This is really entertaining so far. I look forward to reading more and seeing what unfolds when Teagan sees Fin!
My only suggestions would be:
- perhaps tweak out what the characters look like - we know they both have curls but what how else could you describe them physically.
- teh paragraph where you say Advice: don't fall for your gay best friend - I almost wonder if that could lead into flashback where you are showing us the scene of the kiss rather than telling us about it. I think that would fit better with your writing style so far.
This is where racism and stereotypes come from!
We are all here having a human experience on earth. PERIOD.
We are unique in so many ways and we are alike in so many ways.
How can we assume likeness of mind based on likeness of skin color?
Your post got me all fired up LOL which must mean I agree with you.
Hello,
Thank you for sharing your story on stress. I enjoyed your story from this point of view. The following are merely suggestions and style choice and is meant as positive feedback.
1. This mom seems like she's dealing with some major anxiety not just everyday stress. The panic attacks and trouble breathing. What is causing her so much stress if not an illness. If she is suffering from true anxiety I would suggest not giving her alcohol. I have learned the hard way that alcohol may temporarily relieve symptoms of anxiety but often prolong the feelings of depression (which often accompanies anxiety) for days afterwards. or maybe just make reference to even thought she knows she'll feel it tomorrow, the fruity taste was temporarily calming or something like that?
2. Technically I only found a few potential errors.
a. there is an outside quotation where there is no dialogue: She wanted to sigh, but she still couldn't catch a full breath."
b. He up snatched the backpack - should this be snatched up?
3. At the end when she's relaxing and remembering why she had a husband and kids, it would be lovely to hear some endearing qualities of each of them to wrap up her evening.
Thanks again for sharing - it was quite easy to relate to :)
I'm becoming a fan LCCooper. I think it's the way you draw the reader in, thinking they know what's coming and then you twist it into the unimaginable.
What I like is your ability to keep the reader feeling the love and harmony right up to the brink. And then in the last paragraph we switch to pain and suffering.
To elicit so many moods and feelings in so few words is an amazing talent I look forward to reading more.
Hey this is really cool!
It surprised me....pleasantly. I always say there's a reason we don't remember being born and you just confirmed why in this piece.
How scary it must be!
Once I read the last line, I read it again and my favorite line became: "I kick the walls with my feet and pound them with my fists" The first read is scary and I feel myself pulled into the mystery. The second read it is a joyful insight into the baby kicking!
Good luck in the 100 words or less contest LCCooper!
Hello Jovial Jester,
I enjoyed reading your work and could feel the emotions of the soldier as he gieved.
And then the twist at the end...still esults in a dead bother but not the one we thought! Excellent build up.
I have a few minor suggestions in terms of sentence structure but oveall this is a piece worthy of reading and recognizing.
Punctuation and Grammer Suggestions As he stares into the cold set eyes of a young soldier whose helmet is dented and torn to pieces. This peiod should be a comma as the sentence needs to be complete - what happens as he stared into the cold eyes? If that's the whole sentence, remove the As.
'When a couple of soldier's in charge of recruiting men for the army came to him one day threatening to harm those closest to him. That meant his brother. He was forced to join to save his brother.' This is another fragmented section taht could be tidied up easily with some commas and re-structuring.
Perhaps:
'When a couple of soldier's in charge of recruiting men for the army came to him one day threatening to harm those closest to him, he was forced to join. He had to save his brother.'
"He had never wanted any of this.
He had never wanted to be a soldier.
He had never wanted for his brother to get hurt." I think these might me more powerful statements without the 'had' in each sentence and the 'for' in the last sentence.
Shorter and with a hint of denial and regret. Either way, great emotion here.
" Through his armour [WAS] the hilt of a sword dripping with blood."
"Through his armour the hilt of a sword dripping with blood [PROTRUDED]
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 9:33am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "