To be honest, a little confusing, but does get the reader curious. Lots of comma splices that I can see, but I do understand some people like to write that way perhaps because of the way it sounds when you read it?
Whatever the reason, to me it did seem a little repetitive. Maybe make sentences in the places that will make sense.
I love the idea of this story and the language you used to write it.
Keep going! :)
This is a good example of "free verse."
(A poem without rhyme or meter.)
Sorta pictured you going through the snow on your way home from Lyd's house, lol. (At least I think that's who you were referring to...)
Hiyah! You are a good writer, clearly, and the subject was a good idea! One thing I noticed was the repetitive "said." A lot of writers have this problem at first, where they use only the word said.
Example: "I hope it doesn't rain all day," Alice said.
"No kidding," Her friend said.
"Maybe it won't," Alice said.
As you can see, it sort of becomes a little more strange than intended. I'd suggest using words light "sighed" or "screamed" or even just using "said" with more evocative language.
Example: "I hope it doesn't rain all day," Alice sighed as she pressed her head gloomily against the window.
Her friend Bella dropped her head into her arms. "No kidding," She muttered.
Alice decided to be optimistic, and gave a little shrug. "Maybe it won't?" She said hopefully.
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