I'm not a professional by any means, but here's my opinion. Overall, this is a fairly strong start. You did a good job explaining the protagonist's description and mindset. I'm going to ignore small things—like grammar, typos, etc.—and focus on big picture things—like characters, scenes, plot, and such.
1) Describing Michael's appearance was done excellently. Using his actions is perfect "show don't tell" and works well.
2) His mother, Cami Gabriella, is introduced as having the "reaction time of an EMT." Does that mean his mother is an EMT? If so, then why is she prodding him in ways that cause pain? Wouldn't she know how to check someone for injuries correctly if she were? The dialogue suggests that she isn't actually an EMT. However, the dialogue is fun, and shows how quirky his mother is.
3) Regarding the dinner scene. It's described, but then we experience the scene. I suggest using only one of the two—and my preference would be for the one with dialogue. We don't really need to be told that they feed off each other, because you show them doing that. Perhaps expand on their dialogue a little. Maybe the mother goes off on a tangent—those mob bosses are going to drown you. The dad could cut her off—as though he's reasonable. Then he explains something just as ridiculous that ultimately agrees with her. Just a few ideas to play with. Overall, the concept is solid though.
4) We discover that he really wants to leave this little village and go to the large city. But we don't know why. Why is he going there? Is he just trying to get away from his parents? If so, then why go to the large city instead of some other small town? What is he hoping to do when he gets there? What opportunity is he pursuing? Like, I get that he wants to live on his own terms, but what's his plan? It's mentioned that he would be taking a chance, but what's the chance? Like, what could he gain from taking that risk? Again, just some things to think about.
5) There's an old adage that goes something like "start late, end early." It's basically "get into the scene later than you think, and leave before you're fully done." In the bit after the dinner, the scene could start with him having finished writing the poetry. Also, finishing the scene with him drifting off to sleep feels a bit late to me. I think some of that could be cut back a bit.
Again, it's a strong start. I like the overall tone, and you've done some things extremely well. I'd be happy to read an update after some editing, if you're still working on the piece. I know it's been awhile though. Overall, I think it's a solid beginning and I hope my little review helps in some way. Definitely keep up the great work! |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "