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Review of Double A to Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Artemis599 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading your piece. I agree with the majority of your ideas and I am glad that someone besides me has stated what has been obvious for many years. I find it interesting that you point out the fact that you have become anesthetized to almost everything but this in particular.

While it is also a point of contention for myself I still find shock and horror in the things on the evening news. Five years from now that may change but I don’t like the direction that the world has gone in anymore than you. Personally, I think we have become a nation of sheep, content to be led in whatever direction the foolhardy Shepard cares to lead us.

Anyways, I’ll get off my soap box and get on to what’s really important here… the review.

The thing I like most about your piece is that I can almost feel the passion with which you imbue this piece. It starts as a small ember and then explodes into something hot and combustible as you near the end. The description of the conditions you grew up in were vivid and eloquent…really putting the reader into the proper frame of mind. What I didn’t hear in this piece is animosity at having grown up poor. On the contrary, I actually heard pride, which in my mind says that you are satisfied with what you have done with your resources and life, as well as where you came from and where you are today.

This used to be the drive behind the free market society and this nation, being able to become something no matter your roots. But as you pointed out, nowadays people feel entitled to things that they haven’t even earned.

I have to say that you not only make great points but you bring your views forward with clarity. There is also a feel to the cadence of your work that is reminiscent of John Steinbeck and just like him I hope you will continue to put your thoughts to paper with the same fiery honesty.

I did notice a few things that you might want to consider, they are listed below:

1.In this sentence, I believe you will find that “existence” is misspelled. You might also consider breaking up your longer sentences into smaller ones if possible.

“My existance is a single serving easily palatable combo meal high on flavor but low on real value that I unintentionally absorb, being truly unaware of anything save the drone and noise in the background of life itself.”

2. I don’t think you need a comma after dislike. It doesn’t seem to hold a natural pause when I read it. However, I will defer to your best judgment.

“I dislike, possibly even loath affirmative action. Not the idea of affirmative action, but the bastardized devil it has become. “

3. In this sentence I think you need to reconsider your word order and insert a do into the sentence. For example, you might consider “However, I do question…” This will make your sentence a little bit easier to read without all the pauses.

“I, however, question the value of giving people anything based only upon their minority status.”

4.I kind of got hung up on this sentence, particularly the “smoker’s teeth yellow painted the walls” I think all you need is an “a” before it so that it is clear that you are describing a color. So it might read “kerosene lanterns slowly grayed and a smoker’s teeth yellow, painted the walls…”I don’t know if I am capturing this right but I can say that I kind of tripped over the sentence, although I like the way you described the color.

“Due to my father’s surly refusal to pay Central Maine Power Company for Mr. Edison’s greatest invention, kerosene lanterns slowly grayed and smoker’s teeth yellow painted the walls and low hung ceilings.”

5. In the sentence below, I might suggest breaking up some of the ideas into separate sentences. This seems a bit long, perhaps run-on to certain extent. Being the clever and conscientious writer that you are, I believe you can find a way to break up some of your ideas here and let your reader take a breath.

“If it meant a white male, didn’t have to bake in the summer, and freeze in the winter, barely scratching a living from unforgiving Georgia clay, but could be hired at a factory and learn a trade, instead of being turned down in favor of a minority needed to fill a quota, I would be at the front of the line of supporters who sell affirmative action as one of the greatest advancement in equality since racial segregation was outlawed.”

6. I don’t think that you need all the commas here. If I were to re-write this sentence I might write, “What we must do is create a system or blanket policy for education, better jobs and the like across the board for all poor without looking at race, religion or any other factors.”

“What we must do, is create a system, or blanket policy for education, better jobs, and the like across the board for all poor, without looking at race, religion, or any other factors.”

In this sentence I think I would suggest making “truer” into “better”. Also, this sentence ended abruptly without telling the reader how adding a foot high stack of bills and a six inch stack of cash would help or what it would result in, or why, or who should receive it.

“The measure should not be skin color; a truer measure would be achieved by adding a foot high stack of bills, and a six-inch stack of cash.”

