I think this in an interesting start that could be filled out into a fun longer piece.
I find this wordy, as if I have stumbled onto a rough copy. For example, with I slip stealthily away, the weak adverb can be removed without changing the meaning. There's too much description for my liking.
I love the phrase wraithlike ghost of an erased image. It's one of the best lines in this piece.
This is an interesting read. You paint a lovely picture of your writer self, although in the latter half, seem to give yourself a reason to procrastinate by cleaning.
I did feel this piece was a little wordy. I'm not sure if the long descriptions or the long sentences that make me feel like that
I like the way you relate your own thoughts on writing to the rest of the writing world with references to Anais Nin and The Bridges. Interesting perspective.
I think this is an interesting survey. We don't often consider the scope of members here at writing.com. I can imagine it might be intimidating to feel you are in the small minority here.
I was a little unsure about where the forums would be located. Would they be started as a group on our site or just as a forum accessible by anyone. I felt like I was missing some information to really know what you are doing with these two polls.
I like the unnamed husband. The small bit of speaking he does tells a lot about him.
I was a little bored by your main character. I didn't feel any panic, anger or resentment from her. That gave me no reason to care about her. Emotion makes a character breathe. This piece could be improved by shortening some of the sentences. For example, your opening sentence should really be two sentences. Suashi had often wondered how cows felt as they were dragged to the slaughter house, now she didn’t have to wonder anymore because she felt like a cow that was being dragged to its death.
Keep working on this piece. It has a lot of potential.
This is a very honest piece. I like reading writers' views on the subject of writing. I find it easy to relate to a lot of your points. Writing is about life. Enjoyable read!
I like the action of the older woman trying to pull her away from the casket. Her tone and action is very believable. Everyone staring at the girl at the casket fits well.
I had trouble with your main character. Her speech is too grandiose for me. I don't know anyone who speaks like that, especially not when they are grieving. It sounded to me like words spoken in a cold tone.
Leaving a blank line between paragraphs would make this easier to read.
You used some great phrases that really show movement well: lumbered by and skidded to a stop, causing a large cloud of dust to rise from the road.
I dislike the flashback in the middle of your story about his exchange with Bucky. It's such a short story that I found this distracting from the race. I also didn't find all of the language at a level like children speak. For example, in a children's story, You tricked me last year, causing me to lose the race would probably be written as "you tricked me last year and I lost the race".
Anniversaries do tend to bring out the introspective side of people. I like the way you detail the moments leading up to the news of his death. I can see the impact this event had on you. You also post some great questions about how one person could made the world different.
One correction: John Lennon was shot and killed 25 years ago today 1980. Should that be "in 1980".
I love when you use more powerful verbs. I ranted and raved until my mind was a blank slate. This is showing, not telling. You paint a believable picture of a man trying to medicate his grief and his withdrawal. I understand that.
There are a lot of passive sentences and weak verbs which could be tightened up. For example, I knew she was dying, but I had convinced myself. Don't be afraid to be direct.
I like the way the cat bridges the way to the man finding his life again. Pets can have amazing rehab qualities in their company.
I found the shopkeeper's formality with him regarding the cat a little unbelievable. I didn't know why he would be like that. You had not mentioned if the man was someone of importance before losing his wife.
I love to read writer's own account of important steps in their development. I think it can be an important resource to look back on when you get discouraged if things aren't going so well.
The one thing that stands out for me on the technical side is your reliance/affinity for the word that. It's a word often used as filler and can be removed many times without changing the meaning.
I'm glad you found value in your writing course. Keep writing! You'll get those good reviews and know now.
I like some of the descriptions of the actions, like I stuffed it in my mouth and He crunched the entire handful. They are accurate and don't rely on weak language to make the point.
This piece is emotionless. I contemplated stopping after the first paragraph because it felt so mechanical. This happened, then this, then this. I kept reading because the piece was short. You need to show, not tell, what was going on.
I love your opening sentence. It's a good hook to draw readers into the piece and isn't a desciption that has been used a hundred times before. I like the increasing tension as he heads to his wife's office: the pounding in his head, trouble breathing, the co-workers looking over their cubicle walls. It builds well.
I found the amount of detail about people other than him in the first three paragraphs distracting. I read it more than once to try to sort out what was important.
Watch those typos
* couple of Blue upholstered lounge chairs (no capital)
* Every since
* Can I help you sir, (comma before name, question mark at end}
Your ending has a wonderful twist. I love to be surprised by a well-worded ending.
I think this scene could be a good beginning for a longer piece. At this point, it's a scene and the characters aren't filled in at all. I find her very cold though and that was effective for me.
I find this piece pretty emotionless. Even when he is supposed to be speaking with conviction at the end, I didn't believe it. It doesn't help that some of the sentences are weak, relying on extra words. For example, Halting her inspection of the place she glanced briefly over at me. The first words I crossed out don't add anything. I think it's evident what she is inspecting. Glances are brief so adding the adjective is redundant.
