Hmm. Must have been tedious composing such a finicky one. I was not aware of abcedarius poem, but thanks to you, I know it now. It would not be proper to leave a critique of the poem since it is constrained by contest prompts. Winter is beautiful, and that has been described with vivid detail. I like the lines-
"Quiet speaks volumes to
responsive ears, telling
secrets to those who listen."
Some observations-
1) The line "Quiet speaks volumes to" has five syllables instead of seven (Quiet/speaks/ vol/umes/ to).
2) I'm not sure "'xcept those who reject" is considered starting from X.
3)The phrase "Yield to presence" seems perfunctory, and appears to have inserted
only to maintain the quorum.
I know it is tough to compose such a poem, but I have pointed out whatever seemed like commendable and correctable to my limited mind. Thanks for the read. Keep writing.
People will nag you persistently for what you are- be it good or bad, that is the way of the world. But, to keep growing as a human being with love, respect and tolerance for others in the best path. self-sufficiency is the most important thing for survival which erases dependence upon others. Your poem is fraught with belligerent attitude towards those who want to tumble you down. I liked your poem.
Some observations-
1) The poem has logical progression which flows smoothly.
2) There is a spelling issue in the 3rd line. It should be Buffoon.
3) I think , in the line "I won't, not if I get hit", there should be an "even" added in front of "if".
4) I liked the lines "They thought they knew how to survive in the woods.
I live in the woods" which represents the whole poem.
5) The lines "They thought a mile was a lot,
So I ran two" presents the recriminating effect.
6) The poem has punctuation problem here and there. In spite of them being silly mistakes, they serve to demur the poem. And finally
the line "They may have wisdom from they're years" also has grammatical error.
The feelings that you have presented in the poem exists in most of us in this present scenario- disbelief in god, lack of love, Pyrrhic work eluding success etc. I enjoyed the lines " i have a woman that loves me but shell be gone soon
my life will then return to its normal monsoon ".
We all have take the next step for it might blur our existence. Thanks for the read. Keep writing.
The lines seems like a voyage to an unknown destination, far away from our monotonous life, to a place where silence is golden and filled with tranquility. But the final lines presents a paradox as "To my woe...Let me sleep" signifies death and decadence. The second line "What say you to a moment of ecstasy?" has grammatical error, which I think, should have been "What do you say to a moment of ecstasy?" Keep writing. Thanks for the read.
You have already expressed your love in an indirect way, acknowledging that description of love or expression often lead to commonplace utterances- bent trees, whisper of grasses, silent night etc because the likes of Shakespeare have already used those phrases abundantly. I liked the ingenuity of the poem. Thanks for the read. Keep writing.
Sometimes presence is more comforting than just words of consolation; silence, more caring than being in crowd. We all need moments of solitude when we can just speculate about our life, forgetting the din and bustle of our tedious life. I believe the poem talks about this. We know that God is with us just like the friends; so we have to carry on regardless of their presence. i liked your poem. Keep writing. thanks for the read.
"Nature never betrays the heart that loved her"( from wordsworth's Tintern Abbey) and your poem is also Wordsworthian. We never forget what we once cherished, be it friendship or Nature; its constant yearning makes us crave for more. I liked your poem. Keep writing.
To submit before god is probably the best recourse for a man who is suffering from a setback, and especially when he/she has no one to palliate him/her. The problem posed in the start is resolved by making peace with god, with a tinge of healthy optimism. A year ago, the speaker lost something or some misfortune had befallen upon him/her. Thus, I hope the speaker is showered with benediction from above.
Some suggestions (only if you deem it relevant and necessary, otherwise you should ignore). The first line "The Ocean so deep in my disappointment" (I think) seems out-of-context as the metaphor/imagery of ocean is not substantiated or is not befitting the line. If you had intended to describe your disappointment as deep as ocean, then, you have to re-write that line; the lack of punctuation has dampened its effect.
I enjoyed reading your poem. Keep writing. Thanks for the read.
A catastrophic relationship between a couple affects the offsprings to a great extant; the angst is more prominent when one of the parents is a victim of the other. The anger is palpable as the lines are carved like brands of fire. I liked the poem. keep writing.
Firstly, I noticed that the versification is unique with a tremendous rush of imagination. Perhaps it happens from setbacks, irrespective of the reasons. It has happened to me as well.
The monotonousness and frustration is apparent and very telling, but I found the line " Teardrops shatter like glass" a bit problematic as teardrops doesn't make sound ( the comparison seems irrelevant). Perhaps you have your own way to interpret it (you can always ignore this suggestion at your behest). Thank you for the read.
While writing a poem I am always skeptic about my works deviating into prosaic pieces. That's what I think has fallen into. The length does not bother me as long as the the content is strong enough to appeal. Punctuation is a trivial affair in poems; try to concentrate on your argument-what do you want to convey. Keep writing to polish your talent. Thank you.
Hi Anna, the verses seemed quite like an evocation had it not been for the ending, since you got back your rhythm. Perhaps a few person doesn't dream of mastering guitar or at least being able to play it at a certain level of dexterity. In that case you should have invoked the soul of the Jimmy Hendrix (Joking). It was a good attempt to mingle poetry and rock music, with all the celestial clashes, lightning, storm (which are attributes of rock music) etc.