Again, I really did enjoy your work and I appreciate you being bold enough to really communicate what you think.

Artemis
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Review by Artemis599 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think this is the first time I have ever seen a poll of this nature and to be honest I was rather suprised by the number of INT's. I really thought there would be more INF's than INT's. That being said what a great way to gather information about your reading audience. Most people like to read about character's that they can identify with. Now my only question is how many of the INT's are INTJ's vs.INTF's.

Finally, I wanted to make mention of a misspelling in your second paragraph. The singular form is dichotomy, the plural form is dichotomies. Either you forgot the "s" in "Dichotomie" or it should be spelled "dichotomy" if you were referencing the singular form.

Very creative and useful poll; hopefully you will be able to get some great feedback to aid you in your character development.
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Review by Artemis599 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I actually like what you have done here so far with this chapter of your screen play. Obviously you do a nice job of using the dialogue to tell the story. What I like is that I could picture this happening in my mind. The only thing I don't understand is the "flower reference" which might have been in another chapter. Also if I was going to make a suggestion I would say perhaps to add more details between dialogs. When Tonya walked away to take her phone call what was she standing next to, where did she go to not be heard. I may have to look at other chapters because I don't know if you took time to describe the restaurant or cafe this is taking place at but if you didn't perhaps that would be warranted as well. You might also use colons to signify your person talking. Overall, nice job.
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Review by Artemis599 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You know, I have read all your chapters up to this point and absolutely think you should continue posting them. The story is very intriguing and certainly a different take on Native American life.

Your characters are easy to identify with and believeable which is the makings of a great story.

The internal and external conflicts create a wonderful foundation for your story and truly I can't say enough about the story you are developing. I hope that you will continue writing.

That being said I want you to promise going forward that you will give this story the attention that it so richly deserves. What I mean by that is that you will take the time and proofread your stuff 3 times.

As a writer you have to do this otherwise you are going to miss things that you would otherwise catch. It also will make your story easier to read and review.

First, go ahead and get the emotional stuff out of the way by reading it the first time that way you can make your corrections without your feelings/passion getting in the way.

The second proofread is to put things into context. You need to take the time to see if the who, what, when, where, why and how is being answered. Make sure that point of view is being captured and that it is understandable.

The third proofread is the most difficult of the three because it is the most tedious. I believe that you are doing the first two pretty well but you are forgetting the third. If you have to, read the story as if you were a third-grader or just learning English ...aloud and literally word for word. Go slow and make sure that you are using the right words and that the word makes sense.

Here are some areas I would work on:

1. Watch your use of homonyms... I noticed within your text several times on Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 that you use the word "lye" (which is a chemical) for the word "lie" which means to recline or to be at rest. You also use "quit" for "quite".

2. When you are using a title or a name (can be a place...i.e Gathering, Huts of Blood, etc. or honorary title Spirit Master) you should capitalize it. You capitalized Northward at one point but that is a direction and doesn't need to be capitalized in the sentence.

3. Work on combining short choppy sentences where possible. I am still seeing sentences that can be combined with a simple and. For example, " She wasn't eating. She barely slept." You could simply combine them like,"She wasn't eating and she barely slept."

4. Watch your tenses switching between past,future and present. You did a good job from what I can tell on this chapter but chapter 4 if I remember correctly may have had some instances of this. The best way to determine whether you are doing this correctly is to examine whether the action word ends in -ING or -ED. If one action is -ing then the next action should be -ing in most cases. This rule is not always the case as sometimes words have a future tense like "lay". In the sentence below you use the word "lied" which does not fit in this case. Also "her self" is one word "herself"

"She needed time to think to prepare her self for what she knew lied ahead."

I realize that you have a form of dyslexia and I think you have done a great job despite this obstacle. Dyslexia to me is a form of ADHD when it comes to reading, it doesn't reflect on your talent and it doesn't reflect on your intelligence. It just means that your brain works so fast that it sometimes plugs in the wrong word. If you slow down and take your time no one will ever know that you face this challenge because you already have everything that you need...IMAGINATION. Write on!
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Review by Artemis599 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I wanted to commend you on this second chapter. I read it early yesterday morning but did not have time to make any suggestions. However, I can see that you went back through and corrected most of the misspellings and grammatical errors on your own.

