This is just my opinion, feel free to agree or disagree with any or all points.
Opening:
The choice to begin with a quote from a culture in the story is not a bad one. The first sentence is decent, though could use a bit of punching up to make it really hook the reader and draw me into the narrative. Perhaps an additional line or two to cement the frame of the story and indicate a different time/place.
Closing:
An interesting end. The last paragraph definitely compels you to want to continue reading and learn more of Sigrun. And, of course, we wonder if she ever sees Ben and Corielle again.
Style:
Plebeian, but with hints and flashes of brilliance. It just needs some polishing and refinement to be truly great.
Voice:
You seem to slip between third person omniscient and third person limited. Trust your readers and let us experience things only as Sigrun does. No need to explain things just describe events how they unfold to her.
The Good:
An interesting concept. A good start and place to build the story.
The urga are good monster-villains; similar enough to orcs to be recognizable, yet different enough to be unique.
The Opportunities
You do a lot of telling instead of showing. A hard concept to master, I agree; however, it will make your writing stronger, better, and more compelling if you show how your character feels instead of telling the reader. Try to engage all five of the senses.
The parts after Sigrun leaves the house seem slightly more polished than the previous parts.
Perhaps describe what a urgan looks like. Also, is the plural urga or urgans? You use both.
We never return to the scene at the beginning of the story when Sigrun sits at her desk; however, I assume we return to it later in the story, so that's not a big deal.
Line by Line
What you wrote is in green
My suggested rewrites are in blue
Grammatical corrections are in red
The hunting call of a shadow raven disturbed me, drew my attention out the window, where a skull-shaped cloud sneered at me. I assume this is in the past, when Sigrun is 12, but it could also be in the present as she sits at her desk. Using it as both, could be an interesting segue between the two time periods and frame the story nicely...if you want.
Though I did not guess Myrrha would die within the hour, I felt something coming. This is breaks the pov slightly. Also, instead of saying "I felt something coming", describe what the protagonist feels.
Convinced that danger lurked just outside the oak door to the kitchen, I kept glancing up at that wicked cloud. Start the sentence with I kept..."
As a twelve year old freeman, not some peasant girl, I wanted the truth. This might read stronger as dialogue. "Myrrha, I'm a freeman, not a peasant. I want the truth."
Nobody in my family would ever do that, but I nodded so hard I jarred my head. I nodded so hard I jarred my head.
Then he huffed and shook his head.
[...]but most girls my age could carry me with one arm. This seems too tiny...at least to me. Unless she's part fairy or gnome or something like that.
Though I didn't understand it yet, the cloud could only be seen by dreamers, fuzzy-headed people like me, and probably the stranger. This sentence seems to be unneeded, especially since it's unknown to our protagonist. Perhaps, it's better to explain it later. Let the reader learn that when the protagonist does.
[...]but here at home, he never wore a full sized sword or proper plate armor. Also, this makes it seem that Mack doesn't have a sword, yet, later, he brandishes one against Ker.
Meanwhile, my aunt had asked me to hide; for Myrrha, I had to survive. I pushed with all my might against the ceiling, willing my arms to carry the beast, if the wood could not. You don't need the word "meanwhile".
The crying took over, as I sobbed and sobbed, not thinking of being heard. I buried my face in my knees and sobbed. It didn't matter if anything heard. I no longer cared.
I could handle — after the last night, I needed to feel like a monster. The beginning of this sentence and the interrupt make no sense to me.
The man had not grown quite so tall as me, and had only the hint of a beard, but seemed friendly and otherwise ordinary. Judging by what we know of Sigrun (she's short for her age and skinny), this man must be very short.
A terrible rhythm, not Ker's men, but urgan drums if ever I heard them. A terrible rhythm, not Ker's men, but urgan drums.
I adored Corielle and Ben so much, it cut me in two. This seems a little sudden. Sigrun only just met them.
Keep writing, that's half the battle. I don't know how many projects I've started and haven't finished or have left half-finished. I look forward to seeing more from you. If you revise, let me know, I'd happily review it again. Remember, I could be way off base here, so if I am, much apologies. Take it with a grain of salt.
Happy writing,
Ben |
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