Hey, just to let you know, this should be more like +13, not E, as there's violence and some gore. Just a head's up!
Anyway, to the story. I think you did a good job writing a compelling scene. Action of any kind can be hard to write, but you managed to write it decently.
My biggest critique would be your grammar and the formatting of your post. Your missing a few commas, you have a few typos, and you need some space between each paragraph. Also, new lines of dialogue should have their own paragraph. Give it an edit and resubmit it, and your story will read as well as it should =)
All in all, nice work! Like I said, give it an edit. Imaging a story is easy, writing it is hard, but editing it can feel even harder,I know, but it's totally worth it. Keep writing!
Nice work. I kept thinking of the movie Law Abiding Citizen. As you said, revenge and justice are similar things, and really the only thing that separates one from the other is law. The rhyming didn't seem forced, and the poem moved pretty smoothly. The one suggestion I have is to watch your sentence length. You followed a large line, smaller line, even smaller line, then back to the beginning kind of pattern throughout the whole thing until the last few lines. The longer sentences made the ending feel a little clunky. All in all, good job! Write on!
This is an interesting poem. I think you managed to sum up the internal "war" going on in a person's head. "I know this sounds crazy but..." has always been a good line to base a movie off of. After all, the hardest paranoia to treat is when the person is actually being stalked! This poem also has a bit of insanity to it. It seems a little jumbled in places, but maybe you meant it to be that way.
This is really eerie, especially because the other day I was in a similar setting while walking my dog, minus the phantom laughter. It was pretty dark and foggy; I got this really creeped out feeling, and you managed to recreate that exact feeling in a random person you've never met, who is sitting in a warm, well lit room on a computer. That takes skill.
I feel like you rushed each year after the first couple of iterations. You put them all together in a single paragraph and it didn't have a lot of detail. I really think you could drag out the suspense if you made each "passing year" to be its own paragraph. It would only need two or three sentences per line, doesn't have to be majorly detailed.
The ending leaves the reader with deflated expectations. As I read through your story, I expected for there to be something, some resolution. Was "I" imaging it? Is there something after "me"? It just left me feeling unsatisfied, but perhaps that's what you intended.
All in all, this was a really good 2nd person adventure-y thing. You built the suspense and anticipation really well, and recreated an eerie feeling that anyone who hasn't lived under a rock their whole lives has experienced at least once. Keep writing!
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