Is this the story or an outline of a story? If it is the former, then it is probably not strong enough and you need "more". For example, if you intend for what you have shared with us here to constitute the whole story, it needs more text and you could e.g. make it rhyme. That way it could be a story for very young children.
If you intend for this to be an outline of a story you have written and which is ready for submission, then you have not really given us "enough" to judge whether you need to fine-tune or whether you are "ready to go".
Should you make changes to this item based on these comments, then I am more than happy to review it again and hopefully give you a better rating
Just browsing a new genre "animals" that I've not been involved with much, and stumbled upon this item.
I have a couple of suggestions for you:
Based off of the popular children's tune
It is "based on" - "off of" is only really used in spoken language as it is gramatically incorrect.
"Do not sing that song." she said scornfully to her grand daughter.
This is one example but there are more of them in various places in your story: inconsistency in your speech quotation marks. Here, you use a full-stop after song hence " she" should be with a capital.
More correct, however, would be to replace the full-stop with a comma and keeping " she" in small cap.
"Hallo! I am the messanger of the Good Fairy.
The correct spelling is "messenger"
"That fact has been dully noted.
The correct spelling is "duly"
Foo Foo stood still through out the Fairy's wrath.
The correct spelling is "throughout"
Burraidh continued to wonder around the world.
The correct spelling is "wander"
The painful first few days after the break up of a relationship when we think our entire world has fallen apart and nothing will ever come close again. That's what this poem speaks of to me.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
Some of the rhyming is out of place e.g. I sink at your misleading words
Wishing for some truth and desire.
In the 2nd stanza, the repetitious use of -ness words is unfortunate and makes the stanza seem a little bit forced. This may have to be reworded. If you move the words around a bit, a new possible wording may become apparent:
I slide from thought of nothingness Thoughs of nothingness inside my head
This poem has a sort of schizophrenic feel to it - At first I was going to say, no, the format doesn't work for me but after reading it a couple more times I realised you are presenting a 'This is what you see' vs 'This is who I am' which works really well.
General observations / suggestions:
I didn't notice any typos or grammar errors, and have no suggestions for improvement
A sweet if predictable at times poem about the babies whose dads are off fighting in the wars.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I hear their sobs deep in the night.
I say a prayer for their dad and mom
I send my prayers with soldiers in fight,
but my heart belongs to babes who cry.
Perhaps you should add in the night after 'cry' to keep the rhyming format tight
Hello Ann Ticipation - nearly done raiding your port! There's just so much stuff to read!
Overall comments:
I said in an earlier review that I find the job you and all other nurses and auxiliary staff do incredible, I wish I had the guts to be faced with such issues on a daily basis but I'm far too weak for that. When I was reading this I thought about a little six-year old girl in the USA who is my chemo buddy. She is fighting Ewings Sarcoma and has just started 10 rounds of chemo after her op just before Christmas. I write letters & cards and send little gifts each week to keep her spirits high. I am not sure I could be so strong for her if I had to face her on a daily basis. Thanks for being one of those that look after the medical side of her care if only by association, if you know what I mean!
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
A great history lesson here - unfortunately for me, you are covering the wrong era as my exam on Tues is European Contemporary History (1914-2007) - could you perhaps write a poem like this on the Warszaw Pact? I really enjoyed this poem, thanks for sharing!
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
On the one hand this is an account of your heroic attempts (and I say that not with a wry smile or in inverted commas, for what you have done and do (I remember you are a nurse?) to save a stranger's life, and on the other hand it served for me also as a reminder that REALLY I need to get my act together and do a first aid course. So you see, two great things came with this poem: I will try and set up a first aid course after my exams and in the meantime, I enjoyed my little revision break!
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
This is a truly wonderful poem of reflection after the death of a loved one - at least I think he was. You said in your description that it is for someone who you tried to save but couldn't - just know that some souls cannot be saved and don't want to. The turmoil they carry around inside them is too overwhelming and sometimes it probably really helps knowing there is someone willing to listen and to help but for them it still does not change the status quo. Be proud that you tried at all - many people turn their backs on others in need so you need feel no guilt at all.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Hello there
this is a truly beautiful poem of loss and longing, it definitely has universal appeal The rhyming is OK, some may accuse you of being cliche, and I guess there is nothing original in the rhyming but the rest of the poem holds it together really well.
I was just wondering about this line:
of which it's bliss I failed to reap
that sounds wrong somehow. How about, whose rewarding bliss I failed to reap
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
Well, what can I say but I loved it!? The characters are 100% believable, the pace of the story is spot-on, you build it up perfectly, feeding little bits of information without flooding us and without a surprise ending that leaves us baffled, wondering Why did she do that?
You should be truly proud of this story!
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
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I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
Well, this is a rare find! Firstly, handling a subject matter to which I've seen no other poem here on WDC so far (not that I've been looking, I just haven't come across any!) and it is delivered superbly. You paint the picture and I smell of Cajun chicken lingers in my nostrils - brilliant
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
Keeping them pressed tight to their sides.
I wonder if that should be tightly
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no other suggestions for improvements.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
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Just popped by to repay the favour of your review of my poem.
You really are beset by bad luck - poor you!
