'...not knowing them allows you to create them.' <-------THIS IS EVERYTHING
With a bit of polishing, especially in the grammar and structural department, this story would light up the evening sky. It spoke to my heart in so many languages, I felt overwhelmed and just had to review.
The idea that Tracy had homework due the next day and was stalling: totally relatable. I've been in that position plenty of times in the past, so it made me bond with her character from the very beginning. Her actually talking to herself in the mirror (about the fencing) sounds a bit weird to me, though.. Maybe she can sought of it think it while staring at her reflection? Just a thought.
eviscerate: new word i learnt from you. Thanks
'She thought about getting out her bike, but it was a nice day outside, the few clouds in the blue sky Tracy could see looked like white fire, and she could hear the whistling of birds.' This sentence says too much and feels scattered but the descriptions are vivid. There were many sentences like this in your story.
I like the sarcasm that you sprinkle here and there throughout your story. I definitely did not expect that demon twist! The curiosity carried me to the end, cos I wondering how Tracy expected to get her homework done by getting a rat! Nicely done :)
FINAL THOUGHTS: Spend a little more time with describing the landscape, surroundings, characters etc. It felt a bit rushed and jammed into your sentences. Also the dialogue, less is more.
Your story is fresh and relatable, I enjoyed reading it. Hope to see more from you in the future. Hope this helps!
Wow. Simply, WOW. The emotion in this poem, the imagery...am lost. I don't want to be found ever again. I want to live inside this poem. Thank you, DoormanDan.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beeshive
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 7:39am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
