Hi! Great piece! Something about it reminded my of Forest Gump actually, maybe it's the running.
Sorry I'm not the best with grammar either but I did notice an extra "them" at one point. Sorry I can't remember exactly where. I got the feeling Sally was supposed to represent his fear, and Jake wasn't even real, just a part of his psyche. This one made me think, great work!
Wow, she is an intriguing character and I want to know more! I wanna know about the people she's killed, how she's affected the lives of their survivors. I felt all kinds of emotions reading this: disgust/pity for her, anger at the priest for not turning her in...this is a great piece!
Great! I really enjoyed this! I could sympathize with Matt, the story felt real. A couple small typos, for example "Lisa held her 'noise'". I like how you describes the bull, have you been in a rodeo before? If not the way you painted it was pretty realistic.
Great second chapter! Once again I found myself drawn in, pulled toward the conclusion. I really like this main character Vera and I think you do an excellent job of getting into her head. You have a great talent for characters. I can't think of anything to critique really, Again, love your metaphors.
I love origin stories :). A very interesting philosophy behind the nature of our universe, I have to say. Did you pick the animals based on wordplay and then work with the characteristics? I especially liked "who cow" because it sounds like moo cow and I have the sense of humour of a three year-old.
Are these two supposed to be a take on God and the Devil? It seems they're not good and evil per se, but wise and unwise I guess.
Wow I really like this! It drew me in even though I was in a hurry to leave for work. Now that's an engaging story :)
I really like your metaphors and descriptions. I was especially struck by this analogy:
"It's like watching a large, muscular man grab hold of a child's ponytail and pull her into a van, then continuing the day as if it never happened"
However, at times I think you're a little heavy with the adjectives and adverbs. I noticed because it's also something I need to work on.
Also you need an en-dash instead of a hyphen when offsetting something. Usually most word processors auto correct to one when you type two hyphens. For example "blah blah blah--blah blah blah". And there shouldn't be a space after the dash.
A great story! It reminds me of The Hunger Games but it's definitely not a copy. I'm curious to see what happens next. .
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