First and foremost, very sexy story. I liked it. The substance craving Dakota has is expertly depicted here, as well as the attitude. Very likable from the start. However, there seems to be some struggle with moving from one scene to the next. The thoughts and dialogue are all excellent, but the descriptions are a tad vague, or the details tend to derail the story pacing, and the actions seem slightly mechanical in certain areas.
I love the theme, though. And Dakota exudes confidence. The grammar and spelling is all very awesome, too.
It's just the way certain scenes are organized. Some details seem to throw off the discussion between the characters. Perhaps it would have been more appropriate to have Dakota dance around the area, so that the reader is set up with most of the key location information. Talking with a coworker? Finishing up with an old client?
Of course, this is all just some suggestions. Feel free to disregard this review. ( :
The author always knows what's best.
Maybe getting all of the location details out of the way first, or naturally through different parts of the scenes, will help make room for more actions and dialogue between Dakota and Jared. Moving the characters and the story forward, while delicious where it happened, could do for some attention, and carefully choosing where it's appropriate to describe the locations, characters or other stuff that's not actively moving the story forward, might help as well.
But that's just me, and it's certainly not a big deal. The story stands very strong on it's own right now, tastefully done. Very clever flirting.
That's all I got, I think. Have a wonderful day!
: D
This is very well written overall, with good grammar and decent spelling. I love the effort and work put into this, and I can see how much progress you made with it. That's all awesome. ( :
However, the title is slightly misleading. I like the emotional distress of the piece, you're very adept at conveying tension and hopelessness in Hazel's character. However, I'm not sure how this is supposed to be a "Rise of a warrior." Just something that confused me.
Also, there's some vagueness about the story that makes it a kind of foggy adventure to delve into. I like it, don't get me wrong, but perhaps in future edits or drafts, you could add just a bit more. A tantalizing taste of what else is going on.
Your writing leaves me craving more. There's a lot of questions that could be good, but could do with a little attention. We could, for instance, elaborate what's going on.
Who's Dr. Matheson? What does he look like? Where is Hazel? What does she look like? Is she at home? How many friends does she have, if any? Does she have family? Is she young, or old? Does her condition effect any of her relationships, other than with Dr. Matheson?
Of course, you're the author of this story and you can feel free to ignore everything in this review. This is just suggestions, and the author always knows what's best. I just wanted to help out. : )
Have a wonderful day!
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