If any muse comes close to universal, this might be the one. Lucky would be the person, if he or she exists, who has never yearned as this narrator does. The writing is vivid and engrossing. Only one things bothers me about this piece. Bleeding tears may be a bloody metaphor.
Caveat: A review is only one person's opinion. If it's bad, don't get mad, and don't get down on yourself. If it's good, don't get the big head.
I love the premise of this story. It's the universal wish for that Cinderella/Prince Charming who will ignore our imperfections and dote on us for a lifetime. That 's an awesomely big theme for 624 words. As a result, this piece doesn't surpass sentimentality to achieve dramatic effect.
Just my opinion: I hope Darlene will turn this into a novel, or concentrate on one experience--perhaps the man's death--to portray some intimate interactions between the husband and wife to show (as opposed to telling) the depth of their relationship.
Two minor points: One, the story would benefit from careful copy editing. Take note of that last, run-on sentence. Two, the dialogue is stilted. When writing dialogue, but only when writing dialogue, forget everything your English teachers said and after you have written the dialogue, say it out loud as if your character were talking to you, or as if you were talking to one of your characters and your English teachers were the furthest thing from your mind.
Caveat: A review is only one person's opinion. If it's bad, don't let it get you down. If it's good, don't let it go to your head. Continue to write and learn.
I love this story. The science fiction premise is easily acceptable as the so-called willing suspension of belief. The characters' actions after the disaster are good, neither overwrought nor too laid back.
The writing is very good. The eye flows easily over it, and there are no uh oh's to interrupt the reader's concentration.
Two small criticisms. One, the name John Bauer is too close to Jack Bauer (Jack being a nickname for John) the hero of the long-running TV series. This story doesn't need that. Two, in the beginning, John's lack of social connectedness is overdone. As I read the story, it was in the back of my mind that it would show up as a pivotal part of the plot.
Just a thought for whatever it's worth: As I read the story, I was continually distracted by thoughts of Orwell.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/billhylton
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 9:42pm on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
