a friendship wrecked because we slept with him/her in a moment of weakness, and one of us was serious and the other was not.

Spelling

*Bullet*The word "seperate" is misspelled. It should be "separate."

Meter/Rhyme

*Bullet*The rhyme is good, but the meter is off in places. I would suggest reading it aloud and you will see what I mean. Minor word adjustments here and there, as well as taking out unnecessary words, should help.

For example:

Two young fools, playing the parts
is all the lusters were;
yet as he stared into her eyes,
he became a fool for her.

Perhaps it would sound better as:

Two young fools, playing the parts
is all the lustersthey really were;
yet as he stared into her eyes,
he became a fool for her.

Format

I would suggest breaking the poem into stanzas. It seems jumbled and harder to read without any breaks. It's like all the thoughts are running together. I would suggest breaking it up, perhaps as follows:

"This wasn't supposed to matter,"
he whispered in her ear.
"It doesn't mean a thing," she says,
but her kiss is so sincere.

Close friends for years on end,
turned lovers in the night;
both caught up in a moment
that they each believe is right.

Two young fools, playing the parts
is all the lusters were;
yet as he stared into her eyes,
he became a fool for her.

In the morning, this will pass
and these feelings will be gone.
But when he woke and kissed her cheek,
his feelings still burned strong.

Still the two said their goodbyes,
traveling their seperate ways;
and he kept silent as she left,
though he had so much to say.

I'm all she would ever need,
and she's all that I adore.
But this love is blind to her;
she desires something more.

"This wasn't supposed to matter,"
he whispered to himself.
It didn't mean a thing, she thinks,
he's just clutter on my shelf.

I think it reads easier and increases the emotion of each stanza by allowing the reader a moment to reflect on it.

Thanks for sharing your poem. I look forward to reading more of your items.

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Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the emotion behind this poem, and think it has a lot of potential. However, there are a lot of problems, which I have detailed below.

*Bullet*In the title and throughout the poem, you use "loves," although it is possessive since it is referring to a specific person's (i.e., his or her) true love.

*Bullet*The poem contains the line, "never ready to break like a flake." I have to confess, I have no idea what that means. Maybe there is a better word or words you could use to help clarify that line.

*Bullet*In the line, "he shouldn't miss tho he only," there appears to be a typo. But, I'm not sure what you intended it to say.

*Bullet*The line "is only bedding for my dreams," throws off the rhyming scheme you have set because the previous line is "the wedding of my dreams." I would suggest finding another word for bedding that doesn't end in "ing."

*Bullet*The line "as I wake to come from a dream," is awkward. I'm not sure if there are too many words or too few. I believe it should read "as I wake from a dream."

*Bullet*You use the word "only" when it isn't necessary. For example, "i only find he will miss" would read better and more succinctly as "I find he will miss."

*Bullet*In some places, you have "I" capitalized, and in others it is not. You should stick with one or the other, but I would suggest capitalizing it.

Thank you for sharing your poem. If you make changes to it, and would like me to re-review and re-rate it, please let me know. I will be happy to do so.

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Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This story has so much potential, and I want to encourage you. But, I won't lie to you, it's got some serious problems.

Organization

The organization and sentence structure are poor. There appears to be no real thought put into the structure of the story. It is as if you just typed it as fast as you could, and posted it.

Now, what you need to do is go back and look at it from an organizational standpoint. Do an outline. Do you want to tell the story chronologically? With flashbacks? Is there another way it would be better organized?

Think about what things belong together, what needs more explanation, what could be left out all together.

I also think the story would benefit if you were to expand it, and include some dialogue. Give the reader an opportunity to get to know the characters.

Format

The format is difficult to read. I would suggest indenting the first line, and double space between paragraphs. It will make it much easier for the reader.

Spelling/Grammar

There are some spelling and grammar errors. Remember these types of errors can detract from a great story. Be sure to use all the tools at your disposal such as spell/grammar check, before doing your final proof. This should catch a lot of these errors.

An example is the following sentence: "When Alana was born her father refused to cut Alana's umbilicle cord let along look at what he created."

