Wow. The thing I like most about your prose is it's lack of structure. Free-verse is definitely alluring, and I really like the way you flow with it. It's unconstrained and beautiful - and that's before I even hit the words. You are very, very talented.
Love, love, love this. I love how you are able to give us the information we need about each of the races... but it doesn't feel like an info dumb. Your writing is simply fantastic.
Recommendations:
"The Hunters called themselves Protectors of the Secret and believed they were given a divine assignment to rid the world of the supernatural; basically anything that proved more powerful or knowledgeable than themselves. "
The Hunters called themselves Protectors of the Secret. They believed themselves to be divine eradicators of anything that proved more powerful or knowledgeable than themselves; namely the supernatural like myself.
Also, he does a bit of smirking in the first part... I'd change at least one of those.
Very good. Is this part of something larger, or is it a self-contained short story?
This is sad, and very well written emotionally. My advice? Go back through and try to figure out how to say exactly what you've already said - only without all of the I's. I wanted so much to focus on the emotion, but the walls of "I"s were a little overwhelming. Overall, I like your piece!
How many edits have you done on this manuscript? It looks like you've done quite a few. I can't find anything to pinpoint. It's not description heavy... no info dumps first thing. This is just really, really good and very well written.
Is this something you plan to publish or expand on? Or was this made to be a shorty story?
Wow. I like this piece, it's very interesting and the hard-on line is impossible to ignore!
The only part that I didn't care for was this " My world turns upside-down. My blood flow stops in that instant. The air ceases to fill my lungs. It feels like existence itself freezes." While I do understand that short, choppy sentences are trademark in any kind of thriller/horror sequence, this particular one seems a bit much for me. Compared to the flow of the rest of the piece this just stood out.
Overall, I really like your writing. Thanks for posting!
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