This is a nice essay, and congratulations on your awardicon and placement in the contest.
It is nice to see a piece on Islam, saying be open minded and aware that there is a broad spectrum of Islamic followers, just as there is a broad spectrum of Christianity believers -- but also one that doesn't turn around and espouse narrow minded views and bitterness and hatred of followers of other religions, such as Christianity or Judaism.
The paragraph on INS rules, detentions, and suspect lists doesn't really belong in this essay, and really you don't have enough time or space to give the issue even-handed treatment. While the detentions and newly enforced visa rules seem draconian, you have to put it in context and acknowledge some of the validity of the actions -- in a balanced essay you'd have some room to explore both sides -- but just as an aside in an essay on a different topic, you really don't, and you don't do it justice, nor increase the credibility of your essay (which otherwise is evenhanded).
As far as the stereotypes of Muslims -- it's like all stereotypes. It is wrong to generalize about a huge population based on the behavior of some members of that population. This is as true for Muslim followers as it is for people of African-American descent, followers of Christianity or Judaism, or those of Hispanic or Asian descent. I am glad to see you make the point that such generalizations, although commonly displayed in the media and in recent events, are wrong.
Your treatment of jihad seems a bit brief. It cannot be denied that there are two very disparate views of holy war in the Muslim world -- those that use it to drive the belief that 9/11 and suicide bombings are permissable and even required, and those that use it for internal reflections and religious growth. Your essay completely ignores the other aspect, and I think it weakens your essay -- even though you are trying to show that is not the sum total of Islamic belief, to completely ignore it makes the reader think you aren't acknowledging those aspects at all, so therefore you lose credibility.
Your paragraph that begins "Muslims are, as a matter of fact, peace-loving and gentle people." makes the same kind of sweeping generalizations that the other side makes when they say they are rabid bomb-toting plane-hijacking killers. It would be better to say that some, most, many, a good portion of, whatever grouping you want to come up with -- but something showing that not every single Muslim is this -- just as they are not all the rabid fanatics as painted by the other side.
Now, for some little nits:
In a formal essay, I would prefer seeing "and" spelled out, not represented by the ampersand "&".
Your second paragraph, although it contains interesting facts, seems all jammed together. Is there a way to make it flow better, to transition better from fact to fact? Also, are you sure the exact location of Mecca is unknown? I have the impression that there is a place considered to be Mecca, but I have done no research, so I'm not sure. Since your essay is based on research, if this is so, you should include it. Alternatively, you could make it a bit more vague by just saying "in Saudi Arabia" and dropping the somewhere.
Are you certain that peace and unity reigned in all of Arabia in the 630's? I was under the impression that this area had very few and far-between, and if so, very short-lived times of peace. You don't want to make a sweeping statement of fact unless your research supports it. (It may, I am not a mid-east scholar by any means!)
The phrase "It is one of the youngest religions founded, but it developed a mass of believers in a short span of time that it became the 3rd most widely cultivated faith all over the world right now." jars a bit.. did you mean "found", as all religions are founded at some point? Also, maybe "developed a mass of believers in so short a span of time that is is now the 3rd most followed faith in the world." would work better as the second part? I'm not sure if I'm saying this clearly -- but it just seems awkward wording throughout the entire sentence.
"not much dissimilar" eek! There has to be a better way to word this. :)
Most people don't use the pronoun "it" for God.. or at least if you do, you should probably capitalize as a proper pronoun. (Just as you see He [or occasionally She] capitalized as references to God.)
The semi-colon in the same sentence after name doesn't belong, since you are using the conjunction and. Although I'm not an expert on comma usage (as you can see by this review!), it may be possible a comma goes there.
Now, the above nits and picks aside, I want to stress again that this was a good essay, and I really like the last 2-3 sentences. I have never understood how people cannot include tolerance in basic Christianity, but it is so often missing -- not just in regards to people of completely different faiths, but even of different sects of Christianity itself. In my mind, all major religions should stress tolerance for one another as a main tenant, and it's so disappointing that so few do. Good for you, for seeing the importance of it!!
Good luck, and happy summer! :)
Ariel
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