That is a great story with an unexpected ending. The hints of the bird having a plan were subtle and placed perfectly in the sense that it does not give away the ending and still makes it a surprise. I like the mix of the poetry and the prose. When I first saw it I wasn't sure, but you pull it off perfectly. Great job. I really love this.
Wow, well written and quite informative. This is the way history should be taught. I wouldn't have slept through so many classes this way! I hung on every word just as a poem should be. I love the repitition at the end of the stanzas. What great effect. Wonderful. Perfect.
When your arms and eyes tell me all I want to know..
I love these lines. It makes me think of when my husband looks at me with that special look and I'd do anything for him just for looking at me that way.
What a great poem. I can see why you were awarded for it.
The line because now in all part of my heart I think should be because now in all parts of my heart
You've made great progress on this story. The openening is great. I love your use of imagery. You have a great storyline. I am used to seeing a bit more explination after conversation about what is going on while the conversation is happening, but this may just be your style.
Martha without a reply, turned as if commanded and grabbed an old mug from the cupboard. She took a black handled percolator from the stovetop and poured the coffee in the mug. Denise had to blink a few times at the antique pot. The alloy and apparatus looked like something out of the 1940s. She remembered her great grandmother had something similar. Martha held up the cup and waved Denise forward.
This reminds me of my mom before she discovered a modern coffee pot. You have a good scene right here.
The rain fell harder and the wind caused the trees to toss and contort in odd menacing shapes. No one understands, she thought.
A farmhouse lay ahead. The increase in lightning strikes caused it to silhouette against a few tall sycamores in the distance.
These two lines contradict one another. If there are fields around her and the trees are inthe distance, mention what the rain does to the fields unstead of the trees because they are only far off background.
But she was numb to the danger, and lifted herself from the muddy torrent and trudged on.
awesome line.
She decided to try the back door.
show this don't tell
Throughout the story, which is a good story, you tell it well, but you don't show a thing. You start off with description, but then turn to conversation. When and how does she turn walk into the kitchen to get the coffe and eat? What color was the wool blanket? These things need to be explained. The birds were chirping, but what kind of birds were they?
Get the heart of your reader and make them feel the pain of the mother. Show don't tell.
This is a well crafted poem. I'm not sure about the ending though. The last line, I think, takes away from the rest of the poem. That's more or less personal preference though. The only thing I found distracting would be the fourth stanza with counted and countless near each other. It threw me off my rhythem in reading. Maybe just switching out one of the words for a simile would work to cure that problem. It is a good though and I am glad I took the time to stop by your page and read it.
This is a well crafted poem. I can see you spent a lot of time thinking this one through. I especitally love the repeating at the end of each stanza. It adds to the transition and reinforces your meaning.
There are a couple things I would change. The first would be the line "the perfect melody for this perfect moment." The repeat of the same word "perfect" in the same setence actually takes away from the intense feeling of them poem. A thesaurus will do the trick to fix that problem.
The second like I would change would be "But it is not reality, as I wish it to be." I think you are trying to say, "But it is not reality, though I wish it would be." Again just a couple minor word changes, but it changes the flow and strenghtens your meaning of the poem.
The last thing I would change would be "No lullaby to sing me away, no perfection to dream of." I don't think "away" is the right word. It doesn't leave the correct mental picture I think you are trying to convey. The word "of" I would change to about.
Again, I really love this poem. The mental picture I get from it is wonderful. Just fix those couple minor issues and it will be perfect.
They are much bigger than I am - I would change I am to me.
Mary makes sure I have food and water, Bob takes me for walks. put an and before Bob.
When we go for a walk and we get to the big field. fragment. combine with next sentence. When we go for a walk and get to the big field, Bob letsme off my leash.
I usually come back running, but sometimes I like to tease. When he calls I don’t run back. Then Bob gets mad and then I run back. Would be confusing to children. Needs to be reworded.
I ran so far that I didn’t hear Bob, when he called. comma not needed.
I ran into some thistles and got burrs in my wonderful black curly hair. wonderful is a big word compared to the rest of the story. Remember the age group you are targeting.
I ran so much that my little paws were sore, I stopped running. Make the comma a period.
This is a cute story with a good moral. You should fix it up, because it has the potential to become a classic.
