This was awesome. There have been few stories on Writing.com that I liked as much as this (mind, I haven't read all the stories on here). It was deep and intriguing. The variety in sentence and paragraph structure definitely helped keep the story flowing. I loved how poetry was integrated into the story. It gave it some extra oomph. Write on!
It was definitely interesting. I liked the story line and it looks like a great idea. The sentences could use more variety of structure and length. Your paragraphs are done very well. Nate and Jack are great characters with a lot of realism. The beginning and the split tale is creative, but I'm not sure it works very well. Maybe integrate them, so you can get both sides of the story without having it split, or turn it into two complete stories.
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