Kudos to you as this reads very smoothly and makes for an interesting story. You combined sentences where applicable and your imagery is very clear. Your characters are well developed, understandable and easy to identify with. You do a nice job of telling the story and staying with the who, what, when, where, why and how. I only found 3 things that you might want to look at. They are listed below: Overall, great job and I can't wait to read what happens next!

1. In this paragraph you mention the name Stone, you may want to make a reference somehow to who Stone is again (I believe it is Summer's father) as your reader may have forgotten (as you have many names throughout your story and readers can become easily confused about who is who). For example, you might say, "Since Summer's father, Stone, was a fine hunter that could provide for her mother and brother, Summer was able to pay the women well."

"Each of the six women would receive meat and hides from Summer Rain's kills for their work. Since Stone was a fine hunter that could provide for his wife and son, Summer was able to pay the women well. She did not have a family of her own to care for. This meant that she would end up taking more meat than she could possibly use or trade for the season."


2.Missed a homonym here, it should be "bear" instead of "bare".

"There were beautiful young women taken from other tribes to bare them sons."

3.Misspelled "neverending".

"The Spirit Master's thirst for battle and for blood was never ending."
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Review by Artemis599 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I really enjoyed your story overall and I am anxious to see what happens next. Just a couple of things I found regarding grammar and spelling, so I'll list them individually below.

1. In the following sentence it sounds as if "spirit master" should be a title. Therefore, I might go ahead and capitalize it. (see sentence below)

"Huddled together around the central hearth, the people listen as their great and honored spirit master Black Hawk told them the story of the "Starchild"."

2.I think you are missing a "the" between "to" and "legend".

"According to legend, this promised one would be born to the people."

3.I might recommend that you change these sentences up just a bit because both sentences start with "many", which might become redundant. These sentences are not grammatically wrong or anything,you can leave them as they are or change them if you wish. Just an observation.

"Many of the old and weak had already passed into the spirit world. Many more suffered from hunger and sickness."

4. In this sentence, I would change some of the words at the end of the sentence as it reads strangely. I would recommend something like this, "The Starchild will have eyes the color of the mid-day sky, deep, intense and hypnotic."

"The Starchild will have eyes the color of the mid-day sky, so deep and intense as to be able to hypnotize all who see them."

5.First,in this sentence I believe that you need an apostrophe in "people's" as you are talking about belonging or ownership in the sentence. I would also capitalize "Spirit Master" as it appears again to be a title.

"The ancients also say that he will be blessed with the mark of the third eye and become our peoples most powerful and honored spirit master."

6. In this sentence, since Black Hawk is addressing others, I believe it would sound more in tune with the dialog to say "our people" instead of "the people" because the orator is talking about the tribe he belongs to.

"He will lead us into a new world and teach the people a better way of life," Black Hawk said."

7.I think you are missing a "will" between "how" and "we"

"Master, how we know him when he comes?" one boy asked."

8. You are missing a comma between "late" and "the". I would also end the sentence at "their beds." Then capitalize the next idea, "Only....".

As the hour grew late the children were sent off to their beds, only a handful of men were left sitting around the fire.

9.In this sentence I would combine these sentences as they are a bit choppy like so," The village chieftain was there, his name was Howling Moon and he was the son of Black Hawk."

"The village chieftain was there. His name was Howling Moon and he was the son of Black Hawk."

10.In this sentence you are using the wrong form of "it's" the correct form should be "its". The other form is a contraction(it's) meaning it is. It's the one time in English when apostrophe "s" does not show belonging or possession.

"The tribe had lost too many of it's members over the last three seasons."

11.Again, I would capitalize "Spirit Master" as it is a title.

"For that reason, only the spirit master was thought to be strong enough to endure this type of spiritual attack on his powers."

12.You need a comma after "Even so," because there is a natural pause there. Additionally, in the second sentence you need an apostrophe on "tribe's" because it is showing ownership or belonging to.