I would like to suggest you something (only if you appreciate/ you can ignore if you deem it unnecessary). Try to substantiate the argument that you have presented by bringing on some important contents ( progression) to approach towards climax. I think that the ending is abrupt, and considering that guitar playing is your passion, there are very interesting points you can add. For example, riffs, distortion, shape of the guitar, etc
You have repeated the words 'rhythm' and 'rocking' in context that is not appropriate and sounds commonplace. Go for words that are more appealing. You will improve as write more. Thank you for the read.
Wow! A few words that reflects a cornucopia of wisdom/suggestion. Clearly, the speaker is trying to assuage the pain, acrimony, frustration, guilt
etc of the person that he/she is referring to. We get embroiled in such situation in our society, get bogged down by so called friends, get betrayed in love etc The words are really appealing as it seems to refresh the individuality inherent in us, which is otherwise lost in the din and bustle of our everyday struggle.
The lines "without regret refuse them
Another seconds worth of your time
Leave the lost behind" have caught my attention the most as they are vehement in approach, urging to move forward without wasting any time. The repetition of the line "Leave the lost behind" serves as reminder much like an alarm clock, which wakes us up from our slumber. I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you.
Besides being dark, your poem evokes feelings of lost love not because of betrayal but due to unspecified reasons, of which an unnatural
death is a possibility. Being a contest entry, you were constrained by the prompts that you have to maintain, but I feel you could do with some
re-organisation as I personally feel that the poem is fecund to further improvements.
I liked the last stanza of the the best as you described the cemetery tombs as standing stones. I appreciate your endeavour. Keep on
writing. Thank you for the read.
The review I'm delivering for your work is my opinion and I'm
not a prominent critic that my views will be incumbent upon you.
I want you to forgive me if I fail to point out the correct things.
You seem to be a new poet and it was a nice attempt- a passionate
reflection of your thoughts on your journal. The topic is very novel that
shows your creativity, but try to make your content more appealing by
including something that immediately catches a reader's attention. All in
all, a good try, and keep writing to become a better writer. Thanks for the
read.
A nice job considering your first attempt at writing poetry. Your poem
reminds me of T S Eliot's 'The love song of J Alfred Prufrock' as the
protagonist of your poem is also timid and shrugs from mingling
with other people. The rhyming couplets did justice to a poem which
is an exhortation to open up to the possibilities of socializing.
I liked your poem and keep on writing to become a better
writer. You have the potential. thanks for the read.
My opinion: I believe that you are seeking answers to some of your
rhetorical questions, or you can say, have no answers.
The poet is perhaps desolate and crying his/her heart
out. The poignancy of the lines is conspicuous.
Your strength: You have been able to express the longing of someone's
spiritual guidance(which I believe) and the ill- fate that
you encountered. The repetition of the stanzas reinforces
the central motif.
My opinion: Oh, It was a long read. You have written a
story with an unsolved mystery and ended in
non-sequitur.
Your strength: I believe you have the capability to describe a tense
situation with a tinge of humour as well. American so-
ciety gelled on well and I liked the pricipal character
sketch as his behaviour matched with that of a person
suffering from claustrophobia.
Suggestions: May be (Its only my personal opinion, and others might not
feel the same)the word-count is a little more and it poses
problem of deviating toward pleonasm.
Conclusion:{/c The story is well written and the amount of intelligent
work put in is evident. Thanks for the read.
I'm already a fan of yours and your works are powerhouse of wisdom. Probably
you are invoking the pagan religion of the native Americans (if I am not mistak-
en). What I liked most are the lines- "Help us understand that life
Does not begin nor end with us."
which shows affection for the living and the generations to come, alike. Keep
writing.
You have nicely written this poem and I personally believe that everyone's
feelings are unique and only a person is privy to his own heart. the poem
has freshness and radiates love through " My eyes stay shut
I want this vision forever."
Write on. I like the poem.
The story has not much of a plot to brag about but the way you have
written makes it interesting to read; in fact you have written it in the
manner of Elizabethan style-prose and narrative verse have been
interspersed to make it a powerful story. especially the verses seems
to have been painstakingly woven. Thanks for the read.
A great story, more like a parable and more so, it follows the concept of predestination. Once i started, I could not stop but to complete the story in haste. Every character, every moment and every word is accounted for in the story. You are a fantastic writer.
I agree with you..It has stood the ravages of time and has still has a long way to go attain real prosperity just like my country India. The lines are riveting as well as appealing; you have asseverated the plus points as well as the negatives also..the poem is interesting. It also serves as a clarion call to the denizens of your country to wake up from the long slumber to build the nation.
I believe the poem is in antithesis to the notion that night is synonymous with decadence, fear and yearning. And you have very lucidly elucidated the positive effects of night-time with sincere optimism. I liked the lines "So close your eyes to obstruction
Close your ears to intimidation".
The poem has an air of freshness. Good read. Write on.
The meaning of your poem led me to consider not only at the literal but also at the metaphorical level. You have eulogized the art of dancing to an angelic state where one attains jouissance (eternal orgasm). The joy of dancing is not momentary and lasts forever.
"For those who are innately driven to express themselves through dance,
whose lives are incomplete,
experience a death of their soul when unable to perform."
These lines warranted my attention more because of their volatility and could be interpreted in various ways. To me, it also symbolizes the 'dance of life'. It depends on us, to dance to live or to live to dance. Thumbs up. I liked your poem.
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