It makes me curious how he goes from wanting her to like it to wanting the apt more because she won't stay. There is so much more you can do with this. If you add to it, please let me know!
This is a nice distraction. There is never a bad time to sit and focus on chocolate in its many forms and associations.
There were a few words in your puzzle I didn't associate with chocolate, like cherry ripe and freddo. (Actually, I don't know what freddo is). Favourite is spelled with two "v"s in your puzzle; I found that careless.
I really enjoyed reading this piece. I can relate to the cabin-fever of being locked up inside during winter, especially in my case where it is Canadian winter. The tone of this feels like we are sitting at the table together while you tell me about your winters. I think that works well.
There were a few phrases that didn't make sense to me. I don't know if that is simple geographic difference or typos. For example, your hands whelp up and long about December were phrases I had to guess on the meaning of.
There are some creative lines in this that I thought were wonderful, like forced-air heat deals my sinuses fits. Good work!
I like the exhange between Megan and the narrator when she is sick. Megan's stubborn insistence to talk like things are normal is believable. The narrator's frustration with her inability to help with the kidney and her family's same inability to help is well done.
I find this piece very wordy. I'm guessing that was intended to keep the tone casual, but it makes it hard to follow. I felt like I was being given more information than I needed. The first section is about two girls in third person and, in the second, it is suddenly first person and I have no idea who. Then in the next section, Megan is 23 after being 10 in the opening section. This piece also alternates between past and present tense, especially in the second half. I rated the story down because it wasn't proofread and isn't more than a rough first draft.
Leaving a blank line between paragraphs would make this easier on the eye to read and help your readers understand where the breaks are.
One of my favourites lines is this: Megan lived her life. I felt like mine was being a stubborn ass about starting up. It really stood out for me.
Your descriptions are very colourful and interesting. I was happy you didn't fall to cliches or overused descriptions I would recognize.
The ending of the story felt weak. The pace is very different and I had to read it twice to guess what you were going for. It felt a little too quick and easy.
I'm not sure why you labelled this as "other". It could be classified as a short story which may help you get more views.
I love that you give yourself the licence to dip your pen into a variety of genres. Sometimes that helps you to see where your strongest possibilities for publishing lie. I know it's hard to juggle school and writing, but I've been there (BA, history) and know it's possible. You'll get there.
I love that you add updates to each post as you get the results back. With each post being a separate submission, it works well.
Try not to get discouraged in your quest for publication. Obviously no one likes to get rejections, but was there anything in those notices that you can learn from? You will get where you want to be. Try to be patient and persistent.
I like the emotion in the way the mother speaks of the gift from her son and how careful she had been with it. That part was the most powerful part to me.
However, I have to note two things that bothered me. The opening paragraph didn't hook me. There isn't any emotion to open. I also found in the first half, there isn't much change in tempo. One sentence has a fragment at the end while the next is a compound sentence with "and" in the middle.
I like the title you chose. That was what attracted me to this piece in the first place!
This piece feels very emotionless. I didn't get the impression they care about each other at all. I think that works well.
I was disappointed to find this reads like a piece that wasn't proofread. There are a number of sentences without proper punctuation at the end and many runon sentences. I also felt there was too much dialogue attribution; it contributes to some of the wordiness.
I enjoyed this piece. Truth can be really simple ideas you don't have to search far to find.
There are some sentences I think could have been more direct and less wordy. I understand you are going for a casual tone, but I don't think wordiness is the only way to keep that tone.
The humour at the end was a nice touch. Sometimes people get too serious about finding truth.
I like the pacing of the piece. The slowness fits well with the somber mood you have created. The push to go a little further is an easy one for me to relate to. We've all wanted something out of reach. I feel like your character is someone I want to know about.
However, I felt this was a little wordy in places, especially in spots where you repeat phrases. For example:
the thought of stopping never crossed his mind. He knew that he could not permanently escape, but the thought of being found deadened by exhaustion
I felt like you were trying to intentionally use bigger and fancier words when the 25 cent version would suffice.
Question: What is he pushing himself so hard for? I wondered if he was terminally ill and this was his way of reminding himself he was alive. Yet, maybe it was nothing more than recharging his batteries and letting off stress.
I think it's effective the way you name your characters, but define that you won't give their real names as it would impart an assumption of knowledge they lack.
This piece didn't make sense to me. It's very wordy and especially repetitive in parts. The opening turned me off. I understand the intention was to emphasize the house size, but I felt beaten over the head by that. I also found the first half and the second half were very different in tone; the first half has an involved narrator with a casual tone while the second half relies on character dialogue.
What a great way to plug your own work and to help promote the sense of community here! I'm happy to share the spotlight and help another author get one more bit of exposure. I think this will be very positive!
I hope you get a lot of traffic in your new forum! Good work!
Meg
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/carmen16
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 5:02am on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
