This is a wonderfully paced stream of consciousness - rapid flow all the way up to the last line when the rhythm plateaus and just hangs there..
A couple of super images and phrases: "a waste of my times" - the ultimate put-down; and the pitching of menace with angel.
But the final line is the icing here: how appropriate you use a 'wet dream' as a Descriptor of the tormented love that the narrator holds in his/her mind; and that being "something you make it out to be' leads this reader to wonder whether the narrator is completely unreliable and making all of this up, in some sort of fantasy.
There are a couple of grammar thingeys in there but they're easily fixed.
Really enjoyable piece. Look forward to reading some more of your work.
The rhythm of your piece is super, free flowing to the swing of a metronome. And the rhyming is impeccable.
Verse 1: Love the way you move from the lofty ideals of peace and plenty down to earth with the mundanity of being able to 'pay their rent'.
Verse 2: 'leaves and fruits' is a strong image.
Verse 3: Back to the promise of a better way, you trail the reader up, up and away into the high heavens with the sense of something that just might be out of reach...
This is a powerful little piece and very poignant given it is based on a real incident.
I love your comparison of the 'washing away of dreams' by the event.
"silent longings' is a terrific description of the word wishes encapsulated in the diary.
My favourite line is at the end of the 3rd verse "...as fate leaves final pages blank." The sense of a premature ending, of a life never lived and therefore never to be recorded is moving, very moving.
While the image of the pages fluttering in the final verse is an alluring one, I'm wondering whether the piece would rest on higher ground if you finished at thee nd of the 3rd verse? Just my opinion.
It's your piece, so you know best.
I really enjoyed this and look forward to looking over more of your writing.
All the best.
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