This piece sounds like it could be lyrics for a song, with the parts about the baptism of rain making for an especially moving sentiment and scene. There are so many emotions involved when a person seeks God's forgiveness and you capture the wideness of these feelings very well here. I like how you rhyme within lines, as it adds an engaging rhythm to the piece.
The sequence of events is worth noting as well as the individual is first out of luck and desperate for help, then the desperation has to overwhelm the person and show their need for God, after which the person bow and prays and humbles himself before God, then the baptism is introduced, experienced and completed. The work is done and the person is made new. Thank you for sharing this piece.
I truly enjoyed the imagery you used in this poem: a spirit dancing on the foam of the sea, angel tears created a rainbow-shaped dome. There is an overwhelming sense of sadness and grief in this piece and the emotions are so powerful that the reader gets drawn into the situation and begins to sympathize with the souls involved; similarly though, the readers can also experience the brilliant singing the author seems to have heard as well, so there is yet hope even in this sad scenario. A very moving piece.
Wow, this is such a sad story. I am sorry to hear that Tim did not make it, but it is encouraging to hear about how you dislogued with God about maintaining your composure and doing your best to resuscitate him. I can only imagine how I would have reacted in that scene. I suspect that even if I were trained in CPR, I would still go through some of those same mental exercises to try and keep myself calm as I attempted to bring the person back to life. Those moments in this piece seem exceptionally real. Thank you for the reminder that all is in God's hands, no matter what we do ourselves.
Indeed, we must be careful never to forget what has happened in the past, and take those memories and somehow use them to make us stronger and more resilient rather than sad and afraid. This poem is encouraging and something that people can empathize with even if they are not from London or did not know anyone who was a victim in the bombings.
Suggestions:
--You lose the rhyme with calm/harm in the third stanza and considering how your poem flows otherwise, it is a bit jarring. Also, in the fourth stanza, while you do maintain the rhyming pattern, the flow is derailed in the third and fifth lines with the extra phrases. One of the strengths of your piece is that it flows and succinctly lists one idea or notion per line, but with these two lines you insert two ideas and in both cases, your poem really fares well without the first part of each line. I would suggest removing "hands healed" and "with death" as the words that follow each of these actually work better within your poem
I think you're on to something with this piece. This indeed would seem to be the most difficult of the six big questions to answer effectively, and I feel that's the one part of your essay where I disagree with you as I think a fair number of creationists and evolutionists can point to why they feel the way they do. Of course if we're just ignoring the folks who say things like "Because," then I can understand the statement more fully, and maybe that's part of the point you are trying to make, that a number of people don't actually have a developed notion for why they believe one way or the other. Good piece otherwise.
This is an encouraging, inspirational piece that I am sure many folks have found pleasure in reading. The message of love being the greatest gift and invention--though not exactly original--is still something we need to be reminded of daily, so thanks for sharing that with us.
Suggestions:
--Be careful to put punctuation inside quotes when necessary.
--Watch for improper use of commas and semi-colons. The commas you place after "happy," "giving" and "invention" don't need to be there. The same is true of the semi-colon you use after the word "cheer."
What a picturesque piece! I have something of an urge to take a hot air balloon ride now. The flow of your poem is very languid and majestic, just as I imagine it felt to be up in the sky like that. I have parasailed once before, so I have an idea about the wonders of which you speak and you convey the beauty of it all very well. I especially liked this couplet:
Morning mists swirl beneath us
as fingers of light grasp receding night
Your line about the Canad(ian) geese questioning your presence made me smile too, as I could picture such a moment in my mind.
Suggestions for improvement:
--Unless there is an alternate spelling I have not seen before, "trailor" ought to be "trailer"
--"Canada geese" I believe should be "Canadian geese." I could be wrong here, but it reads awkwardly the way you currently have it.
Sounds like you have a fun idea set up here, getting folks to be reviewers if they like doing it so much. Thanks for giving us an opportunity to engage in an activity we enjoy!
There is an interesting dichotomy in this piece regarding wind and the associations one can put with it. On the one hand you show wind as being something light and enjoyable that carries fun and fantasy away into nothingness, which in essence is what fantasy in on some level; on the other hand, the hissing, breezy winds that swirl about you at the beginning seem to steel you as you stand in defiance of this person who can no longer use you--the chill seems to ground you in reality and cause your mind to be clear about what must be done. Good work.
I thank you for sharing this piece with us because there are far too many people in this world who do not take a chance on love because it means they have to make themselves open to the possibility of getting hurt and that scares them too much. We need more people to encourage us like this.
Some suggestions:
--You misuse the word "too" in a number of instances in this piece of yours. "Too" means also, while "to" is more of a directional word that hints at who the comment is being directed towards. Read your piece again and make the appropriate distinctions in each case.
--Also, sentences that are questions need to end with question marks. You missed one near the end when asking if love is worth it in spite of the pain that eventually comes with it, so look out for that one.
--Tremendousness is not a word.
--You misspelled "but" toward the beginning of your piece.
--"But in the moments that it dies not..." A bit confusing what you're saying here. Reorganize this opening so that it makes sense.