"Even so Black Hawk did not usually attend to the women in the birthing hut. It was the task of the old root woman, Spotted Fawn, to deliver the tribes children."

13. Mispelling in this sentence of "lose"

"More than once the thought occurred that she might loose the child during the long winter's starving months but somehow the baby had managed to hold on."

14. Capitalize "Spirit Master" in this sentence. There are other places in your text where this is not capitalized I would recommend that you run through the document and look for all instances where it is not capitalized and change that. This will be the last time I mention it.

"Stone handed his daughter to the spirit master."

15. You need a comma after "Surely,"

"Surely this meant that the child must be a boy."

16. This sentence you could chop of the end and still make sense. I recommend you set it up like this, " There had never been a female hunter among the people, not in this tribe or any other."

"There had never been a female hunter among the people, not in this tribe or any other that they had ever encountered."

17. You used the wrong form of "bear"

"Black Hawk had the infant brought in so he could show the chieftain and other assembled men that she did in fact bare the mark of the third eye as well as having blue eyes herself."

18.I might add a comma after "traditionally," also I am unsure in this sentence whether rule is the right word or "role" might be more appropriate. I will leave this to your discretion.

"Traditionally when a spirit master has completed his training and assumes his rule, he is tattooed with the marking of his position."

19.You need a comma between "baby" and "summer" in the first sentence. You also need a comma between "toddler" and "she".

As a baby Summer was the topic of a lot of conversations. As a toddler she was a source of great joy to her family.

20.You also need a comma between "old" and "Black Hawk".

"When she was four winters old Black Hawk began to train the girl."

21. You need a comma between "child" and Summer.

"As a small child Summer showed no unusual powers."

22.I would change the "about" to "of".

"Even so many of the villagers were leery about the girl."

23.Need a comma between "this" and "Summer"

"Because of this Summer Rain was often lonely."

24.Need a comma between "first" and "it".

"At first it was difficult for her."

25.Need a comma between "afternoons" and "she".

"In the afternoons she would study with either Black Hawk or Spotted Fawn."

26.I would change the sentence as follows: "Spring Flower tried to teach her daughter to cook, sew, and do all the countless chores a woman of the tribe had to perform."

"Spring Flower tried to teach her daughter to cook and sew and do all the countless chores a woman of the tribe had to perform."

27.need a comma between "fall" and "Summer".

Even when the tribe would travel to the yearly gathering in the fall Summer would find herself surrounded by adults who were constantly questioning her and children who wanted nothing to do with her.

28.You need to capitalize titles like "Council of Mystics" in this sentence.

"Each year Black Hawk would take the girl before the council of mystics at the gathering."

29.You used the contraction and self should have simply used "itself"

"The lion hissed in anger and launched it's self towards a young girl collecting berries below."

30.Need to capitalize "Summer" proper name probably an oversight as you didn't do it anywhere else.

Slowly summer lowered her spear and stepped forward to touch the lion's fur.

31. Contraction form of "its"

She spoke in soft whispers reassuring the lion that it would be okay as she removed the arrows from it's chest.

32. Here you use a split infinitive. Reconsider your word order to "glow softly".

"Summer Rain's right hand began to softly glow as she placed it against the lion's wounds."

33.Need a comma between "hand" and "the"

"When she removed her hand the injuries were completely healed."

34. Need a comma between "brothers" and "she".

"Besides impressing her young hunt brothers she had made a friend in the chief's daughter Luna."

35.I would drop the "to see" in this sentence it doesn't add to it and your meaning is still clear without it.

"Only to anyone with eyes to see," Sparrow laughed.

36.I would take the "at" out in the sentence and put a comma between "broadly" and "as".

"Luna looked up at the path and smiled broadly as Summer Rain came into view."

37. Need a comma between "instead" and "she"

"Instead she had the hard lean body of an athlete."

38.I would change your adjective in this sentence because you are talking about a young girl in a less industrialized situation. I might use beautiful instead of "sexy".

