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Review of The One I Loathe  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter 1" Open in new Window.
Review by ChristyGirl11 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Frenchie,

I'm a newbie, and checking out the shameless promotion page for the first time. I checked out a couple things before I found yours. I'm way past being a YA (I'm in my 30s) but I still love reading about teens and their misadventures.

You've got a good start. I love the first person POV. Both Sophie and Trent have strong personalities, and you make it clear that they are different. That's something I have a problem with in my own writing. I've got a male and female charachter in my current piece, but somehow their voices sound the same.

I'm not sure what you're looking for in the way of feedback. I saw a couple minor things that caught my notice as I read. (I'll start at the end and make my way up.

You wrote: “I know”

With that she hung up. In an odd way I found that so attractive.

I would do it this way: "I know," she said and hung up. To me it sounds smoother.

You wrote: And Abby was a whiny, little, brat
Eliminate the commas.

I saw a couple little punctuation errors, but nothing major.

I like your descriptions. Just enough to salt and pepper the piece. Audrey reminds me of Lindsey Haun's charachter in "Broken Bridges."

I'll keep reading. You've got a strong start. Very well written.
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