Hello Emily
This is a very good story. I always love a good horror with charactors that are a bit 'off the wall' so to say. LOL. I think you captured this charactor extremely well. You gave her great personality. I think crazy people have some of the most unusual, and best personalitys, and never boring or dull. (Although, lol they do tend to make us wonder most of the time what really is going on with them, thats what makes this woman her own unique person)
You created great imagry in describing her evil deeds, and to her, she was the normal one! As I read this, I could vision well what she had done to the boyfriend and to herself. Giving her the rocking motion and rapid thought and speach qualitys gave the reader a great visual as to actually watching this going on. I enjoyed reading this story very much.
I rated this a 4.5 because I felt that not only was it excellently written, but it needed some polishing work done. I will point out a couple of those areas to you because they caused me some confusion as to if she were speaking these sentances outloud, or thinking them to herself. I also wasnt sure where she was when she nailed herself into the room when the mirror broke. As I read, I pictured her in a room with the Dr. and was in the process of going through the motions and explanations to him. You also had mentioned that she was in a room with barred windows. This led me to kind of get lost at the end when she spoke of nailing herself in, and breaking the mirror. I felt some remorse that she was going through when this happened though because the woman in the mirror, she claimed was her best friend at times, and her only friend. By breaking the mirror when the last nail was driven in, in her mind, she had just lost her friend, but felt set free.
You might want to polish that part up some and let it be known if she was still in the same room with the Dr, only with a mirror in the room too? or maybe a two way mirror put up so the Dr could observe and get what answers he needed while he analyzed or interrigated her? This was a confusing area for me to read, but prehaps not for someone else to read. I suppose it would depend on how each reader interpreted this action and thought process/explanation.
Also, I found a few parts that started out as a quote, as she was speaking outloud about the things she had done, and actions she had taken to end her up into a mental ward.
Some examples are:
You wrote:
Now, I know what you must be thinking, “This chick is insane, a real monster”, but I assure you I’m not. I’m very sweet. I’m the nicest, most caring person you will ever meet. And if you’re nice and kind to me, we’ll never have any problems, but that bitch in the mirror tortures me so. Every single day, calling me names. Telling me I don’t deserve to live and I need to die for the lives I’ve taken. But I’ve never taken a life that in someway didn’t deserved to be taken. Should I really be prosecuted for bringing justice to the world?”
You started out this paragraph with:
Now, I know what you must be thinking,
Then go into a quote. Would this sentance beginning be also quoted? or a thought? Then what appears to be a long quote of her speaking starts out with the next line:
“This chick is insane, a real monster”, but I assure you I’m not. I’m very sweet. I’m the nicest, most caring person you will ever meet. And if you’re nice and kind to me, we’ll never have any problems, but that bitch in the mirror tortures me so. Every single day, calling me names. Telling me I don’t deserve to live and I need to die for the lives I’ve taken. But I’ve never taken a life that in someway didn’t deserved to be taken. Should I really be prosecuted for bringing justice to the world?”
You ended the quote in the next sentance, then ended the paragraph in a quote also. You might want to end it there, with that sentance. Then start a new sentance to finish the quote (Unless she is now thinking the rest of the paragraph, but no other beginning of a quote is mentioned. If it is meant to be a complete quote, I would have written:
“This chick is insane, a real monster,(keep the quote going) but I assure you I’m not. I’m very sweet. I’m the nicest, most caring person you will ever meet. And if you’re nice and kind to me, we’ll never have any problems, but that bitch in the mirror tortures me so. Every single day, calling me names. Telling me I don’t deserve to live and I need to die for the lives I’ve taken. But I’ve never taken a life that in someway didn’t (deserve, change it to diserve possibly) to be taken. Should I really be prosecuted for bringing justice to the world?”
You wrote:
Done is done as done is done and I did what I did because…and that’s it. I promise I won’t do it anymore. She laughed at me again. I couldn’t take it anymore. I slammed the door and nailed it shut. As I drove in the last nail, with the last hit I heard the mirror fall to the floor and break.”
If she is quoting/speaking this all to the Dr. add quotation marks in the very beginning of the sentance.
Where was she when she nailed herself in behind the door? At the Dr's or at home? somewhere else?
The very last sentance is perfect:
Her head slumps down to her chest, but she looks straight into the doctor’s eyes for the first time. “Finally, I’m free.” She wickedly smiles.
Everything seems to be written correct here between the action and the speach.
This is just a few suggestions, and you might want to read the story over and take a little less confusion out of certain areas.
The story overall is a perfectly written story with fantastic content, charactor description, and great imagry into the mind of someone who is definatly mentally ill. You gave a perfect ideal as to her frame of thought by thinking she wasnt crazy at all!!! Bravo for writing a great story Just reread the story and maybe outloud so that you can get a good idea of confusion, and difference of dialogue and thoughts change off.
Other than that, the content was perfect, I could follow the story well and really thought you did a great job of writing it Keep writing, this is a great story and I loved reading it. These were just a few suggestions which can be polished up some if you want to do it. Write on!!! and I will check back to your port to read more storys. It would be well worth the read! You are great at charactor development, horror, and imagry. Great writing talent!! (((Hugs)))
I hope this review helps you out some
Blessings Always,
BlueThunder
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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