People all over the world struggle with who they are and what their purpose on Earth is, so I believe a number of people will relate to this piece. Additionally, as we are all writers here (or at the very least, avid readers), we can relate to some of the questions and doubts that this person has as she considers the possibility of growing up to be a writer. All she needs is encourgament, just like we do.
There is a lot for people to latch onto in this piece: overcoming internal and external critics, ignoring those people in life who despise you simply because you still know how to dream while they are unable to, contemplating how people end up in various stations in life. You touch on a lot of good material in this piece.
The last line of this poem is the clincher, as it is entirely appropriate to this piece in ways that it wouldn't normally be. This wholly engrossing experience has clearly touched you and you take the reader through your various emotions as the notes on the piano are played Good job.
I think a lot of people can relate to the feelings in this piece, as everyone has had one of those "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days" (to steal a quote from a poem I once heard).
A couple of suggestions:
--Always capitalize "I"
--Watch capitalization in the last two lines. "Give" shouldn't be capitalized, and from the flow of the couplet it feels like "this" ought to be.
--Also, you might want to consider revising the poem so that it either rhymes throughout or not at all, as the strecthes of rhyming and non-rhyming are somewhat jarring. Just a thought.
This piece is interesting because while it makes sense, it's not completely clear what this is referring to. Maybe it's meant to be more general.
I think people can relate to being pulled in various directions by other people; whether it's people wanting their time, their money, etc. It can be taxing, but sometimes it doesn't even bother you until it's too late, and when these people won't return the favors you have done for them, then you're left out in the cold.
Heh, I can relate to a lot of these feelings about summer. I grew up in California, but now I live in Washington state, so the summer (when it comes) is mighty inviting because I know that, as you suggest, the cold comes much too soon. Reminds me of the need to bask in the warmth and sunshine while it's still here.
This person's life has changed and the future is uncertain and uncomfortable. This woman has left his life (has she merely left him though, or has she died?) and things look bleak and suffocating for him. And then to see the spot where they first kissed...the pain of the situation becomes more palpable as he thinks back to perhaps his first and best memory with her. Good job.
There are some interesting things going on in this poem. There seems to be a theme of empowerment in a world of uncertainty, knowing that things can come crashing down and so it is best to move forward with your head held high regardless of what anyone thinks.
But there also seems to be a question of whether anyone notices you or what you notice, and it is intriguing that the narrator believe they will finally be noticed once the world fades away and all things are invisible...by blending into nothing like evryone/thing else, they will somehow become noticeable, or maybe it's just that others will finally be able to see like the narrator does.
This is a nice piece. It's written rather like a letter to someone you haven't seen for a long while, and the fondness you have for your grandmother is still quite apparent.
A few corrections/misspellings:
--"Way" in your third sentence should be "away"
--"lightening" is actually "lightning"
--"suddenelly" is "suddenly"
--"though" in the second to last sentence should be "through"
This is an interesting poem, as it posits the idea that art should not be devoid of meaning, even if it is not complete. It has to be reaching for or striving toward something, even if it be something seemingly trivial, otherwise why else does it exist in any form at all, whole or incomplete? A unique idea--thanks for sharing it!
I like the simplicity of this piece in its request for assiatnce from God. It isn't lengthy and it doesn't ramble and stumble over itself, trying to sound more important than it really needs to be; it is honest, it is straightforward, it is candid. Good job.
I'm left to wonder how much of this relates to the human experience of loneliness and how much (if any )actually relates to what a caged animal in a zoo might feel. Loneliness is a devastating feeling and you describe very well how we try and cover that feeling so that people around us won't see us hurt--the irony being that we want to be noticed, and if we were noticed, we would probably be seen in our deflated state. Good job.
This is the sort of poem that makes me wish more people longed for this sort of connection with their children these days. It just seems like more and mroe people are filled with worry and dread and perhaps even bitterness about the circumstances surrounding a child's impending birth, that to read this warm piece warms my heart as I am sure it will warm the hearts of others. Very encouraging stuff!
Some good images here. The sad nature of this poem is captured well in descriptions like the sorrowful melodies the muse sings, not to mention in the image of a rose cutting through her skin (something beautiful causing pain and suffering in another). This story has a dreamy quality to it when "milky moonbeams" are mentioned, and that gives this piece an otherworldly effect.
A good micro story. Perhaps the most interesting aspect is that of the wounded enemy soldiers sharing a brief moment before we are led to believe that they pass on. How many stories have involved scenes where enemies have actually found common ground in facing each other? I like that aspect of this piece the most. Despite whatever differences they may have, they are both human, they both bleed and they are both mortal. Good job.
This is a really informative piece that not only answers the question directly of why you write, but it even gives us back story of your life to help us understand your motives for writing.
Your comments are vulnerable and honest, something which can be scary for the average person to do, and yet it seems to give you added strength by the tone I imagined while reading this. Commenting on Chuck Palahniuk's influence on you as a writer is an especially good point because it does the age old trick of showing us rather than telling us how to make the connection. Thank you for sharing this.
This review was written by a "Reviewathon Reviewer!"
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