This is well written and thought out. I have read many things on screenwriting and writing stories, this captures the essence of both. I gives me another way to view my story and to approcah it. Good job.
Keep writing,
Bill
"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."
— Stephen King
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While I think its nice to send a doc for a review I think you need to focus on a few other things. You have this huge section on names. I think they are important too, but I would want a review that had more in about setting and length. Your background list is too long, I would cut it in half. I think some of the others could be edited and made shorter.
The first two paragraphs you throw a bunch of information in one big bang. None of it is relevant to the action that follows after. I would suggest that you sprinkle it into the dialog, here and there to “blend it in”. I would start the story in with “It was late in the day….” paragraph.
The next part you have a running dialog between them; with very little description other than what they say to each other. If you sprinkled a few sentences here and there with some filler information, it would flow better instead of just being a talking head conversation. Think of it as, show don’t tell, type of thing.
Example:
__
“What is the matter Travid” She yells excitingly.
“I stood up for the old King, and used magic to freeze the new king’s son and three others.” He said breathing hard.
“Shut the door and hurry to the back door, NOW.” She said thinking and acting fast.
__
She rose from her chair with a start when he burst into the room.
“Whats the matter Travid?”
He was breathing hard, his hands on his knees.
“I stood up for the real King.” He said “I used magic to freeze the new King’s son and his friends.”
She motion for him to shut the door. She began to think what they should do next.
See the difference? Not trying to be too critical but when you get into a long he said she said it gets boring even if the story is interesting.
Another thing to note is just use said with a mix of others but don’t put anything else with it.
Example:
She said concentrating
He said, teeth chattering
The Sargent asked willingly
Break that out into sentences that shows the action instead of tacking it onto the sentence. Just as in my example above; I replace “He said breathing hard “ with “He was breathing hard, his hands on his knees”. I think it flows better and reads better. Remember show don’t tell when you can.
I think the story with a little editing would be a good one. You should put you story hooks deeper in place and make the reader want to turn the page. Give them mysteries to solve like who is the real king and what happened to him? Where are his grandparents? Who is Emma and why would the kings daughter be betrothed to Travid?
You slowly answer these question and other appear to take there place. I think you have the beginning of a good story, develop it further and let us learn more about the characters.
I liked it. Maybe just a bit of reworking the part when they first landed in the city to make it flow better. An other thing, if you have him have second thoughts right after his daughter comes down stairs the reader would think he changed his mind only to have him do it anyway. Overall a great piece. Good job, keep writing!
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