It should read: "When Alana was born, her father refused to cut Alana's umbilicleher umbilical cord, let alongalone look at what he created."

Final Thoughts

I hope you will revise this piece. If you do, please be sure to let me know. I would be happy to re-review and re-rate it for you.

Good luck and keep writing.

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Review of Never Mind  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent work. I can see why it won the national gold award. It encapsulates the often precarious mother-teenage daughter relationship perfectly.

I have only one suggestion. What if you changed the last line to read: "Take only safe roads, for now." I think it makes it much stronger and more rebellious that way.

Thanks for sharing it. I look forward to reading more items in your port.
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Review of Why Give Up  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This poem is really well-written, and I enjoyed it. The tempo is well-paced, with a nice rhythm and rhyme to it. I really could find no way to improve upon it.

On a more personal note: I'm not sure I entirely agree with the sentiment, but then again I am going through a divorce right now. *Frown* Maybe I'll feel differently soon, or "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. *Smile*

I look forward to reading more of your poems. Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Spring Morning  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this poem a lot. The imagery is very nice and reflects the joy of a spring morning.

I have just a few comments, as follows:

*Bullet*There is an opening quotation mark at the start of the second stanza, but no closing quotation mark.

*Bullet*In the second stanza, "angery" is misspelled. It should be "angry."

*Bullet*In the third stanza, the last sentence starts with the word "the" twice in a row.

Also, what about changing this line to read: "As life begins to sprout."

*Bullet*What about changing the last line to read: "There is no better reason."

I really enjoyed your poem. Thanks for sharing.

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Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem is very good, and the tempo is pleasing. It is dark, but it accurately portrays so much that goes on in the world today. It's hard not to think about it all, especially after watching the news. We get innundated with it from all sides.

Thank you for sharing it. I look foward to reading more of your poems

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Review of My Special One  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is good. I like it a lot. The rhythm and rhyme are pretty good, until the last verse. It just doesn't work for me. I think the problem is the use of "you" in the two lines that rhythm. I think it is the 2nd line that is the problem. Unfortunately, I can't seem to come up with a suggestion on how to reword it....

Thanks for sharing it. *Smile*
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Review of Reflector.  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the idea behind this story. And I think you have a good start here. But there are a few problems, mostly to do with the mechanics.

format

The format is good. I like the way you put a break between the sections.

Be sure to double space between paragraphs. I would also suggest indenting the first line.

Sentence Construction

Some of the sentences are worded awkwardly.

For example:

I am on way to my office. I walk to my office. Looking down, with my head bend in my neck, I walk straight not looking anywhere. Striding purposely towards my destination.

Suddenly there was some commotion, still I kept my head trusted inside my neck. I don't need complications. But this lady dashed in me and by the impact or the shock my head was forced to look up at the view. She had dark glasses on. I saw myself reflected on it.

What about the following:

As I walk to my office, I look down. I walk straight, striding purposely towards my destination.

Suddenly there is a commotion. Still I keep my head down. I don't need complications. A woman dashes towards me. As she hits me, the impact forces my head up. She is wearing dark glasses. I see myself reflected in them.

I think that sounds a more concise.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation

There are some spelling and grammar errors. Remember these types of errors can detract from a great story. So be sure to use all the tools at your disposal, like spell/grammar/punctuation check, before doing your final proof. It should help catch a lot of these errors.

Tenses

You switch between the present and past tense. (See example above.) I like this story in first person, present tense. But, it is hard to write. Whichever tense you chose, make sure to stick with it throughout the story.

Point of View

Most of the story is told through the man's point of view. Suddenly in the last two sections you switch to the doctor's point of view. I'm not sure that's a problem. I just thought there might be a way to signal the change. Perhaps by a title/chapter heading at the start of each change. Just something to consider.

I think this story has a lot of potential. You just need to work on the mechanics.

Thank you for sharing. Keep on writing.
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Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I really like this poem and I think you are on the right track. But, it's not quite right.