To Luna, Summer Rain was the most incredibly sexy person she ever laid eyes on.

39.The word "assignation" in this sentence doesn't make sense. I would use ascent.

"It was the last test before their assignation into adulthood."

40.I believe that you need a comma between "said" and "when".

"Oh hi Luna," Summer said when the chief's daughter joined her."

41.You need to take the period out at the end of "really" it should be a comma and the sentence should continue with the next phrase.

"Nothing really. I was just thinking about the initiation ceremony," Summer told her.

42.Need a comma after "law" before "no"

By tribal law no man could approach a young woman to court her until after she was initiated as an adult.

43. Need a comma between "traditionally" and "it" as well as "woman" and "he".

Traditionally it was the girl's father who arranged her marriage. If a hunter wanted to mate with a certain woman he would approach her father, usually bringing his own father along.

44.you need a comma between "course" and "this"

Of course this did not stop those so inclined from being together.

This is as far as I got editing but I recommend that you go back through and give it a closer proof. I think you should look for your homonyms that you may have mispelled, commas that might be missing and any contractions that are missing or used incorrectly. as far as content goes this was a very good read and I am looking forward to chapter 2. Thank-you for sharing
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Review of Morna  Open in new Window.
Review by Artemis599 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Overall a very interesting work. It has the reader asking what's happening and what's going to happen next. I don't yet know what is going on but I would definitely read more in hopes of finding out. I encourage you to keep writing the story as it develops in your mind. Just make sure that you keep track of the reader's unaswered questions WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY and if applicable HOW? If you keep those in the back of your mind and check them off as you go you will have a phenomenonally imaginative tale. That being said I did find some small writing errors you may want to address. They are listed below. Consider this a free proofread. Good Luck and Happy Writing.

Artemis
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In the sentence below, I would recommend losing the "with" I don't think you need it and the sentence will flow better with out it.

"Morna’s eyes fluttered as she felt the light hit her. Her handmaid, Macha, was busying herself with opening the heavy drapes."

Next sentence is missing "one" after only. This will lend some clarity to the sentence.

"She was the only to enter the room each morning, bringing with her a large, clay pitcher of water."

Next sentence instead of "was parched" I would say "felt parched" you also have a couple of problems
if you leave it as parched because then you can't use awakening (past vs. present). You might consider instead of "upon awakening" using "as she awakened" that way it fits better with parched.

"Morna’s throat was parched upon awakening."

In this sentence I would suggest again that you stay constant with your tenses (i.e. past vs. present)maybe try something like, "Morna rose from the covers, felt the ache of her joints and..." I might also change "the burning" to a more specific feeling by switching "the burning" to "a slow(or whatever adjective you want) burn deep within her stomach".

"Morna rose from the covers, feeling the aching in her joints and the burning from deep within her stomach."

In the next sentence you describe the fact that the pain this person felt was normal but I would suggest that you preface it just a little more. For example you might say, "On most days she hardly noticed the soreness in her muscles. The pain had become a constant and familiar presence, a reminder of her mortality (or something like that)".

"There was a soreness in her muscles that was so constant and old, she barely noticed it anymore. This morning, it seared like a wet pan over a fire."


In this sentence I would change the adjective "amphibious" to something else it doesn't jive for me (try the thesauraus on www.webster.com).

“I just need my morning’s walk.” Her voice sounded a little less amphibious."

In the next sentence you are talking about Morna not something that is sexless, therefore I would say, "For a moment, Morna stood exposed in the cold draft of castle air before the shift was..."

"It was a moment in the cold draft of castle air before the shift was pulled over her head."

In this sentence I would give it more oomph, perhaps by saying "Macha directed Morna to a small table..."

"They then moved to the small table and mirror across from the bed."

Here I would combine these sentences because they are kind of choppy. For example, "Morna gazed around her room for a moment, noting its vast size and lack of adornment."

"Morna gazed at her room for a moment. It was large and largely unadorned."

I would do the same with these sentences as they are generally part of the same idea and try to combine some of them together.

