I'm afraid I'm simply not qualified to review this remarkable piece of writing on anything other than a personal level. It made me feel alive. Having recently separated from my wife after nearly 20 years, I am really feeling like there is no love or romance in the world. Your poem has convinced me otherwise. The imagery is startling, evoking emotions I assumed were dead in me. I long to feel like you do, long to experience what you have experienced. In many ways it is simplistic but in other ways it is breathtakingly deep and sensual. Even in my head this is a breathless piece of writing, it is whispered in the ear sending tingling goosebumps across the spine, it encourages passion and comfort in the same amounts. I love it.
Hi there. I really liked this opening. This is just the type of story I grew up reading and for me is in the same sort of league as "Night of the Starfighter". It may sound like a contrast in terms but while the characters are fantastical, they are also available - the drab barman called Giggles, the old west style of bar, probable the sci-fi version of Tombstone with drink-hardened folk on the outskirts while the sophisticates are in their own utopian surroundings. The dialogue is fresh and flowing, not too much is given away plot-wise which only makes me want to read a little more, it's almost like I'm being denied something, like there is something you aren't telling me and that is the forbidden fruit as far as I am concerned, Really enjoyed the read and I will get my 13 yr old son to read this too.
Hi there. Very interesting beginning. You create an atmosphere very well, the desire to try something new, to go against the grain but the whole passage seems rushed. The way I build tension is to use long, lingering sentences at first, more description but all the time building towards a climax, a crescendo. You do that very well but I felt as though I was already tense at the beginning instead of having the joy of that feeling come slowly over me. I can feel the indecision in your protagonist though as he/she goes over the various options. Of course all this would happen in the blink of an eye but you extend that and so extend the anticipation - that is excellent. That may seem like I am contradicting myself by saying you need to make things slowly and then build up but I hope you understand. You have a similar style to me in some places which I will obviously and with no sense of modesty whatsoever say is superb. I'd love to read more and would be happy to re-read again of you decide to re-work this piece.
Hope this helps.
Darren
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