A couple of suggestions you might want to consider:
In this poem, I'm talikngtalking about all theethe times iI've been injured or hurt
Born to die before I came out theethewoundwomb
Grew up onduring or in hard times, that’s why I spit hard rhymes
Aged five, diabetic on a mission
Make pictures with no paint
You don't actually need paint to make pictures, also 'with no' should be without - how about: Create drawings without colour
On theethe street corner
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
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I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
This is a very thought-provoking essay you've got here. I'd never formulated my thoughts on 'Knowing' to the extent that you have here, however somewhere in the subconscience I have been aware. You are absolutely right in your observations on the different kinds of knowledge - intuitive or taught / learnt. The way I look at it is, if you have a heart failure that puzzles the experts - would you rather be on the Op table being worked on by the kind of person who went through Med school learing what had to be learnt in order to pass but has fine motor skills that can't be learnt (no less essential for the job), who is great at communicating and putting his patients and their relatives at ease, who is a great leader to the nurses working for him etc, or would you rather that your expert for the day is the one person who has little social skills, who will find it difficult to put into laymen's terms the complexities of the procedure he is about to undertake, and who - inspite of it being a rare case- is able to use logic in applying all his other knowledge to this case to get to the solution? The end result may be the same thing but the way in which the two experts get to the answer are entirely different.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
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I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
I LOVE surprises and this one really did. Surprise me. The build up for something entirely different - I already had comments in my head about how I can relate (so that's another story! ) and then the surprise ending. Brilliant!
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
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I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
This poem describes the pain we feel when we lose the one we love, the refusal to see things their way, the realisation that all is not as it appeared and the brave face we put on to spare our surroundings of the true misery we feel inside - I like that
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I think I am no longer san sane
The future I can not see
I think I prefer cannot - somehow it looks better in a poem
My heatheart churns the further you go
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
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I found your port in the Poetry Ring adoption forum, thought I'd pop by and have a look.
You're quite right, forgetting someone you still care about is very hard, it seems impossible at times to let go, to think of a future without them. Even if, perhaps, with hindsight you think Pah, that wasn't so hard after all!
What I like about this poem:
The poem deals with the loss of a loved one, whether through separation or death is unclear and doesn't really matter. Sometimes when we separate from someone we love so deeply, it can feel like death anyway. I like the fact you leave that up to the individual reader to decide what it means to them. Because it deals with something we all know about, you have a potential wide audience.
Observations:
I think the first stanza starts off really well. The flow is steady and the rhyme is solid.
The second stanza throws me off balance: there seems to be a missing line?
The third stanza then, back to 4 lines but now the rhyming pattern is different from the first stanza.
The final stanza has an additional fifth line which again throws me off balance a bit.
The final line of the last stanza puzzles me as I am not sure what the 'fault' is meant to refer to. Has there been a murder? Or a drink/drive accident? That was my first thought.
The very last line that stands just on its own looks more like a description of the poem - the fact that letting go is hard to do is already conveyed in the poem itself.
I didn't notice any typos or spelling mistakes
Suggestions for improvement:
This poem would really benefit from a steady flow with a set pattern - four lines like the first stanza, rhymes on lines 2 and 4.
You may also wish to actually count the syllabels in each line e.g. at the moment, stanza One is a 4-4-4-5. This is ok, but whatever the pattern, I suggest you apply to the other stanzas, too.
From an aesthetical point of view, I would not capitalise the 'not' in the last stanza.
I'm more than happy to re-review this poem should you chose to edit it with some of the above points in mind. If you do edit the poem, please let me know so I can give you a higher rating as I think this poem has great potential if tightened up as suggested above.
Keep writing & please let me know when you post more items to your port, I'm more than happy to review those too
Popped by your port to repay the favour of your reviews yesterday, thought I’d have a lil’ rummage, see whatcha got here
Overall comments:
Wow! I had to read this one a couple of times, there is so much to take in. It occurred to me whilst reading it that perhaps there is two poems in here, really. One about 'Before....' and then one about 'Tell me what makes you wake up in the morning'.
I think what added to the confusion of what seemed like two separate poem were the indents. They may work if you do separate the poem but at the moment the page looked a bit how I imagine a page in a book must look like to someone who is dyslexic - words / letters all jumbled up.
My favourite part of the poem is the first stanza - it's the first time I've read the words 'sewage line' in a poem - when you then couple this image with the second stanza which adds to the image of rot and decay (I can almost smell it!) that's really great stuff.
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors & have no suggestions for improvements. However, the indents - as mentioned - became tiring on the eyes.
I found this item on the Request for Review page so here goes :
Overall comments:
I don't know why but this reminded me - in a bizarre sort of way - of the song '50 ways to leave your lover' because this feels like 50 ways I love you makes me feel - I like that
A few suggestions you might wish to consider:
For the most part, the rhyming is pretty solid baring just a couple of exceptions: me / happy and us / lust - they seem a bit forced to me.
In the last but one stanza you break the flow of the entire piece by breaking the 6-line pattern; this threw me off balance. I suggest adding that missing line to keep it consistent.
Keep writing!
Smiles
Anne
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I slide from thought of nothingness
- At first I was going to say, no, the format doesn't work for me but after reading it a couple more times I realised you are presenting a 'This is what you see' vs 'This is who I am' which works really well.