I love this piece - the style is compelling, it is like I almost sang along to it. What a way to tell a life story, I feel like I know your through and through. You say it is a template... how did that work - pass it on!
I am from eighteen different schools, more towns and homes than I can count and too many long-forgotten “Best Friends Forever”.
I can really relate to this line - sounds like my life.
Thank you for this piece - really, really, well done
bugzy
What a great story. I loved the ending... didn't see that coming. Very well written, descriptive and I was right there traveling along with you.
Here are just a few little typos for you, just in case - and remember to turn off the ratings for the contest. I get mixed up with commas and periods with dialog, but I think I am correct in my suggestions here....
“What are you having?” she asked him ... needs a period after him.
“Well, what I usually have, the kielbasa and kraut seniors special”..s/b senior's special.
“Mkay, give me the menus,” she curtly demanded, and snatched them from our hands, as she did a military turn around and walked away.... unless this is slang i think you meant to say okay
“No, I used to live in Clarenceville, but after my wife died, I moved in with my daughter.” he said..comma after daughter
his eyes were welling, and I did not want those green eyes to cry. I tried to lighten the mood...he needs a capital
he paused for a moment,..needs a capital for he and prob a new paragraph would work better too
As He sawed away at his overcooked kielbasa...he shouldnt be a capital
“Yes, I know what you mean.” s/b a comma not period
Hope these are helpful - good luck in the contest. This was a great read!
cheers
bugzzzzy
Very compelling piece. This is a tragic tale and I read it right through without even taking a sip of my tea.
I enjoy your writing style. It is very clear and unafraid. You take on controversial subjects and bring them right to our faces. Well done.
I'll be back again... congrats on the poetry book - how exciting!!
cheeers
bugz
hmmm.. what a lovely read. I am very well aware of guided imagery - for many reasons, one that I teach yoga, but have used it often in my life.
This is very well done, and yes I was right there along with you in your travels. Very sensual, I could feel all the sensations from bitter cold to the warm breeze touching me deeply inside... wow
A couple of typos and suggestions.. if you are for it ( just can't help myself)
.... It has snowed, again. this sentence seems redundant too me as you just said in the previous line that it is a snowy day
..... You drive carefully over the slippery patches of frozen goo that clings to the car's fenders like a mud flavored icee. ... since patches is plural, clings should be cling and ice s/b ice
..... you are a huge fan of the 'comma' but... haha.. you have quite a few too many. I am no expert but in a sentence for instance just like the very last one, At this instant, you can imagine no happier place - you really do not need it.
You write like me, you like to combine a lot of thoughts without using and - my editor of my novel is having a hay day with me right now about it and insists that I am wrong... waa... so when I find out who wins, I will let you know, but I think it will not be me.
Lastly and this is petty and probably just a matter of how this was originally typed and transposed here.. there are a lot of extra spaces between sentences and a couple between paragraphs.
Other than that... great read.. wish I understood cars and I would read more - and would fix my own car which is poochy right now.. but will see what else tickles my fancy in your port
This poem is amazing... I love the way you have written in this style. Your words have a lot of meaning and it flows so succinctly.
Thank you for sharing this.
cheers
bugzy
hahaha oh yes the internet is an addiction of the sneakiest kind - whether good or bad, I think the jury is out on that one!!
I am definitely one of the 'addicts' and feel that you wrote this for quite a few of us on here!
Good luck in the contest
cheers
bugzy
What a lovely story, very well written. You bring the reader right along with you with your very descriptive style of writing.
It was a tragedy to be sure. But there is a lot of compassion to be felt for the main character.
A couple of minor typos....
. He moved back so that only his hands still rested on her wait.... s/b waist
The soft gentl curve from her hip,... s/b gentle
And for dialog.... "I love you." he said huskily. The I love you is followed by a comma not a period.
I like this one best of all your work so far. Fairy Tales are alas not part of my life either, although admittedly in some ways the life of a dreamer seems more attractive. Ignorance is bliss, does have a certain appeal.
Well done again, I hope you have more.
cheers
bugzy
This is very well written touching on a sad topic, most of us can relate to. I loved the line... you failed to return to finish our song.
The emotions of sadness pours from this page and brings your reader right there along with you.
Well done
cheers
bugzy
ahhh, I didn't feel this was so light hearted, made me sad. Love is a messed up thing even in the best of days, i guess!
This is well written and does have a light sing-songy rhyme but sorrowful all the same.
Welcome here, hope you have enjoy yourself
cheers
bugzy
What a fabulous story. I read right through until the end. Full of insight and learnings everyone can aspire to. The story flowed well, just enough descriptors - brought me right there.
I lived in San Salvador for 3 years and so was reminded of my time there as well - did you mean for it to take place in that city?
Just one punctuation error that I noted... “Supper starts at 5:00 - you do not need the quotation as it is a continuation of the previous sentence.
Welcome here and let me know if you need any help wandering around
Very well written. Saddens me though... I was just talking about hitchhiking the other day with someone on here actually, saying it still holds a romantic notion for me and I wished I had hitchhiked across the country - but alas for the 'dangers'
So again I am .. ahem.. reminded - not such a good idea
Thanks!
cheers
bugzy
This is cute and speaks to all of us who would love to be a fly on the wall at some point.. we all have!!
I was thinking too of a story I heard from an little old lady I knew, who confessed one day under great diress to having put dirt in her brother's tea when they were little because she was mad at him!! He drank and never know but here she was 70 years later still tormented... poor soul!
NO typos... that I can see... well done
Cheers
judy
This is precious, lovely and although sleep eluded you, those thoughts were worth staying awake for.
My fav parts:
*Although you are miles away, I can feel you near me, and a single tear trickles down my cheek.
* now behind lidded eyes I see your face
Nothing I would change ,no typos.. hope you were not too tired the next day!
cheers
judy
Really well written, I love it.
I especially like... speak written word, not your mind
and
as the comfort we seek is not in the pleasure we find
Very true and well said
Couple of suggestions if I may??
3rd line, I would make one sentence with a comma instead
7th line - I would take out 'as'
8th line - could start with a capital
9th line - In could be in
Great story, well written. The only sentence that didn't seem to flow for me was " the makeup I'd carefully applied before I left this morning covered whatever that might still show. " perhaps you don't need the 'that'
Other than that, I didn't see any other typos.
I enjoyed your story, thank you for sharing.
cheers
judy
Very powerful poem, well written. It seems a little too wordy in a few spots, so may could take out extra word,in the first two lines and like beg, borrow and even steal....
Just my thoughts... congratulations on getting it published!
well done
cheers
judy
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