For example, the last line of verse two says, "or is he just a s***?" It doesn't quite work. What about something like, "Or was he just not it?"

Another example is the third line in the last verse which says, "I see him now and though I try." The use of "though" doesn't fit with the rhythm and tempo you have set throughout the poem. Maybe something like "I see him and even when I try."

Thanks for sharing your poem. Keep writing.

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Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this poem a lot. I think you did a very good job of conveying the feelings a woman has this situation.

I also found the tempo of it (rhythm and rhyme) to be excellent.

I have only two comments:

*Bullet*In the first verse, fourth line - did you mean to use the word ignominy rather than ignomy? I know ignominy is shame/disgrace/dishonor. Is ignomy a different spelling or colloquialism?

*Bullet*In the fourth verse, you refer to "he." Who is he? The devil? God? I wasn't sure. I think you may want to clarify that at the start of the second line.

Thanks for sharing this poem.

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Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm don't really know all that much about poetry, but I'm gonna try here.

I really liked the idea of this poem, about being a pregnant teenager, unprepared for all that encompasses.

As for style/form, I have the following comments:

*Bullet*First thing I noticed is "paniced." Correct spelling is "panicked."

*Bullet*You used the word "through" twice. It interrupts the flow. I would suggest finished or over for the second "through." Of course, that means rewording the line it rhymes with, but I think it would sound better.

*Bullet*I don't know if "own" is actually supposed to rhyme with "milestones." This could be a poem convention I don't know about. But, from a lay person's standpoint, it should given the rest of the poem. And it doesn't. I would consider revising this to make them rhyme as it throws off the tempo.

Thanks for sharing it. I look forward to reading more of your poems.

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Review of A Christmas Tale  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this story. It is interesting and keeps one's attention.

There a few problems with it, which I will describe below.

Format

The format is difficult to read. I would suggest indenting the first line, and double space between paragraphs. It will make it much easier for the reader.

Spelling/Grammar

There are some spelling and grammar errors. Remember these types of errors can detract from a great story. So be sure to use all the tools at your disposal, like spell/grammar check, before doing your final proof. This should catch a lot of these errors.

Punctuation

The punctuation in the dialogue is very problematic. You may want to get a reference book, such as "The Brief English Handbook." It is inexpensive and can help you with punctuation, particularly as it applies to dialogue.

For example, you have the following paragraph:

“My name is Candace and I am not a giant.” I replied testily, a little cranky because I had always been the tallest in my class and I was sensitive about my height. “What is your name and what is the name of this place?”

What about changing it to read as follows:

         “My name is Candace and I am not a giant.” I replied testily, a little cranky because since I had always been the tallest in my class, and I was sensitive about my height.

         “What is your name and what is the name of this place?”

I think it reads a little better this way.

Final Thought

One final note, you have paragraph after paragraph of dialogue from the same character. I understanding he is telling the story to her, but it goes on for too long without a break. Frankly, I am not sure if the punctuation is done correctly, so you will need to look into this question. You might want to try breaking it up periodically. Have her shift in the seat, reach out and touch him, have both of them look towards a person or the place where a noise comes from. Dialogue is great, but it can be over used. Try to break it up more.

I think your writing has a lot of potential, as shown in this story. You just need to work on the mechanics.

Good luck and keep writing.

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Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
As with Chapter 1, I enjoyed reading the further adventures of Marjorie. It reads easily, and you do a great job of setting the scene.

I have just a couple of comments:

         *Bullet*With respect to formatting, I would double space between paragraphs. It makes it a little easier to read.

         *Bullet*Take a look at breaking up the dialogue a little differently. It helps with the suspense and drama. For example, you have the following paragraph:

         “Miss Ashford,” Principal Clarke began,” I have informed your father of your rebellious actions and we have come to an agreement.” I knew she was merely pausing for effect. Like she actually expected I would tremble from fear because she stopped talking. Good luck with that. “Keep in mind, Miss Ashford that you very well could be expelled for at least one year. You would have to repeat the entire senior year before being allowed to graduate.” She glanced at my father who nodded at her. That meant “please continue.” I’m sure he was dying to get out of there as soon as possible.

