I think your formatting got messed up when it was posted, as I assume these are supposed to be all quadruplets. Might just want to check that out, 3rd stanza only has a triplet, it will make the piece flow better.
Another issue that I find with this is with the rhyming, you have created a rhythm, and then you drop it out of nowhere. Its just another flow problem. There are just some simple inconsistencies. The 7th stanza is the hardest for me, personally. You have all these stanzas with short, almost choppy lines, and then you throw in a much longer line at the end of this one. I would also add punctuation to help guide the reader some, but that is more a matter of personal preference I think.
You have a great idea, and portray a strong, yet vulnerable character. I think this piece needs some work, but you have a good foundation.
As always, this is YOUR piece, and my opinions are only meant to be helpful. Have a great day, and write on!
-CN
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