Hello 
I saw that you were looking for reviews of your story and thought I'd offer some suggestions.
It is always good to start of a story with an intriguing line. For example, in your story, you could start it with something like - Grace knew it wasn't going to be an ordinary day.
In many sections of your story, you have short sentences with repeating words. Try combining them and adding more descriptive words, it will read much smoother.
Let's go over this first paragraph:
It was the first day of classes. She sat down in her English class. The teacher stood up and introduced herself and then dove right into the first assignment.
Cut down the number of words you're using and/or add more describing words. Something like this:
Grace knew it wasn't going to be an ordinary day. It was the first morning of (8th grade?) English class and her stern-faced teacher had already given them an assignment!
She was no normal teacher.
You don't want to tell the reader she wasn't "normal", you want them to figure that out on their own.
For example, you could say: It was unusual and made her nervous.
This line is too wordy and confusing:
"Class, the first assignment is going to be a speech whereby you introduce another member of the class to the rest of the class."
Try something like:
"You're all going to introduce a fellow student to the rest of the class," said Mrs. So and So, looking around the bare-walled room.
The girl looked up.
"Oh great" she thought.
Try combining these and use italics for thoughts:
Oh great, thought the girl as she looked up to the peeling white ceiling.
"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two and the two that I draw will interview eachother." The girl rolled her eyes. "Grace Trevensa." The teacher called. It was her name. "And, Jack Scuvinsky" Grace turned and saw Jack.
"Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?" Grace thought. Grace got up and walked over to the table where Jack sat.
Don't use so many "and" words when you don't have to. When someone is the speaker, the comma goes first, then the quotation mark at the end of the statement.
Example:
"I have your names on slips of paper. I'm going to draw two of them and you'll interview each other."
Grace rolled her eyes.
"Grace Trevensa," the teacher called. "And, Jack Scuvinsky."
Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?, Grace thought. Reluctantly, she walked over to the table where Jack was sitting.
The following paragraph starts almost every sentence with "she". It isn't necessary. Just combine them
Tuesday was a fairly uneventful day. She went through classes as usual. She got back to her room and started working on that dreaded math homework. She of course got herself side tracked. She decided to e-mail Kyle. She was going to be comfortable hanging out with him somehow. She figured the only way to do it was to actually make an attempt to do so. She e-mailed him and asked him if he wanted to take a walk with her after Praise the next night.
For example, you could say:
Tuesday was a fairly uneventful day. After classes, she went back to her room and started to do her math homework as usual, but thoughts of Kyle sidetracked her. She sent him an email asking if he'd take a walk with her the next night when Praise ended, hoping it would make hanging out together a more comfortable occasion.
Okay, so all together these are your original paragraphs:
It was the first day of classes. She sat down in her English class. The teacher stood up and introduced herself and then dove right into the first assignment. She was no normal teacher. "Class, the first assignment is going to be a speech whereby you introduce another member of the class to the rest of the class." The girl looked up.
"Oh great" she thought.
"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two and the two that I draw will interview eachother." The girl rolled her eyes. "Grace Trevensa." The teacher called. It was her name. "And, Jack Scuvinsky" Grace turned and saw Jack.
"Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?" Grace thought. Grace got up and walked over to the table where Jack sat.
This is my example for improvement:
Grace knew it wasn't going to be an ordinary day. It was the first morning of (8th grade?) English class and her stern-faced teacher had already given them an assignment! It was unusual and made her nervous.
"You're all going to introduce a fellow student to the rest of the class," said Mrs. So and So, looking around the bare-walled room.
Oh great, thought the girl as she looked up to the peeling white ceiling.
"I have your names on slips of paper. I'm going to draw two of them and you'll interview each other."
Grace rolled her eyes.
"Grace Trevensa," the teacher called. "And, Jack Scuvinsky."
Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?, Grace thought. Reluctantly, she walked over to the table where Jack was sitting.
Okay, well I hope that is what you were looking for. Have fun with your story and write on!
Lynn
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