What if you broke it up as follows:

         “Miss Ashford,” Principal Clarke began,” I have informed your father of your rebellious actions and we have come to an agreement.”

         I knew she was merely pausing for effect. It was as ifLike she actually expected me toI would tremble from fear because she stopped talking. Good luck with that.

         “Keep in mind, Miss Ashford that you very well could be expelled for at least one year. You would have to repeat the entire senior year before being allowed to graduate.”

         She glanced at my father who nodded at her. That meant, “please continue.” I’m am sure he was dying to get out of there as soon as possible.

I think it's a little easier to read, and gives it a little more suspense.

         *Bullet*You use a lot of contractions. It is acceptable to do so, but use them sparingly. It sounds better when you use the full words (for example: did not) in the narrative sections, and use contractions (didn't) in the dialogue section because most people naturally speak that way.

I am looking forward to reading Chapter 3, to see what kind of trouble Marjorie can get into doing her community service.
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Review of A True Story!  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Lacey,

This story has so much potential, and I want so much to encourage you. But, I won't lie to you, it's got some serious problems.

The organization, sentence structure, grammar and dialogue are poor. There are appears to be no real thought put into the structure of the story. It is as if you just typed everything you could as fast as you could, and posted it. I can totally understand that, as this must have been very hard for you to write.

Now, what you need to do is go back and look at it from an organizational standpoint. Do an outline. Do you want to tell the story chronologically? With flashbacks? Is there another way it would be better organized?

What things belong together, what needs more explanation, what could be left out all together. For example, you start off with the statement that your family is insane. Most people say that, but you need to show it.

I know exactly where you are talking about, and when I tell people my mother is insane they laugh and say so is everyone's mom. And I say, no I mean it. She's been involuntarily committed 3 times. Of course, they give her meds, so they can't keep her past the 72 hour hold. So, you need to tell people why your family is crazy, and be specific with as much detail as possible.

Also, Grammatical and spelling errors are distracting from a great story. You start off bad. The brief description of your story has grammar and spelling errors. It says, "a story of my mothers abussive relationship with her family." Should read: "The story of my mother's abusive relationship with her family." That will discourage a lot of people from even reading it.

Personally, I think this is a much longer story than what you have written here, and should probably be done in Chapters.

There are a couple of very good review forums that can help you with all of these issues. The hotlink to the Review Forum Page is: http://www.writing.com/main/handler/item_id/178106...

Before submitting to any of those forums though, I would suggest that you try to work on an outline first. Spend a little more time thinking it through. Maybe try a re-draft.

Also, if you would like, take a look through my port. I have written stories based on incidents from my family. I have also included Part I of my book. So, take a look. And, be prepared for reviews where people say that what you have written makes no sense, couldn't have really happened, etc. But, you should also get some reviews that offer constructive criticism. I hope you consider this review in the latter category.

If you do revise this piece, be sure to let me know and I will be happy to review it for you again. Good luck and keep writing.
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Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really liked this story, and I liked the characters in it. Your descriptions are very detailed and help paint the picture in the mind of the reader.

My comments are as follows:

Format

The format of your story makes it difficult for the reader to few. Try double spacing between paragraphs. It really helps the reader’s eye as it moves across the page. In addition, depending on where a line ends, it appears jumbled and can confuse the reader.

Also, you have some bad paragraph and dialogue breaks, which cause confusion with respect to which character is speaking or acting. Dialogue is always easier to read when broken out properly. Take for example:

“You would punish me, Queen of Melanna, for killing a few humans?! What are you in my presence, but insignificant mortals who know little about the universe surrounding them.” The handsome young man smiled, his pearly whites glistening with the reflection of the moonlight.
“You will find that we in this village place a great value on each and every life, be it human or otherwise. You must atone for what you have done,” he said calmly, once again trying to convince the woman before him of his charm. Heralania tossed these efforts aside with as much care as a sanitation worker with his refuse. Cackling, she looked the two young men directly in their eyes, sending chills down both of their spines.

