"too happy for the weather" I thought this felt a little awkward. Do you mean her tone would be too cheerful for a job as a weather forecaster or do you mean she sounds too happy considering the bad weather. I noticed you write "adjusting her volume over the heavy wind" so Im going to guess its bad weather. In that case I think we need to know that there is heavy wind and that we are outside.
"with the reputation and standing of the company in the scientific world she had imagined a vast research centre with laboratories surrounded by greenery and possibly a lake in the grounds. "
- This sentence could be improved. Maybe somthing like the following.
The company's reputation and standing in the scientific world was great, she had imagined a vast research center with laboratories surrounded by greenery and possibly a lake in the grounds. But the large circular courtyard where she now stood in the drizzle and the sky as grey as her new home "
Somtimes you have to be careful with how you begin sentences. e.g "Being in a dilapidated condition, I was able to buy the house very cheap."
That sentence could be misunderstood to mean that the person speaking was in a dilapidated condition and not the house. Have you read Strunk and Whites - Elements of Style? Its available online if you search for it. You'll find lots of handy grammar rules in there and its a short read.
You have some nice character details that I liked. 'The receptionist looked up from her nails and smiled at Amy, a knowing smile that signified Mr Bothams exited demeanour must be the norm. '
One final point. The first chapter of a book should always be the one that introduces the main conflict of the story. It should grab us and make us want to read on. You have left the nature of the company and the job a mystery and thats good because it makes me wonder what kind of a job Amy is applying for. But maybe you could foreshadow the conflict a little before we continue to chapter two because right now the only thing keeping us reading is the mystery of what the company does
Hope I've helped, Keep Writing
-BOTD
" ought to live in an insane asylum" is narrators opinion (makes the narrator biased)
"The captain" ,I like this, it makes him more interesting but when did he start calling himself that. I'd like to know why?. Did he used to be a boat captain and the title stuck.
I'm interested, i want to know more about his house of torture devices. Im interested to hear more about the captain too. whats his career.
The most amazing part of the charade was that he didn’t even spare his family
I didn't think " most amazing" was the right word choice here. I would have said "cruelest"
"rancid butt" is also bias on the narrators part. If the narrator was a character in the story with a hatred for this man then you could use describe him like that otherwise opinions should be left to the reader.
Peter somtimes cried. He ached for a real relationship, realfriends. He did not want to be condemmened to die alone..
- This seems like a total contradiction to me considering what I've just read. To me it sounded as though The Captain
had plenty of victims for his cruelty and torture, even using his family, but now suddenly we're hearing about a soft sentimental side. How can a man take pleasure in torturing people while at the same time seeking their friendship?
He wondered if some beggar would wander in and use the soap-;ike substance as actual soap
- Are you asking, would a beggar use his corpse as soap ?... I don't think anyone would do that unless you were very very strange.
Here I have to apologize because from this point on I was "completely" lost. i didn't understand the story. I read the story description at the top of the page. "A heartless man meets his downfall after years of psychologicaly torturing his loved ones.". When I reached this part "Peter had rooms chock-full of psychological torture devices which were very cleverly disguised" I was interested because to me this could only mean that Peter had a house of actualy pysical torture devices that he would use on people but now im not so sure that's correct
I think I would need you to explain the story to me before I can really properly review..
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