This is an extremely clever poem. I do see it as more of a picture book. Each line creates a strong visual of funny and interesting pictures. My favorite is the cars driving over the bridge of the nose. That alone is a fun visual. This piece may be a bit long for a poem or picture book but it is definitely worth developing. I thoroughly enjoyed this read.
Impression: I immediately felt Eldia's pain as a mother struggling with making the right choice for her son while protecting him. Her denial, yet struggle to help him was evident and consistent throughout the story.
Setting: You created the setting by using the name of a town, the colors of fall, and the spiral staircase. This gave me an immediacy of fall and a wealthy family.
Character Development: You kept the story between two characters though the subject was the main character. This gave a sense of Stephan without having to describe him and maintained a tight short story. Well done.
Story Development: I like how the story began with Eldia's concern and sadly ended with Stephan's death even though he was going back to Katherine. My favorite line was "sweet chords and notes dancing"
Suggestions: I found "turmoil within Eldia reflected itself" not necessary, the shaking feet and nail tapping told me this. I also did not find "residue screamed heroin as did the needle" necessary, finding the heroin, needle, and rubber tube told me it was a heroin overdose.
Hello Lefaria. I am unsure where this story is going. Is this a short story? A book? An outline? It reads like an outline. The story has episodic nature to it. All stories should have a beginning, middle, and an end. This story begins with the action of Yelioai and the wicked witch and that is good but it quickly turns into an outline. I would like to read this again when it has been fleshed out a bit more.
You state in your description that this story may be a bit confusing and I did find it to be. I became so distracted by the use of "The Being" in almost every sentence that it overshadowed the story for me. I read the piece three times.
This story has a good premise and the potential for an interesting story.
I was drawn to your article based on the description. I like how you began your story, what your work was, and what your act consisted of.
Is this article being written for submission to where you are restricted to a word count? If not, I would liked to have read more about your development to your new livelihood.
There was a typo on the word "transition"
This is a good topic that could be encouraging to other readers. I would like to see more of, "what do you do to keep from losing it."
What a joy this was to read. It is humorous, entertaining, and leaves the reading wanting more. I can't wait to read what happens to Daisy next. You give the reader an insight to Daisy's past without bogging down the story with description. The dialogue helps to move the story along.
My favorite line is, "held her captive for 5 long years with a band of gold."
Impression: This is a very powerful piece. The entire poem is laced with desperation and hopelessness. My favorite part was the third verse.
Imagery: Your word choice gave me a vivid picture of what was happening around the subject which coincided with what was going on emotionally with the subject as well.
Suggestions: Some of the verses had a pattern to them while others did not, because of this some lines did not flow as easily as others. Overall, I enjoyed this piece.
This was fun. I like doing word searches and of course I had to stop at this one because it is about music. I finished this in 3:02. I had a difficult time finding the Grateful Dead. You seem to have an eclectic taste in music. Buddy Holly to Tool. Interesting mix.
Impression: This was a joy to read. I felt that a seven year old girl actually wrote this. You have a good handle on the mindset and presented it well.
Imagery: I envisioned a young girl sitting at the kitchen table writing this. The strikethroughs created a level of anxiousness as the child wrote. I especially liked helping wheels.
Suitable Age: This fits the age, 7.
Suggestions: None that I can see. How can you argue with an auto, oops, life story.
You had some detailed questions on here. Thank you for not asking what my favorite color was. Some questions (11 & 13) I did not answer because I did not feel there was a suitable answer.
Question 9 was my favorite and the most revealing.
Impression: I read this and felt there were many unanswered questions. Who is the stranger? What is his name? Why is he there? If this is to be a short story, there needs to be more about the character early on. If this is the beginning of a larger piece of work then you can incorporate some action to move it along.
If your plan was to keep the stranger a mystery, this can still be accomplished with using other characters or events to bring the story to life.
You wrote that you do not have a plan. Have you considered outlining? Sometimes that can help if a writer is unsure of what direction the story is to take.
Setting: There is very little description of the setting other than picturesque. A little bit of detail would help the reader. Picturesque could be a busy seaport or a town in the country.
Character Development: There was not enough to know who the character is.
Story Development: I am not sure what you have planned for the story but you do have a lot here that has the potential to be developed into a well rounded story. It seems that Brighton is a small town, if so the townspeople would be all over the stranger, maybe not to his face but discussing it with each other.
Suggestions: You could add some interaction such as dialogue at the beginning, instead of saying he asked for permission, have him ask someone for permission. Secondary characters can help a story move forward.