What about breaking it out as follows:

“You would punish me, Queen of Melanna, for killing a few humans?! What are you in my presence, but insignificant mortals who know little about the universe surrounding them.”

The handsome young man smiled, his pearly whites glistening with the reflection of the moonlight.

“You will find that we in this village place a great value on each and every life, be it human or otherwise. You must atone for what you have done,” he said calmly, once again trying to convince the woman before him of his charm.

Heralania tossed these efforts aside with as much care as a sanitation worker with his refuse. Cackling, she looked the two young men directly in their eyes, sending chills down both of their spines.

I think it is easier to read.


Consistency of Voice

In a couple of places, you change the language used by the character. For example, the first section of the story has this other/old worldly feel and language to it. Then suddenly you refer to a red sox homerun and a kindergartener’s wrist. (And I believe kindergartener’s is misspelled.) These are modern day terms, and are inconsistent with the other/old world voice you had been using.

In the second part, you have the boys referring to their father as father, daddy, dad, etc. The language they are talking in is urban and modern. Then all of a sudden at the end of the story they say, “For Papa.” Papa is more country/hickish term and does not sound like something they would say. Try something like for, “For Dad.” It would sound more true to the characters.

In addition, in the second part, you have the witch saying, “Welcome to the conversation.” Very flip, urban and modern. However, throughout the rest of the story you have her talking other/old worldly. It seems inconsistent and out of place.

Grammar/Sentence Construction

You end a number of sentences in prepositions and use many contractions. It is acceptable to use both, but use them sparingly. Maybe once or twice you cannot restructure the sentence or when using dialogue if it is the natural way people would speak.

You use “wanna” a lot. It became annoying in the way that someone uses “you know” all the time speaking. I would change it to “want to” or something else in at least a few spots.

In one sentence, you have a split infinitive. No, I’m not an English teacher, but for some reason it jumps out at me every time someone does it. I can’t explain it. It just does. The sentence ends with “which served to only irritate him.” Please, please for my sake change to “which only served to irritate.” Or something like that.

It is a little wordy at times. A couple of examples include: whether or not – whether is sufficient; continued on – continued is sufficient; and task at hand – task is sufficient.

You use passive voice quite a bit. Not a big issue, but another one you want to limit if you can. Moreover, active voice generally engages the reader more.

Just remember grammatical and typographical errors are distracting and can detract from a great story, so be sure to use all the tools (spell/grammar check and a careful proofreading) at your disposal to avoid them.

Keep writing and I look forward to reading more of you stories.
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Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Will keep short. Don't want to be a Ms. 251 Characters. Enjoyed. Point well taken. Reviews from Ms. 251 Characters not helpful. English your 3rd language. Your writing better than a lot of native English speakers, me included.
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Review of Chapter One  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Mandi,

Honestly, I can't think of a thing to change. Your description of the thoughts of a child who grows up with an alcoholic/abusive parent, or parents as the case may be, is spot on.

A few examples are how you describe Brianna keeping her head down and trying to work on her homework even though she knows there isn't a chance that she will because she can already smell the alcohol on her dad. Or how you describe her listening to her mother crying and begging her father to stop.

I will say I did wonder if Brianna felt any relief at her father's departure also.

I look forward to reading the next chapter.

Casey
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Review of Apocalyptic Soul?  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This story is so well written. It accurately portrays the feelings of a person physical, sexually and emotionally abused by a loved one.

It describes the fear of getting help, the fear of being judged by others for what happened to you, and the fear you are just like your abuser no matter what you do or how hard you try.

It also describes the longing for the attention and care your abuser gives you, even though you know what your abuser does along with that attention and care is is wrong. The feeling it is your fault because some part of you wanted it to happen.

Finally, it describes the depression one feels and the comfort that comes from playing the victim role until one day you think you don't have the strength to go on. Then, comes the desire to end your life and, in doing so, end the almost unbearable pain you feel every day.

I hope many, many, many other people read this story so that they can gain the knowledge and insight it provides about the destructive nature of abuse.
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