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Review of Fox  Open in new Window.
Review by bajuwa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Very good story, I liked it~
Sorry for being late on reviewing like I had promised, but none the less here's my suggestions:

First off, be careful about those run-on sentences. There were quite a few where I found myself mentally gasping for air even though I wasn't reading aloud. Read your story aloud, and where ever you find yourself taking a pause, or even a natural breath, add a comma. You could even add in a few more periods if you find there are too many commas =P

Example:
"With a chip here a cracked prong there it would seem the creature had lost the fight for it also limped as it walked about grazing on the remaining bits of green that the first cold had failed to snuff in it’s icy breath."

This, my friend, is a VERY long sentence. Remember that comma's and period's symbolize where the reader should pause, or give them an opportunity to take a 'mental breather' without affecting the stories flow.
Although I'm not entirely sure how to change it, I would suggest adding in comma's after the 'here' and the 'there', as well as adding in a period after 'fight'. As for the second sentence, I'm a little clueless on that one. You seem to have too many words and idea's going on at once in a single sentence. Play around with it and try and come up with something that flows better.

Also, this is just a single example of a run-on sentence. There are many different occurrences of this type of problem in your writing, so I suggest you take a good read through it again. Maybe read it out load and keep track of your breathing =)
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