I would like to see what the rewrite will be because you have an interesting basis here it just needs to be developed.
Please let me know when you have revised this so I can read it. I really do like the premise.
This is a good representation of how a young child would behave when his parents are distracted with the pending birth of a child.
Billy is believable in his actions and verbal displeasure. I do not think "Sweetie" should be capitalized. It is used as a term on endearment and is not a name.
The word pizza is used quite often in the 6th paragraph. It would read and flow easier if it were simplified.
My favorite lines are:
"Too late for Billy to stop the horrible baby" and I laughed when grandma "was being sucked into the baby's trap."
I assume that this story is for readers around 6 years of age.
This is a GREAT idea for a website. There is so much to see at WDC and it can be overwhelming for a newbie. The layout and links are very helpful. I am adding this to my favorites as a guide to navigating through WDC. Thanks.
Impression: The feeling of oppression comes through but is given over to elation. You move through serious emotions with the use of powerful words. My favorite line is: "the will to grow where the light shines in." This is the turning point.
Imagery: You created an emotional picture, heartbreak, strength, new found freedom, liberation. Very powerful emotions in a short piece.
Suggestions: The rhythm of the piece is a bit off which can be remedied with a few word choice adjustments.
You have hit on a topic that I think every woman could relate to. This was an enjoyable read. I laughed out loud when I read, "Hi! We're still here!" and "monuments to overindulgence." This piece has a feel good vibe to it. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Impression: I immediately had a sense that there would be a connection between Jim Vance and Jack Caudill. You transitioned effortlessly from Jim's deathbed to the story of Jack. The dialogue moves the story along well. Jack Caudill's death was believable.
Setting: The death of Jack Caudill immediately drew me into the story. I wanted to find out what the connection was to Jim.
Character Development: You remained focused on the characters without wandering off course, which is critical to maintaining control over a short story.
Story Development: You provided enough backstory to make the connections to the characters without detracting from the main idea.
Suggestions: Possibly simplify the line, "Paul McCoy, thought it fitting, the weather, to the final hours of Jim Vance's life.
What beautiful c-notes. The colors are vibrant and the font colors complement the flowers. I like the font choice as well. My favorites are the sunflower themes, especially the "just a little beauty to brighten your day" c-note. My second favorite is "I was thinking of you today."
Impression: You express a lot of emotion in this piece which is what poetry is supposed to do. Even though poetry is personal, I was able to relate to my own emotions as I read through this.
Imagery: A lot of sadness comes through. "Must heal the pain in their crying voice" is my favorite line.
Suggestions: The rhythm is off on a few of the lines but overall it is a nice piece of work.
I have to admit, the title of your piece is what caught my eye so I had to read it. I am glad that I did. It hit my heart (for reasons I will not mention)and kept me reading. This is a very raw piece. The frustation, anger, yet love for the relationship comes through. It is very strong and honest.
I have not done a mad lib since grade school. Thank you for making me laugh. I was not as creative as I should have been. LOL. I guess age has a way of making us too serious.
Thanks for reminding of a moment in time when life was not taken so seriously.
Impression: I enjoyed this story. This was close to the original Romeo and Juliet but distant enough to add originality.
Setting: The setting was appropriate for a short story. The focus stayed on the characters and they did not get lost in the setting.
Character Development: Romi and Jules represented today's youth. They were believable to the reader.
Story Development: A bit abbreviated, even for a short story.
Suggestions: I expected there to be more conflict between the families prior to the wedding. The acceptance seemed too neat. The reference to the Hatfield's and McCoy's may be lost on younger readers.
Keep Writing!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/blithespirit
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 6:28am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Impression: I immediately felt Eldia's pain as a mother struggling with making the right choice for her son while protecting him. Her denial, yet struggle to help him was evident and consistent throughout the story.
Setting: You created the setting by using the name of a town, the colors of fall, and the spiral staircase. This gave me an immediacy of fall and a wealthy family.
Character Development: You kept the story between two characters though the subject was the main character. This gave a sense of Stephan without having to describe him and maintained a tight short story. Well done.
Story Development: I like how the story began with Eldia's concern and sadly ended with Stephan's death even though he was going back to Katherine. My favorite line was "sweet chords and notes dancing" 
Suggestions: I found "turmoil within Eldia reflected itself" not necessary, the shaking feet and nail tapping told me this. I also did not find "residue screamed heroin as did the needle" necessary, finding the heroin, needle, and rubber tube told me it was a heroin overdose.
Keep Writing! 
Suitable Age: This fits the age, 7.