The perspective is one unknown to me but you convey a erotic sense in the piece. I do understand the carnal transfer between giver and taker. Write on.
Good start to your story. I would stay away from catchy phrases like " 'Those were the days' it isn't fresh and may make your writing seem canned.. Good luck.
Interesting snap shot of the untold story. The only thing I could offer is that the second paragraph should read "an oasis of serenity amidst a cold world".
good work.
You piece made me lonely. I really like this; so much expression. The smallest of things give the greatest gifts. Thanks for sharing you contented lovely space.
You tell a tale of an important person who is spellbound at the moment, but in some distant time will return; freed from his death curse.
Good images and easy to follow. Keep writing
You have expressed what too many feel. I like that you show a triumph over self doubt. You offer the reader a glimpse of one persons interior struggle, they might take strength from. I am not well versed in poetry, but this leaves a hopful note. Keep writing
Well that is one on me. I have no idea what the importance of this piece is, but then I liked Gun Smoke and Leave it to Beaver. I guess I would need to review the subject material to form a legitimate opinion on your pieces value.
I found no spelling errors
the visuals are acute with a certain cosmic tone.
Keep writing and use more ink.
I really like short pieces for the challenges they pose. The writer is forced to focus on the essentials of the tale.
I was worried about tense early on("exactly what I WANT to hear") but it came together with "Loyalty assurance, I guess.--But I would still look to the want ads again. Good luck
Escaping pressures of expectations by parents, peers and his poor performance claims control in this young mans world. Facing his situation with more bad choices has made inevitable the out come.
The two different parenting styles points to a key to understanding the developed problem but there should be a resolve other than what the reader knew would happen early on. Just my thoughts (not in stone) keep writing.
I hate the imagery of a young girl with cancer dieing. I hate the hopeless feelings of a parent able to do nothing as their child slips away. I hate the dramatic differenes in outcome between medical success and failure. I hate this piece you did it well.
A poetic metimorphis. I found this work easy to read. You created thoughts in me of obsticals and removed them with recignition and an enhanced prospective. Finally acceptance; leaving only choice as the resut. The tranquility of insight after the struggle ends.
I liked it. Thanks
Excitedly he opened the door for the agent from the service he’d called. He was surprised by the intensity of the woman’s stair standing before him. She was tall, red haired with dark stockings ending in glossy black high heels. Her hair, face and the lower parts of her legs were visible, the rest surrounded by a thick black fake fir coat. As she stepped through the entry the door it clicked behind her. She turned and dropped the coat to the floor.
In almost a whisper she said, “You may not like what I have in mind, but I will make it as memorable as possible.”
His excitement was joined with confusion as he focused on the studded collar and harness straps crisscrossing her other wise lovely body.
First paragraph second to last sentence- Who turned left?
Fifth paragraph first sentence makes no sense.
Good name for this piece.
You have some need to check you tense (verb form). In some areas it is present other areas past.
The sexual reflections near the end are well done. It only took three sentences before I realized what I was being lead through.
You have a disjointed style in this piece, which may be intentional, but for the reader it may be a taste that needs to be acquired rather then a natural appreciation from the start. My self, I enjoyed it and plan to acquaint myself with the preceding chapters.
Keep writing and read it out loud for editing..
“After all you are going to pay I owe you my best.”, as she placed her hand on the leather whip on her side.
I like this, but you could add so much if you gave texture to the characters. It reads fine but in black and white, just add a little color. In describing Francine as not wanting to feel guilty my thought went to her accepting Sean's lie as truth. Is that what you were going for? Anyway keep on with it.
I'm no expert, but the imagery was lost, to me, in places, in this piece. You seem to be going for an idea of hope from cayos, or life. You could work on this and have that feeling stronger. Repace your desire for ryhm with the essance of your idea. As in life, not everything of value fits in our usual patterns.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 5:33am on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