This is a wonderful poem. Don't worry about the length of the poem. Short poems are sometimes more powerful than longer ones. I personally like the simplicity of it. I think adding anything would take away from the origional meaning. I was wondering what is the significance of losing it "somewhere on the road"?
In stanza two, you say leave your body and leaving your body. this seems a bit repetitive. The stanzas where you start with "I know" are your best stanzas. You should rewrite your other stanzas and start with that. It would help the flow from one stanza to the next.
I love the subject of your poem. I have had four miscarriages myself, and one of them was with twins. I can relate. I can picture the baby going to heaven and God accepting him in his arms.
Work on those couple of areas and it will be an awesome poem.
This is a wonderful and well crafted poem. I think I have read this before but I must have had to restart my computer or somthing because I see I didn't review it. Well anyway, I think it is wonderful. This could be written as a love poem with a different ending. It made me think of my husband. All the same wording except he would be the picture hanging on the wall.
I like playing with poems like this. The only line I do not seem to understand would be the grind inside. It seems a bit out of place with the rest of the poem. Maybe drive or thrust would be a more fitting word since they are being pushed in and not twisted into the skin.
This is a well written poem. You start with who you are angry at, then say why, and then go from there. It is perfectly written from what I see. Easy to follow and full of emotion. It is written in basic block form, but I don't really see that it should be any different. Your words are powerful enough that form is not needed to convey your message. A perfect five to me. Great job.
“Mom dad is here, he wants to take me to the park. Can I go?”
a comma is needed after mom.
“That sounds good dad.”
Dad needs to be capitalized.
“Only if you put the worms on the hook.”
“What about flies—the pretty colorful hooks; you put on the end of the rod?
“Silly, I can do that. I just don’t want to touch those wet slimy squiggly worms!
“Icky,” they said, speaking in unison and laughing together.
They ...
tabs off in this converstation and the following paragraph.
There will be a clean slate and they can start right away? “
should not end in a question mark.
Just about all indents are off after the girl gets kidnapped. The other thing I noticed was that the little girl has blond hair and both parents have brown hair.
this is a good story, but a little too descriptive sometimes since you didn't really go much into the whole thing with the two sons.
What wonderful writing. You completely drew me into the piece. Great first chapter. The only problems I saw were these two sentences.
The woman’s graying hair was pulled into such a tight bun that her hairline was receding, her back was so straight a ruler would be jealous(,)and her hands were folded so tightly in her lap they looked more secure than a safe than the National Treasury.
If my dad could have seen me her(he) would have been horrified
That is it. Wonderful job. Such a sad beginning but you certainly drew me in.
You have a wonderful poem. I am sorry about the loss of your mother.
Here are just a few suggestions on how to improve your poem.
Stanza one:
Keep as is... perfect start...
Stanza two:
so much attached to a date
needs rewording. So much WHAT attached to a date?
so much termoil?
so much pain?
so many memories?
so much feeling?
I remember it so vividly.... what does this line have to do with "but I can't ask you
about old memories and mysteries."
maybe a new stanza for the line?
Stanza three:
and how you're always right
and how you were always right... (goes with missing the fights line)
Stanza four:
I miss the time before,
when January 14 was just a regular day.
I miss when January 14 was just a regular day.
These are just some suggestions in ways to get your meaning accross to your reader in an easier to read fashion.
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I think a picture would be cool to go with this poem. Just a thought. I found this poem by clicking on the children's genre and the only problem I have with that is if it is written for children then cacophonous would be a bit of a big word for a child. I that it is good to get children into music at an early age. It will keep him out of trouble. Especially at age three! Good poem I did enjoy.
This poem speaks a lot of truth about sunday christians. I do hope you know that not every christian is like that. Its what happens outside of chruch that says weather a person is a christian or not. Its the life and the heart not the day of the week.
Now to get back to your poem....
Once a week you shed your sin,
just as the serpent does its skin,
These are my two favorite lines. The show the true heart of the people you are speaking of as they are acting like a snake. And Christians know how snakes rank in the bible.
This is a well written poem and I did not see any erros off hand. good job.
I found myself smiling often throughout your story and laughting at you many times. Though I must confess I have never set foot in a Starbucks myself. Though I have had a cappicino from time to time, I'm sure I would have no idea how to order it at Startbucks.
You have very good writing and you connect well with your reader. I enjoyed your essay very much. Thank you for sharing.
Sincerely,
Jeanette Connelly
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