"Her closet doors were a heavy wood with few etchings. The walls were stone and bare. The floor was also stone, and had only one finely woven rug of faded golden strands. The curtains by the window were a rusted red with bands of gold thread along the edge."

In this sentence I would change "with the faraway oriental silk" because faraway cannot be used as an adjective. You might try the, "the bedspread was made from exotic silks that traders had brought from lands faraway."

"The bedspread was made with the faraway oriental silk that the traders brought home.

In this sentence I would flip-flop the two to make it flow better. For example, "Morna focused her eyes onto the mirror before her, seeing herself reflected within the smoothness of its depths." You can do what you want but I would suggest making the mirror the subject in this case because it is difficult to look at oneself which is what the sentence might imply to the reader at a cursory glance.

"Morna focused her eyes back on herself, reflected in the mirror."

In this sentence you have identify specifically to your reader that you are describing the eyes of the person looking in the mirror. To be a great story-teller you have to describe your vision in achingly specific detail. That is the reason it is so hard to write a book for others to read because our own mind fills in the blanks as we go along but for our readers they can't read our mind or know our intentions therefore we have to get anal about filling in the smallest gaps. For example in this sentence you might say, "She studied the vivid blue of her eyes, a gift of heredity from her father, marred only slightly by the fine wrinkles of passing time."

"They were a vivid blue, similar to her father’s, with fine wrinkles beginning to form."

Don't forget as your story proceeds to answer the WHY behind this sentence. As well as why Morna is sick.

"Each day she felt her stomach churn at the idea of facing them."

You might consider combining both of these sentences and also add "the" to "intrigue of Court". I might suggest, "The entourage stood waiting, their faces carefully expressionless – a learned trick, by any who wanted to survive the intrigue of the Court and Morna being familiar with the Court's politics had learned at an early age to keep her own feelings closely guarded."

"The entourage stood waiting, their faces carefully expressionless – a learned trick, by any who wanted to survive the intrigue of Court. Morna kept her own feelings guarded in such a way".

Not sure about these phrases they are not sentences, you will have to work on these two as I am not sure what you are trying to say.

"The door to the outside. The servants have opened it."

These three sentences need just a little tweaking, the first "lapping the shore" you need to insert the word "at". The second and third sentences need to be combined maybe something like, "Her muscles suddenly felt on fire as she inhaled the sharp scent of the sea."

"Morna could hear the waves ahead of her, gently lapping the shore. Her muscles suddenly felt on fire. She breathed in sharply."

Next sentence lose the exclamation point and keep the question mark.

"What?!” Macha’s tone changed to one of concern."

Since we used sharp already in a prior sentence I would suggest a different adjective as well as changing your sentence structure to something not interrupted by a comma. For example, "No. There is something there. I must..." Morna took a deep breath her sense greeted by the salty tang of the ocean air."

"No. There is something there. I must…” Morna breathed in again, deeply smelling the sharp, ocean air."

I think you are using upon too much. These sentences are back to back I would consider keeping upon in the first sentence but use a different word in the second sentence.

"Morna pulled her gaze from her and looked upon the sea. Sunrise and sunset were the best times to look upon the sea."

In sentences prior you told the reader that Morna had instructed that the guards stay out of the water but in this sentence it almost feels as if they are following her into the water. This goes back to what I was saying earlier about being painfully specific. Tighten up this sentence perhaps by saying, "Morna could hear the guards as they quietly paced along the shore."

"Morna could hear the guards behind her, stepping quietly."

The next three sentences are not in fact sentences at all as there are no subjects. I would add on the "that too was soon...." to the prior sentence about the guards because it still relates to an action they are performing. The other two I might combine like this, "Morna's hair whipped about as she watched the waves tumble eagerly over themselves, competing to reach the shore in a seemingly tireless frenzy."

"That too was soon lost in the wind.
Her hair whipped about. The waves were tumbling over themselves, competing to reach the shore in a tireless frenzy."

Avoid choppy sentences combine ideas if possible (i.e. "the wet sand was cold beneath her feet, yet she welcomed it."

"The wet sand was cold beneath her bare feet. She welcomed it."
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