This is a good start, but it feels like it could easily be expanded into something greater. Rhyming effectively in poetry so that it sounds good and effortless is hard. (Which is why I never attempt it in my poetry.) Usually you want to keep the same rhyming pattern throughout the whole poem. At the beginning it is ABACA and at the end it has changed to ABABA, with ABCBC in the middle. This, combined with the difference in line lengths, disrupts the flow and brings the reader out of your poem. On the difference in line lengths, I think that the longer length of the lines in the last stanzas should be used for the whole piece. This could give you a bit more room to expand and go into detail on the story you are telling.
Rhyming is really tricky because you don't want to warp your sentences for the sake of the rhyme. The poem should be more about the message or story and less about making it all rhyme. You might want to put this in paragraph form and just read it like it's a story instead of a poem, and see where the sentences sound awkward. I think it could be a very interesting free verse piece, but that's probably my own bias toward free verse speaking.
I think you have an interesting story here that could use a few more details to fully flesh it out. I like that the main character does not get what she wants. I would like to see the fact that she is Fae play a larger part in the story. It seems that it doesn't really serve a purpose. Maybe if you went in to more detail about how she uses her charm, and how she invaded his dreams. What is the voice in her head? I would have thought it was her conscious, but the last line in that stanza leads me to believe that it's someone else. I was also wondering why she was in love with this man, and why did this man get to have a fest to pick his bride. Do all men get a fest, or just important ones? And is this man important?
There are a few places where word choice or sentence structure makes it sound off. In the first stanza, the last line gives the impression that the man could have been Fae in the past, or could be in the future. Unless he can become Fae, it's just worded awkwardly. Something like 'And he is not one of the Fae.' rhymes with the other lines and gets rid of the misleading 'today'. The first two lines of the final stanza are also bothering me because they each have 'lost' in them. It sounds repetitive to have it twice so close to each other. "For I have failed tonight" could work better.
I rated this a 2.5 because it does have the potential to become a good poem, but as it is it could use editing. If you do choose to edit it I would be happy to come back and rate it again.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #852166 by Not Available.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bobbery
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 9:59pm on Dec 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
